foxy's advice column | foxy's Advice About Love Life

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Q: I'm a 25-year old New Yorker who generally enjoys her life - I have a great job, good friends and lots of hobbies. However, my on-again/off-again boyfriend of 3 years makes me too miserable to enjoy all this.

During the times we've been together and the times we've been far apart (I went away to grad school last year, and meanwhile he took a job in Boston) there has been incredibly intense passion between us. We fight and cry, but our resolutions are amazingly intense as well. Our 'downs' usually result from his being unhappy (he is quite unhappy and critical by nature) and taking it out on me; however, this makes the 'ups' feel so good... like I've won him over or something. In recent years, he's done things like moving all the way back to NY to be with me, before backing out and deciding that to be with me would be 'unfair to me'. Sometimes we date, sometimes we just sleep together, sometimes we don't talk for months. The roller coaster is an intense and heartbreaking ride. I know deep down that a good relationship should be more stable, and that he is too messed-up be able to give me that. But I am also addicted to his drama and passion, and I love him - I find myself wanting to stick with him until he is well enough to treat me right.

I'm sure it sounds as if I already know what I need to do - and I do, intellectually. But it's been years and I just can't seem to internalize that understanding. My emotions just won't comply. I was truly in love with him - and now I stay up at night depressed that being in love doesn't really mean anything. I miss him terribly and cry nearly every day; I can't take other men that I date seriously. I really need words of wisdom to help me free myself from this mess.

Thank you...

Sometimes, your head has the answer that your spirit just won't accept. I think you may have hit the nail on the head saying that you are addicted to drama, or, better put, the intensity of this relationship. While love may not be a choice that you can make, how you act upon this love is. When it comes down to deciding rather or not to continue this, you have some logical questions to ask yourself: What are your future goals in the aspects of family? Do you want children and a stable mate with which to build a future with? Or will this touch-and-go lamenting kind of relationship meet your needs? Are you, perhaps, addicted to even the depression it causes? Sometimes we need intense feelings as an affirmation that we are alive. Maybe that is what you are getting out of this relationship and why you do not write this person off.

However, as far as "winning him over"---I've been through this, girl. For a long time I had a very unstable lover that every morning that I woke up with him still next to me (even though I knew he was crazy over me, he was much like your guy sounds) it felt like a victory. That's not a battlefield you want to be on.

It's a highly personal matter. No one can make this decision but you. The answers are all right there within you, and so is the resolve to do what needs to be done.

I can't promise that you will get over him. The truth is that you probably won't. Remember this, though: The amazing thing about love is that it is resilient and diverse. Like a tulip that blooms every year, it comes from the same root but is a completely different flower every spring. You may always be weak in the knees when you see this person, but I'm quite sure that you will find a completely different person who will be just as vibrant in your life. It may not be the exact same love, but love nonetheless.

Q: This weekend I am going to a couple parties and am going to be drunk at all of them. I'm debating over whether or not I should hook up with some people. I would like to, but I don't want to worry about the "aftermath". It's with mostly people I don't know, and I'm not going to have sex.

Should I do it or not? What in your opinion are the consequences?

Since you don't mean you'll be going all the way, there should be very little consequences.

If you are referring to just making out with a few people, it's all in good fun, right? Make sure that since you are under the influence of alcohol that you will be in a safe enough place near people while having a bit of randy fun. Since you won't know these people, do NOT go to any secluded areas with them. If you are going to play around, don't get so intoxicated that all your good sense leaves you.

Also, remember that even if you don't have sex, you can still contract stds if you perform unprotected oral sex. Just in case the fun gets a little heavy, pack a flavoured condom just in case.

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This column is all about sex and relationships. I started it on the advice of a friend, who insists it should be my job to encourage people in their sexual endevours. ;) Ask anything- NOTHING is off limits!