Member Since: December 26, 2011
Answers: 1
Last Update: December 26, 2011
Visitors: 440
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I’m totally ruined, I can’t tolerate any severe pains that I’m suffering, I feel I should end this and kill myself.
I have to, every second my mind tell me this spontaneously!
I’m 25 years old, male and I live in Iran (yeah a hellish country as you probably know that!)
I have no job, no activity, and I struggle with severe depression since I was 15, I actually commit suicide once when I was teenager, I never had any girlfriend and no one ever told me that I like you.
just now I have anxiety too, I’m on medication now for 2 month but I feel it just getting worse.
my life spent for music and instrument (some traditional Iranian music and Guitar). I had all playing and practicing in the darkness of my room in a total loneliness, but now for six month I’m afraid to lay a hand in any instruments I’m afraid all I would hear is my loneliness or delirium.
I hate my country, I hate Islam, and I hate the dictatorship of tyranny which is ruling and forcing its power into each Iranian life. And because I didn’t serve mandatory service in military I don’t have the right for working, or passport and right to leave the country or a global identity.
when I was teenager or a kid I used to talk to god, but now I truly doubt his existence, when I talk to him it’s like I’m just talking to myself in a total darkness. I am a spiritual guy but I’m afraid I sense all religions and all things about god is a big lie! There is no meaning in life. I’m scared.
Sometimes I stay in my room for total 3 weeks and I have great tendency to not leave the house.
Now I have a plan to leave Iran illegally and accept all the risks which would be in the way and I bring myself to UK. There is the only hope only light for me. But I’m scared. Because I know a lot of people there would behave me with discrimination and racism. I’m afraid I would be rejected. Sometimes I feel I’m just a garbage which should be get ridden of. I need help….!
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I understand your pain so well. You are so much stronger than you now know. Just the fact that you are expressing your pain and releasing the emotion means that you have not given up. I live half a world away in a beautiful place surrounded by opulence wealth and possibility,,,but I feel the same way that you do, I have been in better circumstances and I have been in much worse, One thing is constant...Me and what I believe about myself. I listen to your expression of fear hopelessness and anger and I understand. The only help I have to offer is the Truth I have come to know in my endless search for peace and relief from my mind - the power MUST come from within you...your mind will save or destroy you...right now my mind is trying to kill me...you are giving me hope and an opportunity to overcome my own feelings of nothingness..garbage...uselessness. my story is one of selfishness and self centerdness. I have hurt so many people with my unconscious actions for as long as I can remember...then the light of god shines in me,,,if only for a moment and I see the ignorance and ego that drives me,,,truly the devil inside. You and I suffer at deeper emotional levels than some and we so desperately want to change the way we and things and people and governments and the world are. I am contemplating leaving this realm more seriously than I ever have in my life. I too have suffered from depression/addiction/sadness/weakness/negativity/despair for most of my life. Label it whatever you want - it is a sickness of the soul and it origonates in the mind. I pray that you find your way to the UK and that you overcome the negative energies that are trying to convince you that you should die. You should not and neither should I. We NEED to CHOOSE life - every moment. Choose to live. You have helped me today. Have Faith that you will be led in the right direction, Believe with everything in you that your lie can change, The right people will show up. The doors will open and you will be ok. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts with you, Please be well
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