|
I'm in love with one of my best friends and I don't know what to do
I have a LOT of history with this boy. We went to nursery together and then the last few years of primary school together (kind of friends) and then we went to the same rowing club.
At this time I massively fancied him and made it really clear, we went on a date but nothing really came from it. Then about 6 months later he decided he really liked me and asked me to hang out at least 5 times but I'd lost feelings so declined each offer.
Now we're in the final years of high school together and we are really close friends and I like him soo much but he just got out of a pretty bad (but brief - 2 months-ish) relationship.
He told our mutual friend that he is attracted to me (since breakup) WHAT DO I DO? I don't want to ruin our wonderful friendship :(
Btw I'm female and we're both 17 years old
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Hello!
You seem like a very genuine person, so I'll be as genuine as I can to you. I'm experiencing something very similar to this happen to me in a relationship with a friend of mine who is a girl (I'm a guy). Long story short, we were good friends for a long time, tried dating for a month, but disconnected because she lost feelings, which was really sad. Now, I'm getting romantic-like signals off of her after being away for a few months, and I can't help but really like her again (even though I'm in a relationship rn [I know, it's bad]).
Your friend was probably really disappointed (in the way I was) when you two broke up. I bet he's a bit of a changed person now who is totally ready for a serious relationship with none other than you. It sounds like you already have good chemistry. I would go for it! Just be really honest with each other so you both know what you're getting into.
Good luck!
]
It sounds like you have a good history and since he never said he was no longer interested in dating and you've heard he still is after his break up, there is no reason why you two can't give it another try.
Also, you both are a little older now. I can't say if this relationship will end up life long but you both have one good thing going for you already and that is being best friends.
I think plenty of people today assume that being best friends and being in a relationship together are two separate things and don't belong together.
That couldn't be farther from the truth. Of the best, strongest, longest lasting marriages for example, there are two things that make up the solid base of the foundation for that relationship. Want to guess? If you guessed friendship, then you are right because friendship is a main integral part of what makes a relationship be a success. It is also the harder part. The other half of the equation is being each others romantic and sexual equal. It doesn't matter if you two have had or have not had sex yet. A person can tell some things already to know if the two of them are even in the right ball park. If simply being near the person, one feels a euphoric emotion, if holding hands is more than just touching but involves a sense of belonging to voluntarily, a sense of companionship one can trust will always be there, a sense of wanting the world to see who your special person is and others knowing your partner is taken, those are powerful things to feel, just from a hand hold. This might have sounded too flowery and unreal but I have this with my second husband. I got married to the worst and wrong guy the first time.
Then there is kissing. If a kiss feels wonderful and makes butterflies flop in your stomach or even just a warm cuddling feeling, or even a sense of sweetness, then you two have enough chemistry, and both feel this, then it's possible you have enough chemistry to make the romance and sex part work. If a kiss feels like you just received a romantic kiss from a male relative, like a Dad, brother, cousin, etc, then you both are wrong for each other. The thing about the romance/sex part is that both of you have to have the same feelings. Sometimes only one feels it and the other doesn't, and that won't work at all.
And this brings me to what you said about losing feelings for him at one point. I assume that is no longer the case. When You say you like him sooo much, it sounds like the beginning of love. I want to address the loss of feelings because many marry quickly if they feel strong feelings but what they were feeling was not love or intense liking, but something called NRE, New Relationship Energy. This is a real thing. In fact in some studies, it was found that some people get addicted to the high they feel when with a new person or a new dating part of a relationship. To explain this better, think back to a Christmas you really wanted a toy real bad, yet when you got it, it only held you interest for a limited amount of time, like days, a couple weeks or maybe a month or so but no longer. What you and the parents assumed would hold your interest forever, actually did not. The assumption was that the excitement felt in the beginning was the actual want and desire for the object (or person) because it was perfect for you. When a person or even a toy is not perfect for your intricate and unique personality, then the excitement eventually wears off. Once it wears off, what you feel now for a person is so different, it almost feels like a let down, a disappointment, the head in the clouds feeling is gone, the giddy feeling, the butterflies, etc, all is gone and so what is left feels drab in comparison. This is where people make mistakes. It is assumed that since it no longer feels the same as it did in the beginning, that one has lost their feelings, fallen out of love. While it is true a person can fall out of love, it does not happen in the earlier parts of a relationship but after a long time of a partner not giving love, with-holding it, mistreating you, etc so without treating you in a way that deposits love in your heart, your heard eventually runs dry, like an empty bank account and you are no longer in love. That's what happened in my first marriage.
Most people are married to their best friend but the romance and sex is missing. If both miss the sex and romance, then one or both are likely to cheat and go find sex elsewhere. If two people only have a hot fiery romance and sex life but are not truly best friends, then the only time they get along will be in bed which is the lesser part of time spent together in a day. The rest of the time, they fight and treat each other like enemies, can't be trusted, and actually hurt each other.
So if you have friendship, then a relationship with him is possible because both of you have interest. I am guessing what you thought was a loss of feelings was actually the new relationship energy finally dissipating so you thought you'd fallen out of love. The best way to find out if there really can be something like romance between you both is to start dating. Dating doesn't have to mean commitment has been made to always be with a person as some believe. Dating is a fact finding, discovery period to find out if the other person is the same person over long term, meaning who they say they are, their good traits, don't come and go like the rain or sun but are consistently there, and that is how trust is built in a relationship. YOu'll have some to start since you already know each other but it can grow even stronger.
As for concern about the timing since he just got out of a 2 month or so relationship, my guess is it did not work because though both may be perfect people, they are meant to be perfect for someone else more like them, but not perfect for each other.He also could not really be too invested in that relationship with his heart because it did not last long. Yes, I know some fall in love at first sight but this guy is telling someone after the break up that he is still attracted to you. Attraction by the way is usually by sight, what we see first but that is not the only attraction. If we like what we see, the second step is getting to know who they are on the inside, their character, hopes, dreams, beliefs, what they stand for, etc and we can fall in love with that. That is what the second hubby and I have. This is what is missing to some extent in many relationships, the attraction to the unique character within. This is what makes for a long lasting happy relationship. Looks are important but as you know, looks will fade as we grow older. Will he still be in love with her as both age? If he didn't truly love her deeply enough, loving only skin deep, then a man is likely to go after a younger woman. My hubby has no interest in other women. He is interested in jewelry and fashion that he see's that he thinks might look good on me and he is usually right. As for a man getting excited by what they see, being visually oriented, you would think they could easily get hard, or erections from just seeing pretty younger or other women but his body and heart and mind no longer cooperate that way, not because he physically can't, he knows the pretty package is just that, a pretty package and it doesn't have my personality within it so he has absolutely no interest and no physiological reaction until I am paying attention to him, heck, or even him just listening to my voice as I prattle on. I know I gave you more info than you were asking for but you are at a point where you will soon be considered an adult and making your own choices. Even if college is in the picture and marriage somewhere in the future, all of this is important to know now before you get to those other important life changing decisions and I wish someone had shared this stuff with me when I was your age because I darn well know if I had heard it back then, I would never have married the ex. Or even if I heard it later, I would have left him a lot sooner.
Don't worry about ruining your friendship...it can only grow into something more or stay the same. If all great partnerships or marriages started as being best friends, which you already are, you simply need to ask him if he feels there is enough chemistry between you both for the romantic part of the relationship, and if he says yes, then go for it, and date. If he says he is not sure, then you both agree to date and see if anything develops. Here is another wrong assumption. People think that the only way to love is if it is a hot fiery blast that hits you instantly in the beginning of meeting a person and thats how you know you're in love. Some love grows slowly as you continue to learn more things about each other that you find you admire and love, so a warm ember, or a burning coal can slowly grow to be as hot a love as others felt at first sight or meeting. I would guess that relationship that start out as best friends are the most likely to encounter love like this. So give it time. Love will either develope or not.
]
More Questions: |