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Falling too hard for my boyfriend of less than a month?
To start we're both in our mid 20's and young professionals. It's been a while since either of us have seriously dated anybody, but we get along so well and I really want things to work out long term. I've honestly never felt that way before about anybody and although I wouldn't say I'm "in love" with him yet, I do think he's absolutely amazing and I would be devastated if we broke up because I think we could go so far together.
Due to this I've been doing everything I can to make him happy. I don't complain about anything and I've been going out of my way to do sweet things for him.
I've honestly never thought so much of somebody before and I have a lot of respect for him.
I also realize this isn't particularly healthy for myself though. I've caught myself wanting to dress and style myself in ways that he likes and being more submissive and just in general making sure I'm saying/doing things he likes rather than being myself. Before I met him I would work 75 hour weeks and take classes, lately I've been taking nights off work to spend time with him and staying up late even on my nights off just to be with him.
I think about him all the time and sometimes (when I don't take the night off, but could) I'll go to work just to keep my mind off of him.
I've never been so serious about somebody or felt like that before and I've been in long term relationships before. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I should distance myself because I've always been the girl who works really hard is and is all about her job and schooling and boys come last.
Help?
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Nah gurl just succ
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At 20, you haven't had a chance to learn and develop who you are yet. Yes, you are a young adult but usually its end of the twenties or at 30 that a person redefines who they are and will be for rest of their life, not what someone else wants them to be, or trying to change who you are to make someone happy.
See the trick is finding someone who is perfect for you because neither of you have to change to be perfect for each other.
I was quite alarmed therefore at some things you said, so I will go through what you wrote bit by bit to cover my thoughts.
'I've honestly never felt that way before about anybody' And the reason why is due to your age. If you were 45 and said that, it would make sense. There was more life and dating experience. So it is not surprising that you never felt like this before. Just know that this guy may not be the only one out there who can make you feel this way. Feelings are good but you can't trust feelings alone to choose the perfect partner. I assume you will want a man who has yes only for you and will stick with you life long, marry you, treat you like a Queen and be a great father.
'I would be devastated if we broke up because I think we could go so far together' Everyone feels devastated when they are in a break up because this kind of thing really hurts the heart. It doesnt matter if the person they break up with was a great person, or a really crappy one, feelings will make you hurt till you recover in time.
'I've been doing everything I can to make him happy. I don't complain about anything'
You state the reason you do what you can to make him happy is that you want to be able to go far with him. This is what gave me the greatest alarm.
Hon, I married at age 20 and I had the feelings and I did what you did. I learned the hard way that I was doing nice things for the wrong reason. In a way, I was willing to change who I was, not expect anything from him and just do do do for him to prove I could be the sweet little wife. I am not jaded because of my experience. I have forgiven and see him at family events and am still wondering what I saw in him back then. I am not the only one. My grown kids now see that in many ways he has always been the problem and still is. He can't hold onto a girlfriend since I left. I only stayed as long as I did (30 yrs) because the church taught no divorce and to trust God to heal our marriage. That's another story. But how this applies to you, Your guy is not really put in a place of having to learn how to treat you as a Queen. You don't complain. That IS a problem. If there is something even something little he can change that isn't about changing his personality but just certain actions that anyone might do and you don't like, heavens, don't keep silent. He will think there's nothing wrong. Guys get fall into being lazy if the women is always doing something for him. I suspect my exs previous girlfriends did that for him. So although there is sex, everything else falls into the catagory of you being his Mommy. You are training him to be an unattentive husband. You are not his slave. Anything special should be done by both of you for each other. I highly doubt a 20 year old man has learned that yet. Men are still in training to learn how to be a good mate and how to treat a woman right. Don't mess this up. Just be yourself. I didn't I changed my hair color and how I dressed and everything short of surgery. He wanted me to change my nose and get a boob job. I didn't. Turns out, from what I can see of the women he has dated since me, I was petite and small. They are all big boned or overweight women. Maybe he didn't really know what he wanted. And that is something I like the share with you so you can be clear on what you need and want from a guy and what would be a deal breaker. The one month mark is still not late to start. If interested, ask for my document, Finding Mr. Right. He may be it but if you go through all these steps, you will know for sure...with your mind, not just what your heart says. I guess the 40 hour week is a thing of the past. Because 75 hours seems extreme. Maybe you are trying to save up, but those hours are unhealthy for any relationship. If he were the one who was working that much and you weren't, how would you feel. On the other hand, you really shouldn't change your plans to fit him in. Heres my own story about long hours and my 2nd husband. I met him online. We were around 50 in age so we had a good idea of what we were looking for and what it took to trust a person and what behavior was not acceptable. He told me he saw my profile a year earlier and never wrote. He thought the long hours he worked would not be good for a new relationship. He was doing 10-12 days and also going in Saturday mornings. That left Sunday and evenings at 7 to 8:30 before he got home. So we met those times and in a short while realized we probably had found our life mate. However, there is more one can learn and still decide no, this person isn't right and that you learn from moving in together. We did and that helped with being able to see each other in little bits. Eventually he lost that job, downsizing and got another and we had a regular life together. At time, he was working those hours because he had a teen age daughter same age as my youngest, living with him and supporting her. With those hours, he could pay all bills easily and my pay went into savings for us. I got a great improvement in husbands. This one puts me on a pedestal. He won't allow me to carry anything other than my purse, claiming he wants to be my work horse. He is attentive, listens when I need him to and opens doors for me, asks me to relax because he wants to cook, clean or do the laundry. His parents taught him well. I of course do special things for him too but half the time, he is just lavishing sweet actions on me. We are not a new couple, this is the way it is still at 9 years together. But I was picky and employed the things that I have saved in that document, Finding Mr. Right. ITs as much about knowing yourself, like what you put in a resume your strengths and weaknesses and desires in life/goals. I had to be clear and like an open book willing to share all about me, even things that I like that another person might not. If you like working long hours, or want to finish school, then he needs to know you are a bit of the work a holic, or that you are saving up for a car, a home of your own, etc...
If you change your schedule to be with him, he needs to know its only for him and that normally you are quite different. After a point in time, you will be itching to go back to the schedule that comforts you and then he may feel neglected. He needs to know now whether you and he are possibly compatible on the biggie issues like work hours. It's one thing if you;re in debt as a couple and both have to work hard to get rid of debt but that should be for a periond of time, not life long. If you write to me, you MUST do so by going to my column and clicking the button to send me a message. Too many lately must think I am rude, evne though I warned them I can not respond from their comment in the rating portion of this site. YOu must treat this like a brand new question, even if you are responding back to my invite, and write to me from my column. I wish you well dear.
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