Member Since: August 7, 2012
Answers: 1038
Last Update: August 2, 2021
Visitors: 33705
|
| |
I have been dating an amazing man for a little over a year now. We are both in college and this past semester has been difficult for us. He had to do a fifth year which he was really unhappy about and has felt really lonely and like he doesn't really have a purpose here on campus. It is my senior year and he is adamant about not interfering with all of the fun he wants me to have. You would think that he would be overbearing and want to see me all of the time because he doesn't have any friends of his own here, but its the complete opposite.
He is frustrated with me because I always want more. I want more time with him, I want more of him... I feel like I'm not getting enough. He doesn't really take initiative to ask to hang out or ask to go on dates and he says its because I never give him the chance but I feel like if I don't ask, he never will... We have had a lot of fights about this. They go the same way: I express that I feel like he doesn't want to put in effort and he assures me that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me but that he just feels down all of the time at school. I have noticed that when we go off campus either for a date or to visit our families everything is amazing. He immediately perks up and it feels like he is a different person. I want to be understanding and stick it out with him like he's asked but I hate feeling so low most of the time. When he is down all he wants to do is be alone and play video games. He gets angry when I suggest we do anything else. He says if I'm bored I can leave. It's hurtful.
The other night I went a little crazy... I was drunk to the point where I did not remember doing this but I left the bar and was trying to find him. I texted him a dozen times, called him literally 25 times, and showed up at his apartment and then the only other place I knew he would be, which is his only friend still left on campus's apartment. He took me outside and said I was acting cray and he wasn't answering because he didn't want to deal with it. We fought for a few minutes and he finally just hugged me and said he loved me and we'd figure it out. I went home and fell asleep. I saw him the next morning and apologized profusely and he said he was already over it. I have done this a few times though. Never to that level, but I have a tendency of texting him numerous times in a row when I have felt like he was ignoring me. I'm not proud of it. But I feel so desperate in those times. It's not who I am. I have never been a crazy girlfriend.
I'm just stuck. I want more than anything to be with this person. I want to make it work. But last night we got into another fight and he started going off on me saying he was still mad about the night I showed up at his friend's. That he had pent up frustration and needed to think about our relationship. Today he told me he didn't mean that. That he didn't need to think about it, but now he isn't responding to me. I'm so tired of this and I don't know what to do. I know I deserve better and I know that he can give it to me... we only have one semester left and our plans after college leave us about a six hour drive apart. I want more than anything to work through this but I can't be the only one working. How do you know when its time to give up???
(link)
| |
Hi! I'm seeing the theme of 'effort' written large here. About how you are always making it. Effort of course represents 'investment'. We drop out when we feel our present level of investment has exceeded any return we are likely to see. It looks a lot like you've passed your 'break even' point to me? I'm seeing a guy who just isn't on-board here. At best, he's along for the ride. Unless he can commit more to the relationship I can't see you being content. I agree that the things you want are entirely reasonable. And no more than a woman has every right to expect from her partner. Neither are they beyond his capacity. They are beyond what he is willing to give, and that's not the same thing at all. You are partners. Like 'business partners' that does not mean one doing all the work while the other takes all the benefit. I appreciate that relationships usually involve some degree of compromise. However, remember that one person cannot compromise. One person can only back-off on their demands and give in to the other. Two people can 'reach a compromise' for sure. I'm telling this to you, but it is him that needs to know this and act accordingly. If he does not, cannot or will not then I think your happiness lies with someone else, I'm afraid.
|
|
Rating: 5
| |
So you think maybe one more chance? I just don't know when or if things will ever change
|
|