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feeling pressure to maintain my mom
I'm 27 and my mom is 60. growing up, we lived with my grandparents. My mom didn't pay for anything and lived under their roof for free. Two years ago, I moved into my own house. She begged me to let her move in and I did. Now, I'm really ready to fly. Like, I'm ready to move forward with my life and leave town. I don't even think I can stay another year here for many, many reasons.
The thing is, she wants to retire. But, she will not make enough in her retirement to live on her own. She was out of work for 25 years. Although she was married to my dad for 8 years, this did not qualify her to get anything from his retirement. She is pressuring me into buying her a granny-pod (which is basically like a tiny house), so that she can live in my backyard, wherever I go. I'm feeling very overwhelmed because I pay all of the bills. She does not really contribute financially and all she does is complain about not having enough money. However, she spends a lot and money on unnecessary things. Although she claimed she could always rely on my dad's retirement, she did nothing to look into this and imagined that the money would just appear.
I want to help her, but at the same time, I don't have the means to do it. Additionally, I don't know how my future spouse would feel about my mom living the backyard. I think she needs to be independent and do things for herself. I'm also worried about her taking advantage of certain financial situations. Her aunt gave her a credit card (which I don't even know why) and she has spent nearly $13,000. The credit card was under my aunt's name, so now my aunt is paying the consequences. She has already taken out credit cards in my name (when I was like 18). She has a spending problem. That is obvious. But, I would like to find a way to help her while still protecting myself.
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As long as she is going to be financially dependant on you for a place to live, food to eat and money to spend like she's married to a banker, then you will continue to suffer. From what it sounds like, your Mom has a disorder. Some people try to fill that hole inside, what ever it is that is missing in their life and it often will be some kind of addictive habit they turn to, like gambling, drinking, drugs and thought it may not sound as bad as the others, buying to get that temporary rush of happiness that is gone the nect day. In caretaking, hubby helped a wooman who passed earlier this year and the brother out of state was already dealing with selling stuff and clearing the estate of someone else who died and asked my husband and I to do all the clearing of things in her apartment, take them, sell them, whatever. When she was alive,I recall her going to stores often and just buying things because it would make her ahppy. She was a pack rat. There were 5 storay closets in her apartment including the one of balcong, stuffed plus an additiona storae room on another floor she's paid for and that was worth 3 closets. Your Mom may not be that extreme yet but people like that dont think they have a problem but they do. Spending is their vice of choice rather than the others I mentioned. It will never get better if you let her live in your backyard. She never really grew up and handled things that an adult has to do, so she lets her own Mom take care of her as an adult, after I assume Dad divorced or died. Either way, psychologically, she was in capable of being an adult back then, and continued all the years you were growing up. She's had plenty time to get counseling and become more productive, find work and look into and make plans for her future.Taking out credit cards in your name is a crime and should have been reported to police every time it happened so you don't end up having collection agencys come after you and banks rate you as a risk so you can't get a loan to buy a home in the first place. I guess you will have to be the adult as far as checking into some things for her, like talking to DSHS Dept of Social and Health services and see what a social worker can tell you about what she might qualify for in help like getting her on a waiting list now for low income housing. In the mean while, if she has any real disabilities she can possibly qualify for SSI and not have to wait for Soc Security. Since she basically didn't work much, she would be getting very little as you said, so either some Govt.agencies can step in and continue to baby her as she is accustomed to or she may have to live out of a vehicle as many without a job do or no work due to accident recovery that made them homeless. She can qualify for food stamps. I guess you must be the only child and theres no one else to carry the burdon. I know I may sound harsh, but if I Had a parent who used my name, ran up cards and ruined my credit, I would tell that parent they are on their own and should be glad they are not in jail for their crime. If anyone else other than your Mom did that, they'd get reported and have to go to court. Your Mom ran up cards she couldnt pay and you end up paying for the cards she falsely took out in your name, in this, you actually sent a message to Moms brain that it was okay to take advantage of you this way. She has a sickness so the best thing you can do is again work with DSHS to see if there is a Psychologist they could set her up with. You can't continue to take care of her. Everyone has done the wrong thing all along and done everything for her so she never had a chance to face the hard facts that she needed professional help and to grow up. It probably started with your Dad and I'm gonna take a wild guess he got tired of it quick and stopped and when he did, he saw she wasn't going to do a thing so he knew that would drag him down so he divorced her. Then your grandma, feeling a bit sorry for her since MOm was now divorced and had you, felt she needed to help when your MOm begged and pressured her. Now grandma is gone and Mom having been 'enabled' to not grow up all her life has continued it with you. If your Mom found a fountain of youth that allowed her to live a couple hundred more years, then one of your children, grandchildren, and many greats grandchildren into the future who decide to enable her, will be stuck will supporting her. I hope you see, that it has to stop somewhere. SO you have to think of this as helping her by no longer enabling her to remain stuck where she's been all her life and leaving it to the professionals and agencies to help her out. SINCE she was a non worker most her life, I can't say what she will qualify for in help but even though she is Mom, you don't owe her the act of supporting her just because she gave birth to you. At some point, our children go on to make lives of their own and raise children, not take on Mom as another child. Its another story if she were disabled or if she was sick or dying and taking care of her in that scenerio. Even then, all states have their own rules as to what there is to help people unable to help themselves. In the end, it might be best if a doctor can certify her mentally disabled in some way so she can qualify for a social worker to take care of setting up, looking after and taking care of her needs. I used to do caregiving and had a couple mentall ill people, adults I went to help shop for groceries, clean house and handle whatever. None of them had a parent to take care of them, never were a burdon on any family member but were set up to live on their own with help from government agencies. Your mother made bad choices. You shouldn't have to pay for someone elses bad choices. We all make a bad choice or two in our lifetime and have to live with the consequendes. Your Mom never learned about consequences. A certain action or decision will always have a natural consequence, that is part of adult thinking. If she is incapable of this, then I am serious, that there could be a mental disorder that wasn't obvious enough to be caught when she was much younger. My ex is an example of that. He was 50 before a new friend who used to be a counselor saw that he had issues and wasn't acting like a normal adult and told him to get mental help. He pretended and stopped going because he still didn't think he had anything wrong. Thats when I decided to leave as it wasn't getting better but worse as he got older and without a mental health specialist and medication to be a more productive and nice person, it wasn't going to happen. I gave up on a 30 year marriage because how he treated me was messing with my physical health and the stress of that would kill me sooner than later. My health was seriously getting bad being with him. Things improved after I left. Your situation is stressful too. You may not last under the stess as long as I did. I think the level of stress you're under can begin either messing with your mind and cause psychological problems or go into the body and cause physical provblems in the near future. I think about 10 years average of daily stress of worry, concern and taking care of another adult is going to finally show up in your mind or body and longer than that, the stress can kill you, in one way or another medially. So without trying to sound over-dramatic, truly I know how such a thing can effect you when I compare the stress of being mentally and emotionally abused for 30 years. You could have your life get short, never marry, or get divorced once hubby's tired of supporting your Mom, or become financially ruined, or maybe even end up homeless at the worst. What other kids have to support their parents? What parents are so messed up that they have no qualms forcing a child to take care of them, playing the guilt card. The only reason you feel stuck is because she is Mom. If anyone else not related to you was doing the exact same things, I know you wouldn't stand for it. If you can't get her into counseling, do get counseling for yourself. I did that after my divorce to get my head straight again. I think a counselor will be able to help you see your situation from a different viewpoint and that may help you to start using tough love with Mom, where you call the shots and get her in touch with dept of social and health services for your state so they can see what they can do for her. I don't know of many with a mentally ill parent who support them, they end up in an adult care home and are supported by the state. If she doesnt qualify as mentally ill, then a social worker will have to make other suggestions as to what your Mom can do or apply for but she has to do it herself, you only get her set up with an appointment or two with DSHS, but the rest she has to do and learn to jump through the same hoops any adult has to, and not have anyone step in and do it for her. If you can't stay away from helping her, and leave her to fend for herself, she'll never have the environment in which she is pressured to actually check into things, work or whatever. And that means you'd be taking care of her til the day she dies. Again, not trying to sound extreme, this is just the real reality. I hope you find this helpful. I am only being honest here.
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