|
At the point where a decision needs to be made. Propose or end it
So I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years and my girlfriend is pressuring me with getting married. The issue is her sex drive is pretty low (We’re in our mid 20’s) and we only have sex once a week sometimes once every two and I feel like she only does it to keep me happy on routine. I’m afraid that once we get married this will get worse to the point I will be unsatisfied. I’ve brought this issue to her attention multiple times and it just ends up with her crying. It’s been over 2 years with this issue so I have given it some time. We get along really well and rarely fight but this one issue really concerns me. What should I do?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I am not a doctor but a twenty something with a low sex drive could be a hormonal problem. Before you throw 5 years out the window I suggest you ask her to talk to her PCP or GYN. A simple pill may be all that is needed to unlock her sex drive.
While your at it and in the spirit of solidarity ask your pcp to test your testosterone level.
]
I am so glad you wrote in about this. I married at age 20 was a virgin as the church expected so I knew nothing about whether the hubby and I were compatible. We were not. But then we're also taught in churches that God frowns on divorces. Which I see now as BS but I wasn't thinking for myself at the time. So he ended up the one with a low sex drive while I had the higher one. He never looked at me with desire. It was a once a week or once every 2 weeks thing but only on a Friday or Saturday night because he didn't have to work the next day. He refused me many times saying he worked the next morning and wanted his sleep. Oh boy, he wanted sleep way more than he wanted me. Actually to not give the wrong impression, I am not saying it is a bad thing to have a low libido, its just that some have it some don't. What is more important is for a person of low sex drive to be with someone for life, who is also a low sex drive. And if you have a high sex drive, then you need to find someone who has one too.
Now I will share something that happens to women who are not sexually loved by a man properly or are with the wrong parnter sexually, their sex drive will fall asleep. It doesn't mean it will stay that way. A woman can meet the right man later in life who is able to awaken her sex drive, and once it reawakened, then its a matter of determining if she has a high or low sex drive.
I can't stress how important this is to a long term/life long relationship. With being with her 5 years, I assume not only have you not proceeded to marriage because something bothered you and didn't feel right but you are the kind of man who does want to find the right person to be with life long. I can understand why you haven't felt sure enough to do so.
I tell many that a solid foundation is important to having a happy successful rewarding marriage or life long partner without the certificate. It is composed of only two main things. One is being each others best friend and the other is being sexual equals. When there is no romance or sex in a relationship, all you're left with is a great friendship. So the romance and sexual chemistry is the only real difference between being friends or more than friend, like lovers and mates for life.
The bad news, is that people are not able to try hard enough to change their libido. They are stuck with what they were born with. NOw you understand why she ends up crying when you bring it up as the way she is, is normal for her, but she doesn' realize yet that she is not a good match for you and it shouldn't have taken 5 years to get to this point of realizing it. I am therefore guessing that other than the sexual half of the foundation, she is great as a best friend and you love everything else about her.
If you really want to give it another try, then you two may want to go to a counselor. I would say to have her read my response, even if you fear she may get upset that you wrote for advice on this. I know it may feel embarrassing to her but it is a valid issue and you are as anonymous to me as my true identity is to you. If she needs to hear from an expert on what the problem is and whether there is a solution or none, then she can go with you to counseling. But usually only married couples do that to save a marriage, not couples who are not married to each other.
It is really sad but the majority of friends and relationship I watch around me are couples with only one of the two parts of the foundation. Those who hit it off enjoying sex and get married without being each others best friend, end up only not fighting when in bed together, otherwise they treat each other like crap and argue all the time. Then of course theres the best friends married but have no enjoyable healthy sex life to speak of. One or both partners may resent not getting what they want in sex and after a while go looking for sex outside the relationship, not because they don't love each other. I met a man like this which confirmed, he loved his wife and could not dream of ever leaving her, she was his best friend. But it wasn't a romantic love so other than sex to give him kids, she stopped having sex with him after a while. He was asking if I'd be open to being his sex partner on the side. I said no as I was looking for a man to marry. I was divorced. And I found someone right for me. The first few days, we connected as friends and found we had so much in common and thought about many things the same way. All that was left was to discover if things would be okay sexually as well. We both talked of our past issues, partners who did not have the same high libido as ourselves and we proved to each other that we loved it. After not feeling loved, cherished and wanted by my ex, I welcomed any little bits of attention and he as well, so its not just great sex but saying I love every day and lots of loving touches or kisses throughout the day until we have time in bed at night. He says in his younger days he'd want a couple times a day. We are both around 60 and for us its every day if not every other day, simply because one of us is truly exhausted or not feeling well. Imagine having a partner who instead of recieving a store bought gift, prefers to recieve some special loving for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. If you both are 25, there is plenty of time to find the perfect partner to marry. She will be hurt worse by staying with you and even though you may be an honorable man, one can go only so long without sex before any invitation is too hard to turn down and you find you've just cheated on someone who is not the right sexual match for you in the first place.
It is good you got me answering because if someone answering thought once a week was fair or too extreme, then you wouldn't have the information you need to decide whether you will stay with her or leave. As I said she is crying already now because of the sex issue. She will cry if you state you have finally realized that the two of you are different in ways that can't be fixed by grim determination and need to part ways. She will also cry if married to you and the pressure keeps building and you keep asking for or forcing the sex issue. She will also cry if you are so unsatisfied you end up finding a sex partner outside the marriage. Many live an entire life having one person as their best friend to talk to and a totally different person as their lover. The goal should be to find both in one person. reality is that she is not and you are are not for her either. The best thing to do is take the good points of what you like about each other and try to find that or better in the next person you date and also someone who is actually the perfect sexual match. Even if the libidos match, one then has to consider how playful and imaginative each is so that matches, or other things like even oral sex. My ex did not like that at all, didn't like working on me and I never had an orgasm with him in 30 years but I have with my current husband. I'd hate to see you go through the misery of a bad marriage only to divorce after there are likely a kid or two in existence. Children need to grow up seeing parents who love each other, kiss and are always giving each other loving touches and do not raise their voice to each other. My girls did not see that growing up and I see now that they are adults how it has made a terrible impact on them. this is very important now because your mismatch in marriage partner is affecting other lives, of children.
So in ending, either you decide to break it off or see if she will agree to go see a counselor. I already can tell you one thing they will likely ask as I went to one myself. Is there any way the two of you could compromise on this? If you are realistic, that means you have to get along on less than what you wish and she will have to give you more than you wish. I do not see this as a solution because of resentment. This situation may work a short while but in the long both partners end up resenting each other, having bad feelings because one has to give more and one has to take less. The resentment alone can break up a relationship.
]
More Questions: |