Member Since: September 5, 2019
Answers: 7
Last Update: October 31, 2019
Visitors: 887
Favorite Columnists
Dragonflymagic
|
| |
I don't really know how to start, so I'm just gonna jump right in. Let's say that I am the mother of seven beautiful, wonderful, amazing, talented children including six boys and one girl. We were gonna quit after the fourth child, but we're surprised by a set of triplets There's hardly a day that goes by that I don't feel like a bad mother. I deal with guilt and self hatred almost on a daily basis because of it.
There are so many things that make me feel like a bad mom. I'm always worried about how well I'm raising my children. They're good kids. They're all well behaved, well mannered, kind, loving, compassionate, selfless, generous people. People compliment me on how sweet my children are and every time, I wonder how much credit I can take for it. Yes, I did always try to raise them to have all of those qualities, but sometimes I think I just got lucky with naturally good kids and a husband who knew how to raise them well. I don't have much confidence in myself to successfully raise them to be so great.
I constantly feel inadequate and inferior as a mother. I worry if my children get enough attention from me, if they always feel loved by me, if they ever feel neglected or if ever do overlook a need one of them has, if I can always protect them and keep them healthy, and if I'm doing anything that could damage them. I feel like I simply don't deserve them and like they need and deserve a better mother. I can't even provide them with health insurance. They're on my husband's insurance because the museum I work for doesn't make enough money to provide it's employees with benefits. If anything happens to my husband and one of my children falls I'll or is in an accident, we're up a creek without a paddle.
My husband and I are apparently prone to multiple births as our first two children were a set of fraternal twin boys, Aaron and Corbin. Today was Corbin's birthday and yesterday was Aaron's. Aaron was born just before midnight on October 20. and Corbin came just after midnight on October 21. Long story short, we didn't have much of a chance to celebrate Aaron's birthday. My dad's birthday was Friday and we had his party on Saturday. We were busy all day Sunday with Church stuff and important errands, so although he got a special dinner the night of his birthday, that wasn't enough for me to feel like he'd gotten a good enough birthday. He wanted to go to a certain store this evening and look at their elaborate Christmas decorations. They always decorate for Christmas way early and Aaron loves anything to do with Christmas, so he wanted to celebrate his birthday by take a long walk around that store, but I had to tell him that we couldn't today because it was Corbin's birthday. I promised we would tomorrow, but Corbin had to be in charge of our plans for this evening.
Now here's the thing that prompted me to come to this site tonight. Aaron was disappointed that we couldn't go to that store tonight and jealous that his brother was having a better birthday than he'd had. I felt guilty about the way Aaron's birthday turned out and I felt resentful of the situation. At that time, just for a moment, a short, short moment that I deeply regret and am ashamed of. I felt myself almost resenting Corbin for being the reason I couldn't give Aaron what he wanted for his birthday today. I didn't mean to. I couldn't control it, it just happened. It wasn't a deep resentment, it was extremely mild one and it wasn't one where I felt even the tiniest bit of hatred for Corbin. I still loved him as much as always and I didn't wish in that moment that I'd never had him or anything like that, but I can't get over the fact that even for a second, I resented my own son for something that wasn't even his fault.
A lot of people think that resentment is synonymous with hatred, but it's not. The internet defines resentment as a feeling of displeasure or indignation at a remark, act, person, etc. regarded as causing insult or injury. It's possible to feel displeased with or indignant about something or someone without hating that something or someone. I honestly have never hated one of my children. I've always loved Corbin more than I could ever express even in that one tiny moment of resentment, but I can't forgive myself for feeling that way. Even though many people misunderstand what resentment is, it's still not a feeling you're supposed to have towards your own child or children. I absolutely hate the thought of how Corbin would feel if he knew about this. He is so extremely precious to me, the last thing in the world I'd ever want to do is hurt him.
My biggest problem is that I wish I could say that this is the first time this has ever happened, but it's not. I had another very mild, unintentional moment of resentment towards my sons, Daniel and Josh once for something that would take too long to explain, but was a stupid reason to feel that way. I kind of resented Aaron tonight for being the reason I resented Corbin. I once resented my son, Mitch for making an insensitive joke about a tragedy that embarrassed me a little in front of people. Most ridiculously, I resented my son, Gage for being too awesome and making my other children feel inferior. Who resents their child for being too awesome? My resentment never lasts long. It lasts about literally one second and then it's replaced with terrible guilt and remorse. I've never hated any of them or wished them away or anything like that, but I still feel so bad about this. People tell me that it's normal to resent your children or any other loved ones at one time or another, but I don't see how it can be.
I'm a terrible, terrible mother. I hate myself so much sometimes and I know I do not deserve my children. I love them so much and I want to deserve them, but I've lost faith in myself to ever do so. What am I gonna do? How can I ever live with myself after this? How can I live with knowing I don't deserve my children? How can I deal with knowing I suck as a mother?
(link)
|
If your children are as wonderful, kind, and special as you say they are— you’re not a terrible mother. Just think about what you can do in the future for them and think about how you can love them.
|
|
I work in a sex store and there’s an “arcade” in the back where people go to watch porn have sex. The other day I saw a man attempting to lead a woman who was clearly drugged out in there. I told him that they couldn’t enter because she couldn’t consent and they left. I was already beating myself up about not calling the cops then when about an hour later they came back in. Her nose was bleeding but not from drugs, it was bashed in and looked like she had either fallen or been punched. I tried to reason with her, asked her if she had anywhere to go or if I could call someone for her but she couldn’t understand me. I then tried to talk to the man, told him what he was doing was wrong, she can’t consent and if he has sex with her it was rape. He was basically just looking through me so I told them I was going to call the police and they promptly left as I was dialing 911. They were gone by the time someone answered and I was just told to call again if they came back. I have not slept since this happened. I can’t eat anything, I can’t stop crying. I have never felt more guilty in my life. I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself knowing that I let a woman get raped and I didn’t do everything I possibly could to stop it. I keep going over in my head all the things I should have done. I’ve never hated myself so much and I don’t know what to do (link)
|
This wasn’t about you- you may have been able to help, but that time is over now, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about that because I doubt that many people would know what to do in that situation as many people don’t like to admit that it’s happening and they need to intervene. It’s ok to feel scared- just don’t beat yourself up about it when it doesn’t do any good. If you’re still in contact with the girl who had been drugged, maybe ask her what happened and if she’s ok now, because that’s what matters.
And now you know what to do in the future. And it’s good you are feeling guilt. If you weren’t, only THEN I’d think you were terrible.
You didn’t know what to do and that’s ok- just look out for future situations like this now that you have had this experience.
|
Two years ago, I lent a friend $4500. She told me she would pay me back after a month, but kept putting off payment. Eventually, after 5 months of this, she told me she would pay me back when another friend paid her back a debt he owed her. I told her that was fine. At that point, the friend paid her $1500 and she passed it to me leaving a balance of $3000.
Since then, the other friend's financial situation has not been good and he hasn't paid her any more money back. Consequently, my friend hasn't paid me anything back.
Today, I asked her to start paying me back again. I mentioned that it had been two years and, although the amended plan was to wait for her friend, it has been two years with no sign of progress. I said I don't need the money back right now, I told her we could start a plan to have it paid within one year.
She has not responded well, is being very curt, and says I'm making her feel like shit. Was I a jerk? (link)
|
No- she has no right to say that when she owes you 3000 from years ago. I don’t know what kind of situation your friend is in financially- but I do know that she has to pay you back. Maybe be more clear about that. If she’s a close friend, it shouldn’t be so hard to be able to talk about how she’s going to pay you back, and if not, she’s not a close friend, so you can just get the money back through other means. If she means a lot to you, I suggest that both of you come up with a plan together. Or get her to work for you or help you out for money if she’s having that much trouble. It sounds a bit like she’s taking advantage of your kindness of trying to come up with that plan.
|
|
hi! I'm from Philippines. I'm an IT college student, but I don't know what to do in the future. Lately, I'm not attending any classes since I'm confused since I cannot focus on my class. It seems that I'm not qualified on the course and I'm weak at studying, I don't even understand a thing. I always felt like an idiot because I don't have any talent or a unique mind. it does seem I don't have a brain because when I try to listen on something and rethink it again, I can't remember anything so I fail in my exams. I always felt empty and lazy since I don't have any idea what I'm going to do if I graduate. I want to go to Japan and live there. Right now I'm studying their language because I want to be a translator but it looks impossible since I'm not very good at English(and my letter looks like I don't know.) please help me, I'm a very negative person I immediately give up on things because it looks impossible. (link)
|
Sounds like once and a while you need to take a step back, and do new things. I think you should take some time to exercise (and I know this sounds like it has nothing to do with it- but for some people, it really helps— you know how exercise increases blood flow to the brain? Get those smarts on), remember to eat healthy, but also take time to do your studying so you don’t feel so unprepared or feel unworthy!! If you are truly passionate and want to get better at language, you can do it- it just takes a lot of work for it to get easier.
|
Thank you for reading my question.
I am just confused and will like some help on gender identity. Here we go….
I have been assigned the gender of a girl, but I don't always feel that way. Before you start to think "Transgender?", let me get to a point.
For example, one day I feel feminine. I look in the mirror and I absolutely love my body. But the next day I look in the mirror and I hate it so much. (Wait, I'm not done yet.) Then the day after that, I look in the mirror and I don't really care. As in, I don't feel feminine or even masculine. That was just an example. Each feeling could last a few days at the most.
Sometimes, and this just makes it more confusing, I want to wear makeup while wearing a tomboy outfit. Or even the other way around. I want to wear a dress, but no makeup.
This might seem like normal, but I am just very confused on my gender. I think I have one, but sometimes I feel like I don't. But I know that I'm not agender. Please help me.
Thank you so very much. (link)
|
If this is something that is really bothering you, I suggest trying to explore what you think it means be feminine and masculine, and research more about gender identity yourself. Girls can still act masculine and guys can still act feminine- which is different from gender preference. Some days I feel the same way- like I don’t feel like a certain gender- but I don’t think gender is always something you feel you own AT ALL TIMES. Although, most of the time (and this is just me but still) when I feel like this it’s because I’m feeling down a bit that day, or don’t like my appearance 100 percent. If you feel bad about your appearance it could be lack of self esteem. And ever hear of gender-fluid?
|
I was very tired last night, went to bed, but when I first woke up, I literally couldn't see a thing.
I then went back to sleep for a bit longer, and when I woke up, my vision was back to normal.
Why couldn't I see one thing? This has never happened before.
I'm hoping this was just some sort of weird dream, but have my doubts. (link)
|
Yeah, check with a doctor- although could it be you just woke up in the middle of the night... when it's dark? Seems obvious but I guess it would be super confusing if you're feeling groggy. Or yeah it could've been a dream, too.
|
Hi,im not sure if this is on the right category or no but here goes.
I am now a single mother of 2 children 19 and 12.
About 6 year ago my husband, my children and myself moved to a new city, all was great at first then about 2 and a half years after moving my marriage breakdown. I wanted to move back to our home town but my children wanted to stay, so we stayed, over the last 3ish years I have been living here unhappy with no support of friends. My health isn't great. I really want to move home where I have support and friends but my 19 year old still doesn't want to move back. I don't no what to do. I really don't want to leave her here, she is my everything. I'm so torn in what to do, please help (link)
|
Sounds like you just need to visit your old home town if you can. Your daughter doesn't have to go since she is nineteen and old enough to take care of herself for a little while (I wouldn't know but I assume because of my sister). And I think that while you are visiting you should take some time to really think about your decision, because no one else really knows your relationship with your daughter or your love of your hometown more than yourself.
Good luck!
|
|