Member Since: June 22, 2013
Answers: 166
Last Update: November 6, 2015
Visitors: 8674
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I'm 24/f. I recently moved out of my house and I am working on my combined masters and doctoral program. I am really trying to gain independence from them because they are controlling, in an extremely unhealthy way. Let me just give you an idea of how unhealthy they are. When my mom gets her nails done with me, and she doesn't like the color that i've picked, she will tell the nail technician to change my color and will make a big stink about it. I have class and work 3 times a week. The other days, I need to study. I have a lot of work.
At home, there is no privacy. I do not even have my own room, which was one of the reasons I decided to go to this university. I needed a place to study. I did not want to go to where I did my undergrad, because they would have expected me to live at home. Yet, they still find ways to control me nearly an hour away.
My mom cries because she says that she doesn't want me to be driving on the expressway. They even went as far as to suggest that I don't have a car with me while I'm over there so that I don't get tempted to drive back. However, I need my car to get to work because although i work for the university, I don't work right on campus. I work about 10 minutes away. On the days that I'm not over there, my mom wants to drive to the university, pick me up, and take me home. She wants me to be home 4 days a week and in my place only 3 days. I think that would be fine if it wasn't so rigid. If I wanted to come back home. But, she wants me home whether I want to be there or not, whether I have a big project or something going on. When I'm home, I don't even have the opportunity go out with friends. They don't want me driving at night, they like for me to be home by 11. Even though I don't have a "curfew," they will blow up my phone. The only way that they are okay with me going out and being out late is if I'm on a date and the guy is driving. Yet, my boyfriend is not allowed in my house because they hate him.
I just feel like they are controlling me so much. I always thought that when I moved out, it would be different. I thought that once I got married, it would be different. But, if they are so controlling, I don't know how to get them to stop. I just want to have a normal life. I don't want to come home at 2 in the morning. I want to come home at 11 or 12, but I'd like to drive. I'm a grown woman. I would like to be able to spend one weekend in my apartment (if I feel like it) and not be dragged out by my hair. I would like to be trusted to drive 40 minutes without my mom crying. I understand worrying, but she hides in bed and cries of hours if I tell her I'm going to make the drive instead of being driven. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like life isn't worth living anymore if it's all about them controlling me. I have no peace.
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"I would like to be trusted to drive 40 minutes without my mom crying."
You cannot control what your mother does. You can only decide what *you* will do.
To help you do that, it might be helpful to name this behaviour what it is: it's abuse. You are an emotionally abused person, who comes from an emotionally abused childhood, and you are exactly like a whole segment of people exactly like you. Your problems are not unique, not even close.
"but she hides in bed and cries of hours if I tell her I'm going to make the drive instead of being driven"
Jesus H Christ - this is not *normal*! Don't you get it? Normal people don't behave like this.
Forget ever getting her to change. She never will. Ever. If you have a little fantasy where you say just exactly the right words to her and she sees what a bad person she has been being and stops - abandon it. Ain't never going to happen.
"I thought that once I got married, it would be different."
You are married? Let me guess: your husband and you have fights because you are all "no I have to go see my mother" and he is all "but don't you see that she is just controlling you? etc etc.
How about you let your husband win one of these fights, for once? How about you and he - I dunno - go on a picnic or something? How about you put him mom the phone when your mother starts with the thing?
Why not let him help you, instead of fighting him?
I'm just guessing that that's the way it is - but I could be right.
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Rating: 5
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thank you so much for your advice. i really needed to hear that. i was writing very quickly and i think what i wrote came out wrong. I am not married yet. I'm saying that i thought that once i moved out, it would be different. but, since it isn't, i'm still hanging on to the hope that it will be different once i get married (which isn't far away)... but that since moving out didn't make a difference, i don't think being married will. thank you so much for your caring and listening. God bless xoxo
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