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Confused
Hey, I met this guy a week ago. He grabbed my attention once I met him.. he took me out twice. On the second day he asked if i ever gotten my feet’s licked and my butt. Lol that sounded weird. I told him if he is only looking for sex to let me k ow because am not trying to waste my time. He told me no that he finds me attractive etc. But after that day he havent written back to me. I don’t know if to hit him up or what . What do you think of this hun ? Thanks
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Personally I would say no, move on. If you are not looking for someone who is just after sex then this guy clearly is not the right guy. There are not many guys at all who would just admit right out on a date that they are only interested in sex (I've not even known one who has admitted it) so the fact that after you told him you are not interested in just casual sex he has gone silent it kind of says to me that it was all he was looking for. It could be that he may have got busy with something else so you never know, there might be a good reason for him not writing. If he hasn't got back in touch after a couple of days or so though then I would say just move on and save yourself a lot of trouble - clearly what he is after is not the same thing you are after.
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If you were able to read minds, you would probably be aghast at how often sexual thoughts and questions run through a males mind, especially so if he is out with a female. A male with good manners will look, not touch and keep his thoughts and questions to his self, not vocalizing them.
The difference to me is when they vocalize and talk about sexual things or describe what they like about you in sexual words. Yes, even the gentlemen who are patient to wait until the two of you have had a chance to get to know each other and give you a chance to proceed to sex when you are ready, they are thinking these thoughts. My second husband is the gentleman, he never even attempted a first kiss. I had to kiss him. But it was obvious by how he treated me and kept calling and wanting to get together that he was attracted to me. Once we got to the point of being lovers as well as close friends, he told me of all the thoughts that had gone through his head like how to sneak a peak down my blouse without being obvious and he wasn't. I never knew until he told me.
I don't know how long its been since he answered he just finds you attractive but if he was really into wanting to spend more time with you to get to know you as a person, not just for sex, even if he is terribly busy for a week or two with no time to really get together, at least a phone call, text or computer message, email, would be appropriate. If he is truly busy, he may not be interested enough in you as a person, only sexually and if he did care, he would be putting him self in your place and realizing that after saying you are attractive and then not contacting you to explain if busy, well, that tells me he won't be the most considerate man...probably forget birthdays and such and possibly care more about pleasing himself in bed rather than you. Yes, I could be wrong but I've lived long enough to look back and realize that there always were subtle signs that explained behavior issues I had with guys. So, I may sound extremely suspicious or pessimistic but my life experiences have shown me that too often, these signs end up true instead of false alarms. For him to ask sexual questions at the beginning, well he hasn't bothered to learn about women, how to talk with them, understand how they view things or reason stuff out. Men and women are quite different in that. Could be he is just fumbling and not knowing what to say. So spending more time with him will be like giving him enough rope to hang him self with his words or actions. If he never mentions sex again, then he has learned from it. Thats good. Sometimes we have to overlook a man sticking his foot in his mouth if he did it once. However if he finds ways to verbalize in ways that sound too sexual to you, if may be that he is more interested in you for sex than for a relationship. There will be always one guy that turns out to be a great companion, just that he has never learned to think first before speaking and so all these sexual thoughts that all men have but monitor, are just let loose every time he thinks them. But really, that is still very unlikely. You and he haven't spent enough time together to get to know each other well enough. Sex is a vital part of a relationship. There had to be chemistry felt on both ends, not just one, or a very weak chemistry. Its so important to males that right from the start, even men wanting to marry and father children with her, will not want to make that commitment until they are sure that this woman loves sex with him as much as he wants her and they are very compatible sexually. This would be like all women wanting to know if a guy is financially stable before committing to him, and all men being turned off by a woman asking so she would be trying to find out ways she can learn what he does for a living and how much he earns. YOu can't be certain of his job until you have stopped by his workplace to meet him for lunch or some other such reason.
I think the best thing you can do is to have a good talk with him and spell out for him all your boundaries, lines he should not cross. Second time around after a bad first marriage, I met guys who I came to know about in online dating but met in a coffee house where we could sit and talk, drive our own cars to meet, and I only talked about exactly what I was looking for in a guy. I volunteered the information they want to hear most, right up front. Told them I was a very sexual person but from a first marriage, found that two people can be very sexually incompatible. Told them I would not be interested in investigating if the two of us were compatible that way unless they could meet certain criteria I had. My criteria didn't include what they earn, what they drive, where they live or whether they owned a dog. Thats the only stuff most men told about themselves online. In my profile, I found spots to put a list of criteria they had to meet before I would even consider meeting face to face. I didn't consider the coffee house meet as a date. IT was more like interview status. I shared all about me even what I know to be my weak spots and even told the guys that if they didn't like what they see or they couldn't meet my criteria or not willing to, I would not think worse of them if they left me right from the start. Funny thing I learned from an article later, a man likes a woman with self confidence. He may not realize that's what it is but he is attracted to a woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid or shy about asking for it and sticking to her guns and not settling for less. Yes I met guys who wanted me to settle for less and were lying to me. I usually found out by inconsistencies at the 2nd or 3rd date. That's when the guy relaxed and became his true self, dispatching with the false facade. I am telling you all this because you sound like the kind of woman I am, you have some ideas of what you want and don't want. But it helps to be more precise and spell it out better. I actually found this kind of hard. YOu can't figure it out all at once but the sooner you start, the sooner you can have this talk with him and let him know where you stand and thus where he falls in the equation. He might be a great guy hon, no way to know if he just made a one time blunder. But he needs to know you don't want to hear that kind of stuff if you dont want to hear it. Thats appropriate only when both people are strongly attracted, she trusts him and wanting to have sex together the first time. Then yes, anything and everything about sex, is vital to share in a conversation.
I will share with you what I got in prayer when wanting to find a new partner and God told me what I should do. These lists and the difference of wants and needs and what are deal breakers are very important. You will feel better equipped and more sure of yourself and your search for a sweetheart if you do the same. SO I will post it and I think you will understand how you can apply it right away with your guy. There will always be a few men who feel threatened by a female who is so sure of herself, call her demanding and unreasonable and get very angry. THats good hun, because you have just ruled out the undesirables men with low self esteem, who get jealous al the time and can end up being very possessive and controlling. Yes, I ran up against that too. So once you try and use these lists with him, if he freaks and gets upset or says its not necessary for what ever reason he gives, then don't worry that you ruined a chance with him, you simply found some shortcomings in him right off the bat.
Here's that help now:
How to find Mr. Right or Ms Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grand-kids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenarios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
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