Member Since: January 3, 2012
Answers: 1
Last Update: January 3, 2012
Visitors: 535
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I am an 18 year old male and I have been a pretty emotionally dead person for...well since my early childhood. And when I say dead I don't mean depressed or really down or anything of that nature. It's nearly impossible for me to feel anything genuine and I can only put a mask of fakeness on so I don't seem so far out. When I was in a psychology class I read about something called anti-social personality disorder and it almost disturbed me how similar the symptoms were to my own character. I've done enough to put myself away for the better half of my life and I haven't felt a shred of remorse or conscience. Anyways, I'm wondering if my lack of emotion is a cause of concern. Nothing brings me joy, pain, or sorrow and I can't even feel love for my own family anymore. NOTHING will make me feel anything and it bothers me. All I feel like is a body and a brain without a soul. Something is wrong with me but I don't know what. I'm a very intelligent person and all it seems I can do is succeed with material things like work while my relationships are built on false pretenses and emotions I never even felt but acted like I did. My question is: If there is anybody somewhat educated about this...what could be wrong with me? Do I have anti-social personality disorder?...and am I stuck with this? (link)
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I am like you all, I had a really rough childhood I am now 17. Almost everyone in my family suffers from some sort of mental health problem whether it be Bipolar disorder or simple depression. If what I "have" is a problem or not I am unsure and this is my first-step in reaching out for help or understanding. Anyways back to my childhood, we went from being rich to poor incredibly fast and before I knew it my dad tried to kill himself. Which i later found out was brought on by serious mental health problems, which were genetic and brought on by a traumatic experience at a young age. This started family problems leading to a nasty and bitter divorce. My dad went on to try and kill himself a few more times, which I now think were just calls for help and not knowing what was wrong with him. After he spent many a time in a mental health hospital and receiving shock treatment (which I feel is complete bullshit), this resulted in serious memory loss and created even more family problems. My mom kept me from my dad and told me he didnt want to see me. I was crushed... anyways I am just blabering on, to summarize, much more sad stuff and other family member suicide attempts including my brother and a friends suicide, and I am now rendered unemotional and unable to feel a single thing unless high, which is only making the situation worse. I have a few good friends, a new girl-friend, and am stuck somewhere between atheism and christianity. I want to cry, and I want to feel and everything about me is fake as fuck, I live another life in my head where things are different, but it isnt reality and I have serious motivation problems. I just have no idea what is wrong with me, I cant feel a single fucking thing and no matter how much I try. I know I should feel things to I was at least at one time human, and the people I do care about I cant feel anything! Even if I do make an advancement in a week I forget about it and go back on to sleepless nights, and smoking again...
If anyone feels the same way I want to know, I am on Facebook just message Ryan Chock, or post here and I will try to read but, no promises. Good Luck to you all.
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