Member Since: August 7, 2012
Answers: 1038
Last Update: August 2, 2021
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The discussion is real but is the feeling? I have always had the nagging feeling that my boyfriend isn't ready for the level of commitment we have. For two years he has reassured me that our son and I are what he wants but his words sometimes lead me to believe that he feels restricted and uneasy with our relationship. We just recently had a conversation in which he brought up the fact that he is unsure if where he is in life with us is where he really wants to be. It seems to me as if he needs some time to explore what it is that he really wants. He seems to think that his feeling of being trapped and forced into being a father and partner is simply part of being immature and he'll just get used to it. Opinions anyone?? It hurts me to hear him say he's not sure if he wants us. (link)
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Hi there. I just wrote a reply to someone on a similar line. The gist is that if somebody knows exactly what they want ther is little anybody can do to deflect them from their chosen path. But few decisions and options in life are this clearly defined and absolute. More often we THINK we know what we want, or sometimes openly confess to not really knowing WHAT we are looking for. It is perhaps a little devious but when people are in this frame of mind we can do a lot with them. You know what YOU want and the best way to make him do it is to convince him that it is what HE wants. I would say that by lightly writing off his commitment doubts as 'being immature', he is betraying some desire to BE immature (which equals free-agent, able to do as he pleases...all the things we associate with youth basically). The somewhat grudging acknowledgement that he will 'get used to it' will indeed hurt. You want to be wanted, not tolerated...and quite right too. And stating that he will adjust to it I think you should take as him signalling that he does not think he really wants to get used to it. NOT AS IT STANDS NOW. And this is where you can influence things. DO NOT play into it. Meaning do not even hint at taking the line, 'Yes...you will probably get used it. It might be OK at times, you never know'. Bad strategy! Now think about what you have learned about him over two years. What do you think constitutes being trapped and forced into a corner for him? What scares him and makes him doubt his decisions? And now, what parts of being with you and your son map onto his fears and doubts? These aspects of the relationship you need to either play down or work out a real way around. Real solutions are better. If there is a way to realise his ambitions and lay his fears WITHIN the framework of the relationship, find it and discuss it. Any that are so mutually exclusive that they CANNOT co-exist you somehow need to convince him are likely to disappoint him anyway. They are not the promised-land. And you need to do it in such a way that he thinks that it is his own thought and idea that they are not. Do not ridicule or attack them, but subtly lay the seeds of doubt in his own mind, as it were. OK. What parts of the family relationship have delighted him and fired his enthusiasm? Big them up, and big-time! Point out that there will be so much more to come. Recount how much fun the fun things were. When we look back at great times it generates a mood of optimism and ambition for the future (it is a strange and virtually 100 percent predictable human response but the effect is not long-lasting. So keep falling back on it when you sense him having doubts about the future). I could run on and on, boring you even more no doubt. Let's try and sum it up. Pour out positives. Work out ways to turn his potential negatives INTO positives. Try to undermine his perceived negatives subtly and from within. If you are savvy enough you can take someone who does not really know what they want and make them want what YOU WANT THEM TO WANT. And make them think that not only is it a good idea, but that it was THEIR OWN idea as well! Once they believe it was their own darling idea, they will push it through with enthusiasm. Ultimately he (like all of us) will do what he pleases and pursue what he wants. Or what he THINKS he wants. And this is where you come in. Think like brilliant marketing executives. ' I don't really know waht I want' is like a blank sheet of paper. You can write anything you want on it. Good luck. X
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Rating: 5
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Thank you for your response. It was by no means a bore and is very helpful. You gave me some good questions to ponder on. Thank you for your time!
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