Member Since: October 4, 2010
Answers: 1
Last Update: October 4, 2010
Visitors: 550
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I am an 18 year old male and I have been a pretty emotionally dead person for...well since my early childhood. And when I say dead I don't mean depressed or really down or anything of that nature. It's nearly impossible for me to feel anything genuine and I can only put a mask of fakeness on so I don't seem so far out. When I was in a psychology class I read about something called anti-social personality disorder and it almost disturbed me how similar the symptoms were to my own character. I've done enough to put myself away for the better half of my life and I haven't felt a shred of remorse or conscience. Anyways, I'm wondering if my lack of emotion is a cause of concern. Nothing brings me joy, pain, or sorrow and I can't even feel love for my own family anymore. NOTHING will make me feel anything and it bothers me. All I feel like is a body and a brain without a soul. Something is wrong with me but I don't know what. I'm a very intelligent person and all it seems I can do is succeed with material things like work while my relationships are built on false pretenses and emotions I never even felt but acted like I did. My question is: If there is anybody somewhat educated about this...what could be wrong with me? Do I have anti-social personality disorder?...and am I stuck with this? (link)
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I've been like this for a little under a year now. It's on my mind about 95% of the time and no matter what I do I can never shake it off. Last thing I remember feeling is love for a girl (who is one of my best friends) then me being denied and just anger towards her...then everything just went blank. I know have been called cold by most of my friends on multiple occasions. All my life I've been a jokester and that hasn't stopped but I don't get satisfaction from making people laugh like I used to, I just do it to do it I guess. I still feel anger that's the only thing that I can distinguish, sadness is gone along with pure happiness, love, and fear. When people tell me sad stories I pretend to express emotion. When a friend tells a joke I emulate laughter perfectly so they would never suspect anything. I usually can be found listening to my ipod while people are in conversation, staring off into the distance, or cracking jokes all the time. I turn serious situations into jokes all the time. These days It's like I'm forced to use logic but would prefer my feelings to guide me in a way it feels like I'm walking down a forked road using a coin flip to determine my direction of travel (I have no idea where the hell I'm headed). I have a friend who describes me as mysterious she always wants to know whats going on in my head, even if I explain she still won't know... Some call this a gift I guess that's the silver lining but to me its a curse if anything you're just too emotionless to see it for what it is ;). I know this because the only time i feel a sliver of my emotions is when I smoke weed, and afterward I my personality turns to shit and I have heightened anger which is why I stopped. I hope there are still some of you guys reading this, i'm glad I'm not alone.
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