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I'm fighting a downhill battle,
January 30th at 4:18 pm my beautiful baby boy turned a year old, I was not there to see it because last year I made the hardest decision in my whole entire life and that was to put my sons happiness before my own and each and every day it breaks my heart which I never talk about or no one seems to care enough to ask...... Not a lot of people know what I've been through because I choose not to tell anyone for the simple fact of being judged since I was 24 and giving my child a better life then I could provide, Theo(my son) lives in the same state with his adoptive dads and they never fail to keep me updated but it just doesnt feel the same, not getting to be there..... Theo is extremely HAPPY and to me that is all that matters, When I found out I was pregnant I was going through the worse time in my life and raising a child in that situation would of been selfish..... its hard to explain to strangers seeing how they look at people who give there baby up as someone who doesnt want the responsibility and whom is to immature and trust me I get it, I use to think the same thing before it happened to ME, I wanted/want my son more then ANYTHING in this whole entire world and If I would of known this would of happened a year before I would of got my sh** together no questions asked, My sons father and I have been together for 8 years now but at the time he was unable to find work without a work visa since hes from Canada which he has now, I have ALL the love in the world for my son but sometimes love isnt enough, I couldnt give him what they can and absolutely do!!!!!! Then why do I feel like my hearts been ripped out my chest, Ive wanted to be a mom my WHOLE life thats my purpose on this Earth and I gave that up deep down I know it was the right thing but some days I dont feel that way, The moment I held him I finally understood what unconditional love was I spent every second with him for 3 days and those were the best days of my life and the moment I had to leave that hospital without that precious baby boy now that was the beginning to the hardest day of my life and I dont know how to get passed it I work so much to keep my mind occupied and so that next time when Im ready to get pregnant I will never have to experience that kinda of pain again but theres a little voice in the back of my head saying " yeah but it wont be theo my perfect baby" if only he could of waited ONE YEAR if only because Today MY boyfriend( sons father) and I have our very first apartment, we have our own car and my boyfriend is now able to work..... One year later, yet I still feel so empty because I know with every part of me that it all means nothing without my biological son with ME and I know I cant undo the past I just hope in the future he could forgive me and understand what we do for our kids.... I never once did this for me and I want a future relationship with him NO MATTER WHAT..... I just wish right now it didnt hurt so bad
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Maybe give some free advice about: Adoption?
i'm sorry know you made right choice for your son.know it'll be okay even write him letters knowing you love him and stuff if its okay with adoptive parent/parents and if not, write them and keep them in a box or something. the pain is normal. let time heal which will and pray unto the mighty lord for healing and comfort. so proud of you for this and know your strong enough to endure
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Was this an open adoption? If so, then you are still able to see him , visit and he will know you were his birth mother. If you have more children, they should know they have another sibling and be allowed to spend time with Theo when they are old enough to enjoy playing together. If this is not an open adoption, you may want to have a talk with his adoptive Dads, as it seems that just keeping you updated isn't enough. Whats done is done, and it would be cruel to the happy parents to attempt to take Theo back at this point.
I am no doctor but perhaps you are not able to feel peace about this because you are still battling the loss, same as a person who loses someone to death. It may be that you are still going thru grieving. My suggestion would be to look into seeing a grievance counselor or any counselor qualified to help you emotionally go thru the process of healing. Yes, you will not have the traditional family of a mom, dad and all children under the same roof. there are many forms of family today including divorced and remarried people who share their children back and forth. Kids have an ability to cope with the more non traditional family situations, including same sex parents, etc... as long as the home they are raised in is filled with love because thats what helps them feel secure, unlike what society may think or say that kids will be messed up if not reared by birth parents. As long as nothing is kept secret and the kids are advised of everything regarding themselves, and nothings kept secret, they will be okay.
I even know of parents of a child who both were married to other people but had a child together. The four people of the two couples were polyamorous, believing in one core relationship but having a love relationship with others as well. I met the girl who was a teen. She was a well adjusted person, more mature than most teens I come across and she was part of a planning committee for getting assemblys and info into the school on alternative issues, gender, sexual orientation, etc. She did not participate in the multi love lifestyle for herself at that age, and may or may not when she is older. But trust me, kids really do adjust well as long as they are loved, feel secure (meaning all their needs are taken care of and they have contact with ALL family, no one is kept from them and their feelings are taken into consideration.) I am happy that your life is now more stable. That is a blessing. Now have that talk with the adoptive parents and your partner or husband should be part of it. See what can be worked out. Perhaps there can be more family dinners together between both familys and all present for some holidays or birthdays, any time that extended family tends to get together. And perhaps special events such as you taking Theo out with his eventual siblings to the Fair for the day. If you also want to be able to do special things like purchases for him, an outfit, a toy, school supplies, and it is not hard or a struggle for you, make sure the adoptive parents do not see this as you thinking they cannot provide for Theo, just that you would like him to have something that you got for him.
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