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cutting ties with bad friends
25/f. I've been friends with this girl, let's call her Janet, since I was 17 years old. Since we met, she automatically labeled me as her best friend and since then, we started hanging out more and more. But, she doesn't really treat me like a best friend, so I really don't understand why I bear that title. She's done so many rude things, but this time, she really crossed the line. I happen to be adopted and I know my biological parents... she has made inappropriate comments about them and I found that to be way out of line. There was a lady that use to help me clean my house every week and I fired her immediately when she made an inappropriate comment about them as well, such as this whole stigma of "abandoning me." Nobody abandoned me. They were teenagers when they had me and they placed me in a home with people who could take care of me. No one threw me in an orphanage. No one found me in a dumpster. I think it's really inappropriate, judgmental, and immature to be making those comments to my face. So, quite honestly, that's already enough of a reason to not want to be friends with her.
But, it gets worse. I started seeing this guy who turned out to be a real jerk and i was really upset about it. During the time we were together, I got pregnant and had a miscarriage. It was the first time I had ever had sex, as I lived a very sheltered life. This only happened back in December. I fell in love with this guy, head over heels, and he moved out of state. I was hurt about it. When I told her, back in December, about me being pregnant, she said that he always was in love with her. Whether or not that is true is irrelevant. The point is that it wasn't the time to bring it up. I didn't speak to her for about a month
Because of being adopted, I take a pro-life stance, and have always been very vocal about it. I run a local non-profit organization where all the money goes to a safe house for pregnant woman so that they can get all of the care and counseling they need throughout their pregnancy. I decided to forgive her about the guy, since he was in fact a jerk, and told her about the miscarriage. She said that she had actually thought that I had an abortion. I think that if she actually thought that about me, then, she really doesn't know me at all. I mean, everybody and their mother knows that about me. How can she call herself my "best friend" and think that I would do something that I taken steps towards aiding?
Then, she spent the rest of the week texting me about friends of hers who have just gotten pregnant and rubbing it in my face, knowing how heartbroken I was after I just lost my baby. She asked me to accompany her to a store and ended up taking me to a mommy and me boutique.
Recently, she asked me to accompany her to California and at first, I said yes. This was before the baby and me store. Now, she's holding me about it and I just want to be honest. I want to tell her that I honestly don't want to be her friend anymore because
1) she insulted my mother
2) she is completely inappropriate in helping me when I was hurt, which is what a best friend is suppose to do
3) she was insensitive to my miscarriage
But, I'm scared of her, as she is very conflict provoking and honestly, I'd rather avoid the conflict. I'd rather just avoid her altogether.
Please assist me in ending this "friendship" in the best and most peaceful way possible.
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She sounds like the kind of person who might become vindictive if you attempt to break the association with her, I wont bother to call it a friendship as I agree, to be a friend, it would require really knowing you which doesn't seem the case by what you've written.
So if you are determined to cut her off and not deal with her ever again, may I suggest being careful not to give a 'laundry list' of reasons to her as to why. YOu don't have to give specifics such as the 3 items you listed. Someone who isn't understanding and caring likely has a list of offenses that could be dozens if not a hundred. Its not how many items and what items are on your list as reason to split up, but whether that core part of her is unchanged, that place deep inside her where all this comes from. If those core parts of her are unchanged, and no one can change her but herself and a willingness to see that she could use some improving combined with the desire to want to change. Only then can a profession work with her and help her get on the right track. Youare only in charge of yourself, so you have control only over your own thoughts and actions.
So one blanket statement may be the best way to go if you are afriad of her reactions. Its the same way I have personally let down a guy I met to check out, without having made a commitment too, that he and I wouldn't work out. And I had a laundry list of reasons like he lied to me, was a heavy smoker, had a temper, was controlling, bad mouthed almost everyone else they weren't with at the time, etc.... I could have just given them the truth that I could not consider a relationship with them because of their lying and temper and guess what that would have started, a fight for him to have the last word and if angry enough, to continue to harass and pester me in the days to come and possibly threaten me with something as well. I saw the anger of just one guy even though I tactfully only shared my standard reason,
there just isn't enough chemistry between us to make it work. And then I follow it by, "I've given it a good try by going on so many dates with you, or hanging out so and so much. There is a special chemistry needed to be friends and that is part also of a healthy couple relationship when looking for a mate so keep that in mind.
If you can learn how to handle friendships with girls and unwanted unhealthy ones and how to end those, then you will be more successful when it comes time to try this again with a male to date and hopefully marry someday.
I personally would say, I am not speaking lightly here because we've known each other for 8 years or more. In all this time that I have associated with you, I feel something is missing, like the normal chemistry there should be between friends. We are both too different from each other for this to be a successful friendship. I have changed enough as a person that whom I would seek out now for a friend would be really different than you. And so I have decided to move on and am officially breaking up with you as a friend."
Talking like this hopefully will stroke her rather than ruffle her feathers. Since she sought you out in the beginning and it wasn't you choosing her, she's never been your choice but that isn't something to tell her, it will only provoke anger...I know as I lived for a good part of my life with a husband with whom no matter what I said or didn't say, it angered him and put fuel to his internal fire in his mind, so I was in a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation. Mental illness for him. Cant say thats the case with this girl but it could very well go initially wrong where no matter how you handle it, she'll get real upset and angry. IT can't be helped. But what I can say, is that if you watch carefully what you say, don't go into the real specific reasons for wanting to break up, and don't point out the list of things you gave us ( cus adults hate being corrected, it brings out the worst in them) then even if she at first gets upset, when she's had time to think over how you treated her, it will sound like valid reasons on your part without you having made her feel bad or ridiculed and in time she should leave you alone with coming back to 'haunt you' so to speak.
If you choose to never respond to her calls and just not show up, that is actually seen as rude and in poor taste by many people and that alone could anger her, even before realizing that this is the way you're choosing to break up with her.
Good luck dear!
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