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Mom over Girlfriend.
Hello. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now. I am 23 and he is 24. I've been wanting him to propose for a good while now but lately I've been having doubts about even wanting to take that step with him anymore. The reason? His mother.
I love that he is close to his mom, I love that he respects his mom, that is not why I'm here to say that he should respect me and love me more but I think his love and respect for her exceeds what he holds for me, a great amount. My dad said he was close to his mom but when he married my mom, she became the priority to him. I know that it could be different for every man but I always feel like I'm in dead last place to him.
First example, his mom worked at this same company for ten years. Randomly one day, I was out of work for a workers comp accident and he only works two days a week while he's testing to get a job in IT. Anyway, I was staying over at his house, he got a call and it was an IT job offer. After he got off, I congratulated him. We went downstairs so we could go to his favorite restaurant to celebrate and his mom was home. So I asked him once we left why she was home during the day. He said "she doesn't work at ___ anymore." When I asked why, he gave me examples like her boss was mean and she wasn't enjoying it anymore. Leading me to believe, she had quit. The next day, I saw she had put a Facebook status up that she made a big mistake and her boss did not give her a chance to redeem herself so she was fired. So naturally, I got upset that he didn't tell me the truth. He didn't fully lie to me but he didn't tell me the truth. I know it isn't his story to tell but he could have just said she lost her job and I would have left it at that. I still don't know what happened and knowing isn't really the point, it's the principal of the matter, he is keeping something from me, he isn't telling me the whole truth - what else is he going to hide from me later down the road?
Next example: it has been snowing very heavily all day today. It's 2:45 now, it started snowing around 7 this morning and is still expected until at least 9 tonight. Tomorrow is his mom's birthday so he has been talking about taking her to a place for dinner where she would get in for free but they are closed on her birthday so they would accept her to get in for free the day before her birthday or the day after. So when we saw how much and how hard it was snowing, he said we'll definitely go monday, he doesnt want to drive in the snow. I was totally fine with that because I get anxious driving in the snow and even the rain sometimes because I had crashed my car before in the rain. I told him it would be fun if we take my dog for a walk to the park in the snow and he said he would like to so he quick ran to his house to get better shoes to do so. When he came back to my house, he said that his mom still wants to go to the restaurant today, the snow isn't laying on the roads. So I mapped out the weather of the restuarant that is 1 hour from our house and it said they are in a winter weather advisory until 8 tonight and that it is already more ice than snow there so I told him I don't want him to go. He said his mom wants to go and he can't help that. I don't know if I should be angry that he is so willing to appease her so quickly or if I should be mad at his mom because she has such bad driving anxiety in normal, sunny, 80 degree weather, that she cannot drive herself on highways, her previous work was five minutes away and she said her next job has to be just as close so I think it is so completely rude and disgusting of her to not be able to drive in weather much better than snow and she wants her son to risk doing so just because it's for her birthday.
I guess I just want to know at what point should I just accept this situation? Am I allowed to be angry or do I just let it happen that his mom will always be more important? Am I wrong for thinking that I should be priority to him?
Thanks.
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Dragonflymagic made some good points. Let me see if I can boil it down for you. We are assuming he will eventually ask you to marry him, meaning you two have already discussed this.
1. You are marrying him not his mother. As a generalization young men have trouble cutting the apron strings from mom. Example: My son will say no to me put never says no to his mothers requests. It is how boys are trained by their mothers and you will be no different with your son. The difference is when my wife asks him to do something for her he either says let me check with, his fiance or he will ask his mom to call her and ask her to schedule a time as they have an active social life. She never refuses and he never refuses to do anything for her parents.
2. This should really come first. Do you love him. Can you see yourself in a world without him. How irritating is it that he is putting his mother first ahead of you. Do you feel that once he is out of her home and living with you that things will change.
He is living at home right now so it may be hard to say no. When he is living away from her it will be easier to say I'm busy.
3. This brings up a suggestion Can the two of you afford to get a small apartment and live together before getting married. Doing so will test my assumption in number 2 as well as answer any other questions you may have.
You are both adults old enough to live on your own or to live together. The only reason people you age remain at home is for economical reasons. IF the economics are right then living together prior to marriage will answer a lot of questions.
While there is an obvious red flag that you are seeing. It would be wrong of us to give you an absolute answer as to stay or leave him.
Are you wrong for thinking that you should be priority to him? No if you are going to be his wife then you should be the priority in his life and should be sharing things with you. In Example one maybe his mother said don't tell anyone then went and blabbed on Facebook. He could have said don't tell mom I told you, then told you the truth.
I agree his mother was wrong to ask him to drive in that weather. I do so for two reasons; 1 it was selfish of her. 2. As A firefighter I have to many times seen the results of people traveling when they really don't have to.
I have one last suggestion. You need to sit down and have a conversation with your boyfriend about what bugs you about the relationship and ask him to be open with you if he has any thing that bugs him. Communication is very important in any relation regardless of the type of relationship be it work, friends, or lovers.
If you don't communicate both the good and the bad or annoying most relationships will fail for the lack of communication
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I am sure he felt it wasn't his story to tell as you put it so when you asked a direct question to him instead of her, that already was not the best move. He said some things off the top of his head to get you off the track of asking more. You put him on the spot so I wouldn't think that is something to be upset about.
However your second story of the icy roads and weather advisory for the area of the restaurant an hour away puts up all sorts of red flags for me, that means I become very suspicious of the whole situation. I think you do have a right to be concerned here. Telling him simply you don't want him to go isn't helpful. It puts him in a place of having to choose between pleasing Mom or you. And in this situation, the concern shouldn't be whom he chooses but as a young adult, he needs to be making wise decisions and whether he was changing his mind on you or not isn't the greater issue here. He was choosing to drive on icy roads. As a man, it would have been best for him to let mom know he understands how much she'd like to celebrate her birthday but unfortunately with the roads the way they are, he is not going to drive them because thats just asking for getting into an accident. He could then say, you may not get your free dinner but I promise to make it up to you when the roads are clear again and I will treat you to dinner. Or he could have volunteered to cook her a meal at home for now and later when safe to drive, take her out. If she throws a fit and pleads and begs, then he has to be the better adult and still say no.
By this one story, I can't say he is like this in every situation but just this one shows he doesn't have a good head on his shoulders as far as making good decisions. The fact he was more willing to please Mom than do what was safer may hint at him being a Mama's boy. And that his priorities at least at this stage in life are out of order if he is truly in love with you. If he tends to jump to please Mom no matter what, then in a way, he is married to Mom. I assume Mom is widowed or divorced and alone so she may also be lonely. You may want to wait and rethink about what you are looking for in a guy. I understand we get comfortable with whom we are with and emotions get involved but those feelings of love will not carry the relationship far when you are married and he is making one bad decision after another and causing more financial stress for both of you than need be. Also, he may still be off running Mom around instead of putting time into you. Men so tied to Mom, find no need to marry as long as Mom is around. But if Mom is gone or lives too far away, a guy like that may not be looking for a wife but a replacement for Mom with sex benefits on the side. You'll be the one to do everything for a guy like that and will feel as if you are a replacement for his mother, that is if he's really that bad off. I will post something here I saved about how to know if a guy really loves you, a simple test at the end to discover where you stand. The one thing I really like is the mention of how his gf or wife should be one of top 3 priorities in his life. It could be Mom you and job. But its up to you to decide if you want to share his attention or if its' not enough for you.
Here it is:
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
So hon, if you decide that a relationship with him is going nowhere or that he is not the one for you to spend the rest of your life with, then write me again and ask for a document on how to find Mr. Right. It is something I followed to find my second husband and it worked extremely well. Wishing you the best.
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