Member Since: August 7, 2012
Answers: 1038
Last Update: August 2, 2021
Visitors: 33695
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Hi I'm in pieces and don't know what to do. I've been with my husband 20 years we have a 10 year old daughter and 7 year old son we also foster a 6 year old girl. We seem to have everything you could dream of enough money, perfect jobs, joy and happiness, nice cars, perfect kids but where do you go from there when you've reached all your goals. I know my husband is displaying every sign of a midlife crisis and is struggling maybe even depressed. He's 38 & I'm 37. I found out 2 weeks ago he's been having an affair for 4 months with a girl 24 year old who has a toddler. When I found out he said he'd hoped I would because he was trying to break it off with her for a while. He says he feels sorry for her as she was physically abused by her babies father and her mam has kidney failure. I held him close while he cried for his loss after he ended it with her. We planned how we would try to save our marriage we researched on the internet how to cope with the addiction of an affair etc how all contact had to be severed and things have been great. We spent 24/7 together for 2 weeks, made love every day went out together and he showed me every text and call she sent him in the first week and we handled them together telling her to back off he wants to be with us. it seems he really wants to make things work. Even planning an expensive holiday for us in 5 months time. But I found him phoning her when he was drunk tonight in the toilet and I checked his phone and he'd been phoning her all day from the toilets while I was at a football match with him. He's saying he's been telling her all day she's not worth losing his family for but I don't know if I believe him why would he keep phoning her could it just be because of the huge amount of alcohol? He's begged me for another chance saying he slipped up and wants us he's broke down screaming in the foetal position asking me to help him. He broke his heart saying goodbye to the kids. I was so mad that he'd been speaking to her today and my lack of trust made it worse, I shouted at him really angrily telling him he's ruined our family and he's had his chance. so I phoned his sister to come and get him. He was in a hysterical state when they arrived and had to be helped out of the door. It broke my heart but I felt so betrayed! He came to me and said he was sorry when he left but I said I don't want to hear it. My daughter heard everything and is devastated. She's texting him and calling him begging him to love me and pleading for him to come back. I can't function I'm having what I think is a panic attack, struggling to breath, pounding head, vomiting, shaking etc I can't cry as my daughter is beside me. I don't know what to do, I love him so so much but I've sent him to his sisters and I don't know if I've been to hard on him and he won't come back. Should I call him to work on helping him again and try to save our marriage or should I leave it up to him to approach me? Thank you for listening I've got no one to talk to and would love a third parties perspective on this. Mandy (link)
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Hi there. A heart-wrenching post on the dmage infidelity causes in a long term relationship. I believe your informative writing has given me a fairly good 'sketch' of you both though. Naturally, you are devastated...rightly so. I get a good idea that your self-esteem is in better condition than his, despite everything. I'd say his attraction to a rather 'needy' young woman has possibly aroused feelings of sympathy and of 'wanting feeling needed'. The desire for attention. And you mention that rather thorny 'mid-life crisis' angle, which is a notoriously difficult time. You seem to be taking the more positive view by far. He will be feeling a lot of guilt. Add this to what I believe is rooted in a self-esteem issue for him...and he is likely to 'wallow in it' as it were, and be very reluctant to (even scared to) approach you. So I believe that IF you intend to rebuild the relationship, then YOU will have to make most (all?) of the running at this stage. It might be tempting to 'let him stew' with a 'You wait...you'll regret this.' mindset. I would say he is deeply regretting it already. You have the moral and emotional upper hand I think? This does not strike me as the action of a man who was ever intending to choose the younger woman in preference to you and form a lasting relationship with her. More a knee-jerk reaction to low self-esteem, identity issues often associated with mid-life years and a a desire to be needed. Hope this helps as a third-party observation? And my best wishes to you. C.
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Rating: 5
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Thank you for your response to my post! It's so nice to have someone speaking with no emotion connection to us as individuals. You really 'hit the nail on the head' so to speak in that he has major self esteem issues and needs the attention that her saving her gets him. It pains me to contact him and make the first move but I need questions answering I need to know where life goes from here. Would you like an update on how things go and can I seek your support again as you've really helped me more than you can ever know? Thanks Mandy
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