not_the_smart_mark's advice column | not_the_smart_mark's Advice About Love Life

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Q: Okay, I need some advice, and this might be pretty long because of all the explaining I have to do about this... but anyways, at the beginning of the school year I changed schools. I started liking this guy in my Biology class. I didn't know his name because I had only been there three or four days. Then one day one of my new friends told me his friend liked me. I was all like "Okay, whatever." Well, about a few weeks later, I realized the guy that liked me was the guy I liked. The guy & I weren't really friends, and we only had a short conversation probably twice, but yet I always caught him looking at me or something and he would always stand by me if we were waiting outside the classroom for the teacher. Well, now we're in a new semester and we have History together. We've talked a few more times but not much. And I also overheard my friend talking to him about me and telling him I don't have a boyfriend and he should go out with me (but she doesn't know I like him.) I also still catch him looking at me, but he hangs around with this other girl that he seems to like. Like today, for instance, he would look at me alot during the first half of the period, then the second half he went over and sat beside the other girl and was talking to her. And I'm not really the kind of girl that will tell a guy I like him up front or anything. But I'm really confused by this - does he like me, or not? Some advice/help would be appreciated. =) Thanks. Oh, by the way, I'm 15 years old & female.

It sounds like he definitely is interested in at least getting to know you better. Chances are he also knows that you're probably scoping him out if you manage to catch him looking at you often enough (takes one to know one, eh?)

It sounds like he's a fairly cool kid and not laying it on thick and heavy, so my advice is to thank your lucky stars and ask a mutual friend (if you have one; if not just get closer to one of his female friends, perhaps even the other one he talks to - don't consider her "competition" yet; after all, it's not like he's got his tongue in either of your mouthes or anything) to arrange a situation in which the two of you, with some other people, are hanging out. You can find out more about him, what he's like outside of school, and perhaps do some flirting. If things go poorly, just step out. If things go well, then you can pare down the group until it's just the two of you going out and ta da - you've just made a smooth transition into dating :)

Q: I'm 20 (F) and the type of person that usually panics when somebody wants to know about by feelings. I'm not very much leaned into emotional blabberings.

I have been in a relationship where we don't see each other much but agreed to fix our lives (school, family etc) first before we go head-on a serious relationship.

My problem is - How, as girl can I control my feelings of longing to be with that person because I don't want destroy that future plan and disturb his pleasant present because of by my present needs (wherein in all the years of my life, its the first time I've felt this confusion)?

Just to let you know, I'm personally a great fan of commuter relationships. They're definitely not for everybody, though; they have pitfalls that most people can fall into easily. Sounds like you might be in one of them.

First, if you ever find yourself having to "control" feelings, something's wrong. Feelings should not (and in most cases CAN not) be controlled - only behavior. It sounds like you're just being vexed because you want to be with him very badly, and are probably just thinking about it too much.

Be careful that when the two of you spend time apart, you aren't idealizing him. It's very, very easy to have rose-tinted glasses when you're thinking about someone you haven't seen in a while; over time somehow their faults that were evident the last time you meet suddenly cease to be important so long as you can just see them again soon. So while the two of you are "fixing" your lives, I wouldn't by any means stifle or cut off contact with the boy - you need it to keep both of you honest and realistic. Moreover, learning to restrain yourself in contact with him should help you curb whatever aspects of your needs you think might smother him.

Q: I have this friend that I have been there with all the time. I wanted to ask him out but I don't think I've ever had a chance, been nothing but a friend and someone to free load hw off of... So, he asked one of my best friend out.. It was really wierd because, I was happy for him and her.. and everything, but I was angry and cursing myself for not taking a chance because I could just ask him after they broke up. She made some excuse that she was too busy to go out with him and he was completely crushed. So I left him alone with this, because well.. I'm his friend and I wouldn't want to just aggravate things further. Now there is some girl that is a cheerleader going after him.. She always has short flings with guys and is very capable of having a time to get a guy in her house and do things. I really don't think this is what he needs right now, and I don't want him to be even more depressed because then I will have to wait even longer for him to be ok for me to ask him out again.. *sigh* it's all so very complicated and I just hate this. I always forget what I want to say around him, feel nervous.. gah.. It's really funny because, he just doesn't see it.. like I never have a chance..

First off, it sounds like you're an excellent friend for (A) letting him chase after who he wants, even if it was your frien and (B) being considerate enough not to be TOO overeager to comfort him after she rejected him.

The cheerleader is another problem entirely. If you trust your friend a lot and know that he's got good morals, you can always let him deal with her on his own (or with just a few words of caution) and have it be a test of his chastity; would you really want a guy who's quick prey for a horny cheerleader, anyway? On the other hand, if you're really worried or this chick is some kind of incredibly seductive vixen, I would pull him aside one day and mention to him that the girl is after him and she's not good news and that, as a friend, you just want to look out for him and make sure he doesn't do anything careless or get in over his head.

Watch how he deals with things and think long and hard about how you really feel about him; if you still have feelings for him and think he's worth dating, just steel yourself up for it and mention it to him one day - under the most normal circumstances possible (it sounds like the boy doesn't need any further drama, and drama is in general something I despise anyway).

Q: I just want to know when it is the right time to tell him my feelings? I know deep in my heart i am in love with this man. At the same time i am scared to tell him how i feel because, i don't know how he feels about me in that way any way. I am afraid to tell him because i dont want him to get scared and leave the relationship. At the same time it is killing me not to tell him.

First, I see a tiny problem here. Unless it's a friendship (and I'm guessing it's not), what kind of a relationship are you in that the guy's going to be "scared," or worse, "leave," if emotion gets expressed?

It sounds like already you're giving the guy a bit too much freedom if you're letting him get away with not treating your relationship seriously enough to be ready to deal with something like this. So before you go dropping the bomb, take a while to work on things with the two of you and get your relationship to the point where it's a serious issue - where the two of you are both admittedly in it for the goal of finding love. If he doesn't want to do that, then there's definitely no way he's deserving of your love (and probably doesn't feel the same way about you) and you should consider letting him go.

Q: ok is it weird for girls to bite guys lips? cuz usually guys bite mine but iv never bitten theirs... and what about running my tongue across my bfs teeth when were making out? my firend told me thats good but i dont know... please help ill rate hi and if u guys have any other ideas please tell me!

Do you like it when he bites your lip? There's a chance, after all, that he may be trying to give you the idea. Kissing takes two, and since talking in the midst of it is generally pretty hard, you have to guage your partner's interest and mood by their reaction and their kissing.

For example, if you've been kissing a boy without much tongue and suddenly he goes for it, he obviously wants to play with tongue; if you're cool, go ahead and do likewise.

So if he's nibbling on your lip (nibbling, I assume, because downright biting sounds a bit hard and unromantic), try nibbling on him a bit back. You don't really have much to lose, and if you're careful and pay attention to his reaction, you can figure out if he likes it or not. If he does, great! If not, oh well - everybody makes mistakes, especially with kissing; there's no way to read a person's mind, so you just have to try reading the lips.

bio

Hey, I'm Mark. I'm 18, smart, a mild smoker, usually quiet, romantic, old-fashioned, unemotional, gay, and a FY college student. I know Latin and Greek. In the summers (when I'm not hanging out with friends having crazy unhealthy amounts of fun) I've been a camp counselor for... five years now. This summer will be my sixth. I don't enjoy preaching to people, but I do enjoy giving people advice and generally helping them out, and I've been told that I'm good with it, so when I found this site, I thought I'd give it a whirl. Thanks to all who appreciate it :)

(And yes, I know that picture makes me look like a blithering idiot. Live with it. It's the only picture I have of me smiling :P)