Member Since: June 22, 2013
Answers: 166
Last Update: November 6, 2015
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I want to apologize if this ends up being a little long, but please take the time to read it if you can. Let's say that you had a friend (a 27 year old man) who you cared for very much who's behavior towards his ex girlfriend is starting to worry you.
We'll call this guy by his first initial, D. D basically stole this girl from his good friend, P after having not shut up about her or left her alone for a while. It was a little creepy the way he'd talk about his friend's girlfriend and the way he'd look at her, but whatever. They ended up getting together eventually anyway.
You got the feeling that D didn't think he was good enough for this girl, who we'll call A. While they are both attractive, A is kind of out of D's league. D is boyishly good looking in a way that not everyone sees. Also he's gained quite a bit of weight and started dying his hair a weird color. A is jaw droppingly beautiful. She's very different and interestingly looking and has gorgeous features, but is very, very modest.
D was always paranoid that A was going to cheat on him or that she was only dating him because she was too modest to know that she was out of his league. He was always worried that she'd eventually realize that he was prettier than he was and she'd dump him for it. To be honest, I think she already knew, but wasn't as shallow as he was and got sick of him worrying so much about it.
I knew it wouldn't work anyway. They were too different. A is a devout Christian while D is a staunch,militant atheist. A is more conservative while D is very liberal. And they have different values and goals in life. It was bound to fall about eventually, the only question was when.
A broke up with D a couple of weeks ago when her ex boyfriend, J came back. J is a lot like A and is definitely more in her league than D. He is, like her, jaw droppingly beautiful. To say that he is movie star handsome would be an understatement. He's a Christian, he's more conservative, and his personality, values, and goals are more like hers.
It's for the best that they broke up, but D is unwilling to stand for it. I've tried to tell him that he's better off because they were too different and because she's kind of a player anyway, but he won't let her go. He calls her all the time and gets crazy, tornado pissed when she won't answer. He asks her friends where she goes all the Tim, specifically with J and then shows up at those places and begs her to come back to him. He shows up at her house all of the time and stands outside of her window while she's asleep just to be near her.
He made a comment once about how he wished he was stronger and more in shape so he could use his muscles to keep A and J away from each other. D's not a big guy. He's about 5'7 with no muscle and a lot of fat. J is over 6 feet tall and would be all skin and bones is t wasn't for his muscles. He's got some good sized ones and if he and D ever got in a fight, J would win. Even A would have a chance at taking him if they got in a fight.
The comment he made implied that he'd beat J and intimidate A out of leaving him if he could. I don't think he ever actually physically hurt them, but I know he's thought about it and wishes he at least had the ability to do so.
Does D sound like a stalker? If so, what, as his friend, can I do about it? (link)
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"D was always paranoid that A was going to cheat on him"
A very sensible thing to think, seeing as he "stole" her off P.
"A is a devout Christian"
A is a devout hypocrite if she is having sex with someone to whom she is not married. You say that A is "jaw-droppingly beautiful". People tend to think better of attractive people than they deserve, and it seems to me that that's what you are doing here.
"A broke up with D a couple of weeks ago when her ex boyfriend, J came back."
LOLZ! So A was only doing D because she was temporarily without her preferred "the D", if you know what I mean. How long did she last without getting some? A month? A week? My picture of A begins to come into focus.
"I've tried to tell him that he's better off because they were too different and because she's kind of a player anyway"
No kidding. That's putting it mildly. He religion means nothing to her, her relationship with J means nothing to her, and poor Mr D (whose penis she was using for a while, until J came back) means less than nothing to her.
"Does D sound like a stalker? If so, what, as his friend, can I do about it?"
No. If he'd been going through her trash or spying through their windows, *then* he would sound like a stalker. He's just coming to grips with the problem that he has been steamrolled by some attractive people.
You know what this sounds exactly like? It sounds like the plot of "The Great Gatsby".
"They were careless people, Tom and Daisy--they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back to their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made."
My advice? Show him my post here. Let him read this:
D, you know how you feel that A would be more into you if you were better-looking? You are absolutely right. She would. Loose weight. Get in shape. Maybe even take up a martial art, for confidence. Oh, you won't get A again cause all the work in he world won't make you tall, but you will be able to get the P you want. Leave J and A to it.
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Holy shit! This is the worst fucking advice I've ever gotten here! I came to you for advice on how to help two people I care about and you give me this shit? "My picture of A begins to come into focus." Uh, yeah right. That's laughable. You listened to nothing I said. Who the fuck said they were having sex anyway? Did you read that in my post? No, you just assumed it because you think that dating= sex simply because YOU can't keep it in your pants. They weren't having sex because D's not a horn dog who pushes women into having sex if they don't want to and A didn't want to. "People tend to think better of attractive people than they deserve, and it seems to me that that's what you are doing here" I don't care whether she looks like Jennifer Anniston or Ugly Betty. I was just explaining to you why D didn't think he was good enough for her, but again, you didn't listen. This is not the first woman that D has pushed away. "So A was only doing D because she was temporarily without her preferred "the D"? No, he pushed her away just like he pushes all of his girlfriends away by being so paranoid, needy, and the way he accused her of cheating on him when she wasn't. She had no interest in J or anyone else until she stared wanting to get away from D because he was PUSHING her away. "He religion means nothing to her, her relationship with J means nothing to her, and poor Mr D (whose penis she was using for a while, until J came back) means less than nothing to her." That's completely backwards. She was the religious one and HE mocked HER beliefs. Like missundersmock said, she was the one trying to make things work, not him. He was lazy and didn't want to put forth an effort as usual and if he gets advice like this, he'll think it's okay to NEVER put forth an effort and he'll wind up alone because of it. She's crazy about J and she WAS crazy about D until he pushed her away. Now dumping P for D, sure that was bad, but in her defense, she and P weren't serious and they broke up BEFORE she and D started dating. It wasn't a reason for D to be psycho paranoid that A would CHEAT on him like he thinks ALL of his girlfriends cheat on him. He treats EVERYONE like this and it worries me. Having kind of become friends with A as well, I was worried about her too. I have friends who have dated guys who made threats like his before and once, it ended with the guy going Chris Brown on the girl and going to jail for it, so I didn't know whether to take it seriously or not. I mean come on, standing outside of her bedroom window all night while she sleeps? That's not normal or healthy at all. If he's weird enough to do that, then who knows what else he's weird enough to do? My nightmare is (or at least was) that one day, he'd follow through with his threat, beat A and J into a coma, and wind up in jail with a criminal record or it. I came here for help in preventing that, but you didn't help a damn bit. You made it worse Now, I'm still worried, but I'm also pissed. D needs help, not reassurance that the way he's behaving is normal and okay. He doesn't need to be told that he DOESN'T have a problem. You really shouldn't be giving advice to anyone if this is the best you can do at helping.
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