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Tips on gaining confidence?
I know I’ve asked questions similar to this before but now I’m actually ready to listen. I’m almost 20 years old and I still have the same low-self esteem I’ve had all my life and I want to change that. I feel like an embarrassing older sister for my sister (who is turning 18 next month). She’s more outgoing than I am, has more friends and can even talk to guys. I’m more reserved, I barely have any friends and at my age I still can’t even talk to guys I find attractive. If you’ve seen the movie 10 things I hate about you, she’s basically the younger sister and I’m the older one when it comes to personality. I think my elementary and high school experience shaped who I am today which isn’t good. I was surrounded by super judgemental people who would make fun of my voice, call me ugly etc so of course it would affect my self-esteem. I wasn’t bullied or anything but I developed social anxiety cause I’d fear people would judge me for everything I did, since I was surrounded by so many judgemental people. One thing I regret is going to the same high school as them. I don’t know my sisters full high school experience but I know she didn’t really like elementary school but right from grade 10 she’s been getting male attention, me on the other hand would always be called ugly by guys even when I’m just minding my own business. Now that I’m almost 20 she’s askig me for advice on talking to this guy she likes but I can’t even help her because I’ve never experienced that myself. My dad even told her she can’t get a boyfriend until I do (just like the movie 10 things I hate about you) but the way I’m stuck on low-self esteem it looks like she’ll be getting a boyfriend before me anyways. I know it’s not good to compare yourself to others but it’s hard when it’s your younger sister. Please help. Appearance wise we are both black but she’s like Beyoncé’s colour and I’m Kelly Rowland’s colour (dark-skinned if you don’t know who she is) so you can already see the different experiences we had even based on skin colour and appearance. Thank you in advance for the advice!
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YOu are battling two things, lack of self confidence but that alone won't help if there's the social anxiety you also have. I should know, I suffered both in my past. My social anxiety was simply called shyness back when I was young. No one talked of anxieties or realized that help was needed for that back then. So I was already shy to start with but the anxieties added as I had normal experiences in school that I more often than not took the wrong way. Today if I say something and people laugh, I know I was funny. back then if someone laughed, I would take it as I did or said something stupid and they were laughing because I was so lame. I wouldn't walk to the front of class to use the pencil sharpener in grade school no matter how much I needed it. I never did book reports again after the terror I felt doing the first one...not even in HS, I'd rather take the lower grade for not doing it. Thats pretty bad anxiety. It may be not that bad for you but if you have trouble with feeling anxiety when involving talking to other people at times, then you can benefit from a simple thing I followed which I will paste in now and at the end I will cover a trick to gain self confidence which is also very simple. The only thing about both is you have to be very consistant in doing both all the time until you have overcome each issue. It doesn't take long either. You can reasonably be free of both in a month as I was but the nice thing is getting to go at your own pace, just taking baby steps with the anxiety thing so it doesnt feel overwhelmingly threatening. You will still feel scared and challenged but not to the point you can't handle. Don't know if I've sent you this before but make sure to cut and save what i send you to refer to again if need be.
Overcoming shyness and social anxiety
It took until I was about 17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so anxious socially. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone ) and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered. (I more recently read of the same way to overcome this in a book by a psychologist so it's not like trusting me that God said this but its what psychologists understand too))
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.
1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes when ripe so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.
Now for self confidence, i once read an article in a womans magazine and have changed it a bit to work better but it involves borrowing self confidence. This will also help undo any of the critical comments you've gotten in the past, not just what you think of yourself.
I am glad you mentioned the two celebrities to give an idea on skin tone cus basically this is what you are going to do. First choose what you feel is your one best feature, it can be the shape of your body, the hair, shape of face, the lips, the eyes, I chose my eyes as my best feature. I know we can't all look like models and I don't but despite that fact, I still felt at least my eyes were great and also expressive. So I will explain what you do now once you've chosen a celebrity that at least to you seems to also have the same best feature or its one of many. Just concentrate on the one thing you have in common. Now the hardest part is using your imagination. Celebrities get used to camera's and people seeing them all the time. You will too. everytime you leave the house, get out of your car, walk into a restaurant, basically anywhere you will be once you leave home, over and over imagine that you are that celebrity drawing the kind of attention and looks that a real one does. This is critical. Take your time focusing your thoughts and it will get easier. Had to remind myself to imagine several times a day that as I entered each place or room, people would notice me like they notice a celebrity and for the feature that I chose to help me connect with that celeb. After a few days of doing this, all of a sudden I had women and men stopping me and commenting on how pretty eyes I had. Never heard that in my entire life except from my parents perhaps. I wasn't even wearing makeup girl, so you know something weird is happening. My eyes were no different than they were before. But all those compliments and noticing you starts giving you self confidence in your looks and thats enough to give up using the image of the celeb and keep on going knowing that everyone out there has different tastes in women and what they find beautiful. I've seen thin men totally in love with their very overweight wives but you can tell when a couple truly likes the looks of their mate or not. There will be a man who will like you for who you are and that includes who you are on the inside. What really changed is the vibes I sent out, invisible things that others can pick up. So if too shy, thats also a vibe others don't want to or know how to deal with, especially before becoming an adult or older adult. These vibes are what cause people to ignore you or not be interested in you. I can't blame them because today if someone is too quiet, I realize they seem like they might be boring so I don't tend to go out of my way to befriend them although I may talk a little or compliment them but not want to spend good time with them. Vibes will kill lots of thing for you. So if the vibes you send out, even the fake ones of borrowed confidence of a celebrity, you will see a difference. write me back later and let me know how its going. If theres any issues, maybe some more trouble shooting or what ever support i gave give. I know what its like as I said because I've been there.
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