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Why is he saying all this?
Hello,
In our 30’s
He’s an ex boyfriend of few months. He broke up with me because he wanted to be with his kids and gf. Still says he loves me when we see each other. Still the same polite, loving and caring boy. Even though we broke up we still see each other and keep making love whenever he’s at mine (I feel awful) but I still love him, love him deeply and he’s aware of that. He says he can’t be with me but says he enjoys my company and making love when we see each other. We broke up months ago. We had an argue over he can’t be with me and I told him fine, whatever, few days ago but today he asked me if I had bought a condom as I forgot the other day. So I don’t understand, we broke up, he says he can’t be with me and still he wants to visit like before and make love to me? He also said he loves making love to me and and enjoys my company. What’s this guys? Are we both a worse people in the world? He wants to keep in seeing me well we both want to? Is he not over me entirely? WHY WOULD HE STILL WANTS TO KEEP ON MAKING LOVE with me? I mean, when I asked him if he has made love to her but he said NO only YOU. So what’s this? He loves me more than her but he has to be with her because of their kids? Please don’t judge me. I’M SORRY!
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He's saying all this to you because it is convenient to him. He is a cheater and you are the side chick. He has a family and kids, and most likely he won't leave them. He hasn't yet. But it's convenient to tell you what you want to hear so that he can get what he wants from you. Don't believe what he tells you, because he is probably saying the same lies to the mother of his kids, except she actually has something to keep him legally bound to her.
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Men are different from women in many ways but also the same in other ways. Where they differ mostly is in how they percieve and think things through. They aren't pulled about by their emotions as females are. They see any issue through a more logical light, heres the problem, theres the solution.
When it comes to sex, males are motivated by lust, not love when they want to have sex. Women find instant love through connecting with a man this way. However for men, it can take a much longer time to fall in love even though he is having sex and wanting it with her because lust is carrying him through.
I know you've written before and I can't think of much else to say. I do feel he is abusing this one thing of women developing love feelings simply through the act of sex or love making. He must feel you would never turn him away so he is taking advantage of it. As I said before two parts are important to relationships and most have just one.
One is great sexual connection and the other is being each others best friend. As I said last time, something doesn't add up or sounds fishy.
If he is truthful and doesnt touch her sexually, then why is he with her? A man will not stay in a relationship, especially when its not a marriage, just dating and so easy to leave if there is no sex or the sex isn't good enough for him. If the man has a very low libido and doesnt require much sex and not often and quality doesn't matter, then maybe he will stay with a woman who feels equally the same. A man like that, with low libido, would not come back to you just for love making. So apparently he wants it a lot, maybe more than his girlfriend is okay with. Maybe if she's happy with twice a week and he wants it daily, then when she says no , he comes to you because you are giving it to him freely. He's happier than a cat who caught the canary. He doesn't miss you or have any reason to really think through his life and check his decisions he's made to see if maybe he made the wrong ones and needs to change things. As long as you free give and are available to him, he is not going to even think about it.
Two things can happen if you quit agreeing to see him. The thing you want, where he realizes after some time of not seeing you that he misses you more and cares about you more than this other girl, and he leaves her and then begs you to take him back and promises that you are the only one for him. At your ages, you are no young inexperienced people. He knows what he is doing.
Its like having two rowboats side by side. He is not fully in one, nor the other but has one foot planted in each. What do you think will happen? If he waits too long to decide which one to stick with and keep his whole body in, then eventually, the two boats drift apart and he falls in the water.
That analogy means he spoils it for himself and eventually could end up with neither of you ladys because he has ruined it for both of you but not committing to only one.
No, you aren't the worst person in the world, just a bit too naive yet for your age or maybe just a glutton for punishment. Sorry, but thats truly what this is beginning to sound like. It's all up to you to change how this goes. He may decide when you make yourself scare that he can indeed live without you. And don't you want to know that so you can feel loose ends have been tied and you are truly free to move on and find Mr. Right for you?
Perhaps you would rather prefer things stay as they are, you being only his lover, and him committing to nothing more than being your lover and skipping the best friend part. A person who is a best friend does not take advantage of and treat their best friend as he is treating you. That I know. However people young than me at almost 60, seem to not have a good idea of what is the behavior of a true friend and what it not. I've heard, "MY friend calls me a jerk or a slut or a ho all the time. Heck who needs enemies if your friends treat you like crap, like an enemy would. So maybe that is your issue, and you have no idea that his behavior is not the behavior of a friend. He is not being on the level with you. He is not a man capable of making the hard adult decision an adult must make. He is a confused male in his thirties will no real goals in his life as far as relationships, maybe scared to commit or commit again after the first marriage. The woman of his past and current girlfriend seem to not be wise enough to get on birth control as you cant trust condoms to not fail. And perhaps at times, he is more the young teen boy overcome at the moment and there is no wise adult in his body to tell him to just stop, get condoms or insist on the gal getting on the pill, IUD or some other much better, safer birth control if he didn't want to bring kids into the world.
if you want permission from me to continue with life as it is, being only his sex partner while he has a girlfriend and child and an ex and another child, you don't need my approval. As souls, we are all on this planet to learn something specifically for us. I can't say what it is for you but since you've written about this several times now, I can tell you are not at peace or happy about the way it is right now. Only you have the power to make some hard decisions to have possibilities in the future where you do get what you really want. Right now, I don't believe you are ready. So unless you write me and tell me that you have told him you will no longer see him. That he needs to commit to one woman and you are not going to be the other woman. You may not have another guy yet but will actively go looking for him. If you can tell me that, and you truly mean it, then then next time I write back, it will not be regarding this childish man who can't grow up and decide to commit to only one. I will only share with you when you are r eady to move on, How to find the right man for you. Yes, indeed there is a way. I used it and it worked. It isn't in a relationship book, but Something God told me. If you write wondering if youre a bad person and going over this all a 3rd or forth time, you will not hear from me. I am here to give advice that is helpful and point out options.
You have the option to stop complaining and enjoy only being a sex partner or chance losing him forever or winning him back by stopping meeting with him. Personally, I wouldn't want a man like that back. I wouldn't be able to trust him that he will find two three other females to play with after he says he's only with me. He's lying to current girlfriend. Whats so special about you that he'd only tell you the truth. The morals of a persons being are deep at core, a part of them that guides them in consisting make the good choices every time. I also know from experience that the first time you witness a flaw in a person, that there is more of the same hidden deep inside, just waiting to sneak out and treat others in a manner that is not right or good. But some have to learn by the school of hard knocks and go through all the unhappiness themselves rather than hear from someone else and then just make a decision and decide what they want to do once they have more info. You have the 'more into' part but are too afraid to make a decision I'll bet.
I am sounding heartless here but I do understand that for some people their reality is something they are not ready to leave. Its like being in 5th grade but not truly ready for the 6th grade. And what do schools do when you aren't ready to move on, well, they used to hold you back a grade and private schools still do, even if public ones don't. Theres nothing wrong with being held back. It means you need more time to learn what it is you need to learn to move up a level, to another grade, and to another choice in life direction. Right now you are stuck. Either you are ready to make a decision and move one or you aren't. If you aren't, you don't have to say a thing to any of us here at advicenators. You don't have to tell me anything until you are ready to make changes dear.
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