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Hi,
I'll keep this short but this may not be the correct category.
I was adopted at twelve years old. Went to live with them that summer prior to my October birthday. Thus, I was eleven in their household. I was in a fosterhome and loved by my foster parents. Genuinely loved.
My parents by adoption never grew to love me. They use to tell me they loved me unconditional because they're super Christian Methodists. Of which they may not be truly saved Christians but that's not what I'm going on about. I never believed they loved me because of the constant mild neglect throughout all the years. Turns out although they had everyone fooled, I was right. They recently admitted it saying, "I never grew to love you as a child. I am so sorry! There's no room in me." The truth made me appreciative to have obtained. However, I'm bent out of shape. This hurts really deeply. To the core even. It cuts me. I spent about 14 years not being loved by them. Because they didn't love me and I was often isolated with just them and not really around others except church and the school year I began to withdraw more and more. Their lack of love made me hollow inside. I think it was because I couldn't handle it and still struggle to handle it. It hurts to feel. To feel this.
I can see I might not be letting others in and I can't help it. I have this mark on me that I can't be loved. I know it isn't true but I keep pushing people away saying silently, "You're better off." Since I was adopted and over the years, the people that loved me before don't anymore. Everyone eventually stopped loving me. I feel like it is because the curse they placed on me. How do I cut off these binds? I'm SO used to them. I'm used to feeling unloved. I don't know if I can let go. I don't like holding on but it comforts me, oddly.
It seems that someone is concerned about my well-being that may want to be friends with me. I can't seem to let her be my friend. She says she's worried about me. I can't seem to empathize with her nor feel if there's a true feeling of concern there. I don't want to grieve her but inside I can't help but have a disbelief in me that she could feel concern.
I don't make any sense do I?
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your adoptive paretn arent really save if were they would have room. remember God and Jesus Christ will always love you and be there in your life for you just go unto them and on new friend should give her a chance as scary as it is itll probably be worth it in the longrun=) know nothing is wrong with you too =)
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