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Too scared to tell someone about problems. How do I improve alone?
I’m 20, female and from the UK.
So for the last few years, my mental health has been going downhill, along with my self esteem and confidence. I tend to overthink a lot, to the point where I plan ahead for every possible situation (even the weird and unlikely ones). I’ve never been great in social situations but I don’t know what to do about it anymore. It started with me just being awkward socially, then after failed attempts to improve I started to dread talking to people I barely know. Now there are times where I will start to panic uncontrollably and have to hide in the bathroom until it’s over before going back into the social situation. I can’t live like this anymore and end up just hiding in my bedroom for multiple days per week. I really want to do something about it, but talking to someone irl isn’t an option (long story). What is some good advice you recommend that doesn’t require telling someone about the situation?
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
You"re telling us so you are talking to someone about your problem. As we are not medical professionals and this medium is somewhat awkward I will make a few suggestions.
First I would like you to see you family doctor for a full physical. Anxiety can have organic problems that a physical will highlight. Be honest with your doctor as to what is troubling you.
Should there not be an medical problem your doctor can prescribe medication to help relieve the symptoms while you seek help from a psychologist for talk therapy. From personal experience I can tell you that in many cases talk therapy will help you get at the root cause of you anxiety.
If you are like me some long ago trauma you think you have forgotten about but have built a wall around to keep you safe has started to come out. IF your honest with the therapist you will get to the root cause and then find way to deal with it.
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You say advice that doesn't require telling someone about the situation, and no one on here is a mental health professional plus you are telling someone, you are telling us. I think you mean, you want advice so you don't have to go to a professional mental health person. I can relate to your problems because I used to be shy and had bad social ansiety, low self confidence, esteem and I overcame it all without seeing a mental health professional. I did do lots of reading on the subject.
You may be afraid to see a professional because of the typical shrink portrayed on TV. I have to agree that just talking about it does not help the majority of people or they get put on meds first without trying other meds. I had a friend loan me a book by Dr David D Burns and this man speaks of a way to work with people to really try something called CBT Cognitive behavioral therapy. Long after I overcame my social anxiety, I came across this information and it happens to be exactly the same advice I got in prayer God gave me only one step at a time and now I am a chatterbox and usually the first to talk to people. I will share how I did that by pasting a doc. in. If truly your issues are due to distorted thinking which it sounds like, that and panic attacks, then what Davide Burns hsa in info on his site should help. Here is that link: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Please go look at the books he has written. You might want to order them at your local bookstore or see first if the library has them. I found one of his books at the libkrary. I would recommend "When Panic Attacks" and "Ten Days to self Esteem"
As for the info on getting better in social situations, here is how to start working on that.
I used to be so shy I wouldn't get up to use the pencil sharpener in grade school because I didn't want the other kids to stare at me. I refused to do book reports for fear of speaking in front of the class. So my grades would suffer. In contrast, my dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.
It took until I was about 17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.
1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.
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