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Ex boyfriend wants to stay friends!
Hi, we dated for 5 months but known each other for 1 and a half year. Good friends before we dated but he broke up with me saying too stressed with all the things been going on. NOW, when he broke up I asked him so we’re finishing everything then, he replied, no, we’ll stay friends. We’re still in touch. He visits me in my house every once a week but not like before everyday but yes he visits me. When he leaves he says bye, love you and kiss on the lips. We still message how’re you and how’s the day been going, not much though but hi and hello. So, my question is we broke up but why does he still wants to stay friends??? He’s a good boy. We’re both in our early 30’s. Mind you, he’s not a player but a single father.
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So in a year and a half, I would think that is long enough to build a level of trust in each other as friends. In a dating relationship is it just as important if not more so. If the two are a good match, then whenever the storms of life come ones way, instead of using the storm as the excuse for leaving or ignoring a relationsip, the two, lean more on each other for support. The storms of life, instead of making two people break apart can actually make them bond even closer. Its a matter of choice. If the two are a good match, then its not choice of person but choice of heart and mind to trust the other to bare their heart and share how they are feeling and accept whatever the friend or mate can do that will actually help them relieve some stress. Sometimes just a listening ear and supportive words are all thats needed. I don't know if you have done that or not but its a two way thing and he would have to be willing to accept that from you.
If it's not a matter of him trusting you enough to bare himself before you without fearing you seeing him as anything less, then it may be something else, something just as bad.
It could be possible his character is one that believes a person should be self sufficient, never rely on others during a hard time of stress because maybe that shows a weakness. Maybe their is some kind of emotional thing from his upbringing. Either way, unless he can decide he wants to learn to improve himself as a potential bf or possible future husband, he will probably never have a long term steady health relationship with anyone.
If he was just friends prior, then started dating the 5 months to see if you could be more than friends and then decided he was wrong, it felt wrong and he actually only thinks of you as a female friend, then you won't know unless you ask. He may be afraid to share this and has made up the story of stress instead to not date but s till see you and give pet names and kisses in greeting. I have had male friends close enough to get an actual peck on the lips, but not a real romantic kiss. Some people are comfortable with this no matter who it is so how do you tell from a kiss like that if he still has deep feelings for you or only wants to be friends forever? Basically, you don't. You can have a pretty good idea but its not 100% for sure if you had to bet your life on it. Try to get him to share what is really stressing him. Maybe on a different day, try to ask him since he and you have stopped dating and seem to be either on hold or just back to friends, you need to know which it is. You don't want to snap up the first guy who comes along and wants to date you who seems as great as him if he really wants to be with you. He should be able to commit to something, either ask you to wait a while for him or say its just friends, to which you can reply, "well, at least we tried it." Then accept it or if being a friend after being dating partners makes you feel too awkward and you can't get beyond that, then let him know thats the case and end any associating with him. And that includes once a week meeting you, or texting, phoning...all of it.
If asked to wait for him until he gets through all the things that are stressing him right now and You have no idea what these are, ask him to share it with you. As his friend or girlfriend, that's something one shares instead of playing 'remote island' with you. If you are okay with him closing himself off like this, then give ask him to give a time limit of how long he wants you to wait, before the two of you date again. If he says he doesn't know. You start asking, if another guy came along interested in me, I want to know if you want me to wait a month, 2 months, 6 months or whatever for you. I don't want to be waiting for you to get through whatever is stressing you and be ready to date again, and instead of waiting, I start dating someone else. So I need to know how long you feel its reasonable to have me wait for you before you plan to come back to me. I will promise to stick with it but if you go over that agreed wait time and you still haven't found a way to let your stresses bond you closer with me rather than take you away, I will have to regretfully look for someone else to date. He may not appreciate me having a close male friend I see so often. (having a male friend you see once a week if you're in a committed relationship with another does come over as a bit too much unless you both both to the same weekly club or library book review club, something like that. If you check up on each other once a month in a phone call while dating or married, that's not unreasonable. Jealous of him no matter what means your new guy lacks self confidence and sees any male as a threat and these are not good guys to date. So if you need to know why he wants to stay friends, you need to get him to talk and share it all with you. Don't accept any non answer as an answer, just question them. Example, He answers, "I just need to get past some things and then I'll decide." You can ask two questions to his non answer like "What exactly do you need to get past and what is it you feel you need to decide." So many women write in asking if I know why a guy said something." I don't know the guy, or whats in his mind or heart. And I can't tell from just hearing your story. If you can't bring yourself to ask him, then you are not as comfortable with him as you thought. YOu missed a chance to get some info on whether you'd remain friends indefinitely or whether there was hope in sight for the two of you becoming a couple again. You need the info to determine what your next move will be. If there's no chance you'll date again, and it feels too awkward being around him cus of the memories, then you have something you need to decide, No matter what, there are decisions you can make, or plans for your future you can keep in mind but you can't until you know more.
You asked, "so we’re finishing everything then?" At his answer 'No, we'll stay friends." This was your chance to learn more but you didn't ask. If you simply were too stunned to think of it at the time, but now you're wondering, no matter how long after, you can always say you just thought back to when he said that and you never asked then, but now want to know.... and ask away.
I would have suggested asking, "Do you see this friendship as a temporary thing and we get back together, or is it permanent? " He would have had to give it some thought if he hadn't yet and give you what he believed his answer should be, based on what ever thoughts lead him to not confide in you and use stress as an excuse to get out of a relationship. Maybe he decided he didn't want you as a girlfriend and was so scared of you reacting badly so a breakup that he softened it with saying you should stay friends. If you met a new guy who had an ex girlfriend platonic friend he saw regularly, would that sit okay with you? Not in the beginning if ever. Most women tend to be territorial and will not accept another woman having a close friendship with their bf or husband. There are exceptions to this and I am one. However, what happens if he meets another girl while being your friend and they get close and she is jealous of you b eing his friend/ex girlfriend and demands he not see you anymore... there are guys who will actually do that if that gall is special enough to him he doesn't want to risk losing her if not complying, or if happened with you and a new bf. Theres a chance a future ongoing friendship could be threatened by something like that. My 2nd husband and I have enough stressful situations up to ying yang, and just when one issue is tackled, another problem pops up, not giving us a break to gather our breath. When it's get that bad, and it does, we turn to each other for strength. We realize that the best thing in life that we have is each other. Its a miracle we even found each other. So no matter what the next problem is, losing a job, the car breaking down, etc. . . we at least have each other to go through it together. If nothing else pans out, at least we have each other. HE's told me how another woman would have left him when he lost his job or when we ended up living in our vehicle. No matter what we have to face, we have one thing that money can't buy and few people seem to find, and that is the devoted, unconditional love of a mate. Decide first what you want out of life. Do you want to remain unmarried your whole life and just have a string of successive dating relationships with guys cus you don't want to really live with them but you also don't want to live without them in your life to some extent. If you are the type who is ready to start looking for the guy to grow old with, then you have to decide exactly what qualities you are looking for and get to know a guy well enough to know if he meets them or not. and be honest from the start that you are not yet promising together but in the state of hunting for the guy you can settle down with and need to know if that's what he wants too. My 2nd husband was actively looking for a mate when he met me. It didn't take him but a week to know already that I was the one for him. I was looking for the same.
OH, and you did mention he's a single father. I assume he has custody and the mother left or died, whether he was married to her or not. I understand being a single parent of a child in itself can be stressful. If he finds someone to love, they can to have a love in their heart for any children from a previous relationship/marriage and talking about not the one with visitations but is the main or only parent in the childs life. That means whoever he meets, if he ever wants to go further than dating, has to find a woman who loves them both, loves the child as if it was her own because in a marriage, the child would also become her own. Maybe he struggles with being a dad and also dating and has issues himself internally. I dont know what he's thinking. But if he loved the mother of the child and the woman died in an accident or from a disease, he may not be over her yet, be need the closeness of a friend and he naturally gravitates to females for friends. I naturally gravitate toward men even just for conversation. Same with husband who prefers conversation with females. He may still be missing a previous partner and has no one he dares confide that in, especially you. Guys make choices based on what the typical female usually does, says or how she reacts to things. He may not feel you'd take too kindly to him talking about how hard it is missing her still or if it was the opposite and there were problems and fighting, to be willing to share that with you. My husband has an ex, just like me, He's heard all my stories of the verbal abuse I endured I've heard of all the neurotic issues his ex wife has and she seems to be getting worse. I can see by some of the things she'd text me or say to him. I don't get upset when he tells me anything about his ex wife. That's who he chose when he was younger and didn't know any better. Same for me. But I am the one he's chosen now to be with til the end of our lives. Some of the crazy stuff she says is very stressful. Even if He and I its not true of him or even of me when I am attacked, if we are still emotionally okay with ourselves and don't take it to heart, we once had relationships with those people. It's possible to worry and be concerned with their welfare even if no longer in love with them. I hope you can find this in life if not with this friend you mentioned, maybe someone new.
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