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Can you be friends with an ex?
So this guy & I dated for a month, and somewhere along the line, my best friend texts him to break it off with me because she doesn't think he is deserving enough & that we will not make each other happy in the long run. He listens to her. After the break up, I ignore him for a week due to all the advice online about getting an ex back by no contact, talk/hang with his friends, & find him posting things about getting back together on sc. The guilt catches up to me, & I decide to meet up. We talk & conclude with 1. we're going to keep up communication & friendship 2. he is not sure if things are completely over, but wants time to be single to figure it out, & 3. he wants me to be happy. Where do i go from here if i still love him & what do I do about my best friend over crossing her boundaries?
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FIRST, YOUR BEST FRIEND IS NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND. Who honestly does that. Your best friend is suppose to SUPPORT YOU. I'm thinking she has a crush on him...like why would your best friend ruin your relationship? And im not really sure why he would listen to her unless he had some type of feelings for her too. I would deft talk to her and tell you that your hurt. for him. they say once an ex is an ex that stays in the past. IF you can be friends with an ex it either means 1 you both still have feelings for each other or 2 you both never really loved each other in the first place. if you want to continue being his friend its going to be hard for you to see him with someone else and so on. What do you think will make you happy? being with him? be with him and tell him he needs to make up his mind weather he wants to be with you or not because you are not going to wait around for him..
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Short answer is yes. But it is rare. Want to hear more, read on.
I have an ex husband. There are a lot of years in that past relationship. I was abused by him and raised 3 kids with him. Eventually I left when I was in my forties and all but one of kids out of the home. He was angry and had been fighting the idea of a divorce so I simply left and didn't tell him where i went. It took a year for him to get over it all to be civil in my presence. I had to learn to forgive what he'd done to me in the past. When you have truly forgiven, you will still remember details clearly but the bad feelings or hurt won't be attached to the remembrances. That is where I am at and remarried too now.
The hurt is what I want to get across to you, if you still hold hurt or anger with the memories of what happened in the past with him, then trying to be friends with him may not work well at all. Theres always a slight chance it might but knowing human nature, probably not if the negative emotions are still within you.
I don't know you ages, but if in the teens, I can understand a guy doubting himself and listening to others. However if he is an adult and somewhere in his 20s or older, then he should have matured by this point to make decisions on his own and not be swayed by 'opinions' of others. Usually when one is given advice from a friends group, they mean well but have no clue how to make the same decisions for themselves, so instead of focusing on and improving their own life, they focus their attention on others and try to 'fix' others lives by 'meddling' in it. This would be advice that is not asked for. Now if he had said he had reservation about his relationship with you and asked his friends what do you think? thats another story cus he asked. Or if they asked if they could give him their two cents worth on what they think they see in his relationship, he could then say sure or No.
Since it came from your best friend whom I am guessing is a female...this is toooo classic an issue. Happens all the time. A best friend sees their friend happily dating while they have no one and they are jealous. Sometimes they want that same guy, sometimes they don't. The real issue is not wanting to see you happy because it makes them feel left out. You'll know its an issue if she does it again no matter who you date. She may not even be aware of what she's really doing as it comes from deep in her subconscious to take such actions. So that is a thing you need to look out for whether you hang with him again or not or another guy. If she is a psychologist or counselor whom you asked for opinion or he asked, then it was all very out of line. If we are talking people older than high school, then there may also be a concern that he has a low self confidence, especially if at his age, he could be so easily swayed by someone elses opinion. Even as adults, you will see it in the looks of even strangers who give you a strange look for how you dress, how you act, even down to your laughter. I get that all the time still and I am grandma age. Instead of choosing to wonder if they think I look like a loser or out dated, or have no fashion sense, or i am too loud and boisterous when I laugh, or too friendly or whatever, I choose to ignore those negative thoughts and enjoy being me. Oh I've had the face to face negative comments and got that more during my church days from other parishioners than anyone else in my life. Again, I chose to look beyond what they said at what was going on or not going on in their life. In one case, the one woman was bitter because her husband had left her and she had 3 kids like me. I think she was jealous of me yet she had nothing to be jealous of, as my husband at the time (now ex) was verbally abusive to me every day of my life with him.
I dont' understand why you feel guilty. Your friend should feel guilty for messing where she shouldn't have and if anyone else should feel guilty, your male friend should for not discussing what she said to him with you and then making a decision together to break up or not. He caved in to 'popular opinion' and let someone else make a decision for his life instead of making his own decision.
So what if a guy is a really bad guy like my ex or worse? Can someone tell you or him to break it off or get divorced and it will work? Most women with a really bad guy still have misplaced feelings of love and will not break it off no matter how many times they are told it is an abusive relationship. That is something a person needs to learn for themselves or work though.
It's up to you if you want to have a little talk with your best friend. Get it all out, get her to tell you what exactly she had issues with him about and then ask if she was jealous that she didn't have someone to date or was worried he would steal you away from her. let her know you'll always be friends. however in the future you would appreciate if she has an opinion of this guy or anyone else you might date that she come to you and let you know she has an opinion on the guy and asked you if you want to hear it. She needs to ask and get permission to even share it with you. You have written in to advicenators wanting advice. Its different with my adult daughters. too many moms would butt in a voice their opinions and why...because we love our kids. Same with your friend. She did what she did because she loves you as a friend and doesns't want to see you hurt. Let her know you understand that she most likely did what she did, crossing over boundaries, because she cares so much about what happens to you that she forgot about manners and boundaries. But theres a chance that it was done for other reasons, and though you don't want to hurt her, it is smart to not ignore the possibility that deep down where she can't admit it to herself yet, she was jealous of you having a boyfriend when she did not. Said in this way is kind and not accusatory but if true for her, she will likely react in a not so nice way, probably defensive and hurt, but the idea will have been planted. When she calms and thinks about it, eventually if true for her, she'll come to see it and apologize. You can let her know you still having feelings of love for him and if given a chance, you want to explore those with him if he wants to try. I beleive the best thing that can happen is your best friend having another talk with him letting him know she was out of line telling him what she did.She doesn't know why and can't say it really is all true. Or she can admit she was jealous and afraid of him stealing you away.
It is a fact that when a new couple forms, they feel a heightened energy when together, its called New Relationship Energy. And it feels so much more exciting but that state of feelings and emotions is so addictive like a drug that we can indulge ourselves seeing more of that special date than our family or friends for a couple months until it wears off and you are left with what your true, not NRE induced feelings are for the person. this is why so many friends end up feeling like a 3rd wheel when their best friend starts a new relationship and they don't have one.
If once warned, your best friend decides to meddle again, let the guy know to tell you if it happens as you'll need to know because at that point, she is no longer acting like and treating you as a best friend should. with a best friend who treats you more like an enemy, you don't need any enemys.
It would be time to break off the association with her, I can't even call it friendship if she goes against your wished.
It is your decision whether you and this guy are deserving of each other and can make each other happy.
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