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My boyfriend is from another country and he is muslim. We have been dating for about 7 months now. He buys me lots of nice things (for no reason) constantly, and he is very sweet. He's always doing and saying nice things to me. He always goes out of his way, and meets my "demands" with things. haha I really care about him a lot.
The problem, is that he won't tell his parents about me. He says that they will think he is marrying me, and that he is never coming home. I think that is stupid, why can't he just tell him we are just dating? He said they won't understand and he wants to be sure that we are getting married first. Also, because of this he won't post pictures of me on facebook. (he doesn't have any pictures of any girl on his facebook) I asked why can't you just say I'm like a friend from class? & he says I don't understand, & they will wonder why out of nowhere he's put a picture up when hes never done it before..
I don't know, I understand it to an extent. I understand that if he tells his parents, they will think he is never coming home.
All of his friends here know about me, they've seen me, etc. I don't think he is cheating on me. He constantly gives me his phone to use & sends texts in front of me, etc. & I'm with him like all day, every day. He will even send facebook messages in front of me, etc.. I'm really not worried about that. I'd realy like some opinions from people who know about this culture, etc. Because i'm just having a hard time understanding! (link)
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The dating thing is a serious cultural issue. Families and marriage work differently, especially in Muslim countries. He isn't going to tell them, really he can't. It's difficult to explain this to someone who's never lived in that culture who hasn't read about it extensively and known people who have lived in that culture who will talk freely about it.
I recommend dumping him for different reasons than Rahzie. If he is refusing to show his parents you even exist after 7 months he comes from a culture that takes marriage seriously and has certain very firm expectations for a woman's role which will be unfamiliar and unwelcome.
As she said, it's not that he's a bad person. It's that he comes from an entirely different culture than you do. Right now he is assimilating to our culture, living by our norms. If marriage comes up, there's something like a 90% chance he will expect you to move to his country with him, and when you do he will expect you to assimilate to his cultural norms.
You need to do a few things if you want this relationship to continue past this point. You need to bring up permanence and where he thinks this relationship is going. If he just likes spending time with you, perhaps sleeping with you, and is having fun dating you, that might be fine with you. It might not. He might just be enjoying the American dating scene, he might seriously be thinking about marriage.
The conversation needs to happen. And you need to make it absolutely clear that under no circumstances are you leaving your country. This is in your best interest, no matter how much you love him you aren't going to love his culture. If you think sexism can be bad in Western culture, you have no idea how bad it can be wherever he is from. If he's from a country where he's not showing his parents he's dating because of the marriage implications, especially if he expects that if you marry him you'd be returning with him to his country, it's not a culture you want to be involved in.
I will repeat that just to be sure. DO NOT MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY FOR THIS GUY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. The laws are different, and you do not want to end up unhappy in a marriage in another country where you cannot legally divorce him and cannot leave the country without his consent.
This is a serious conversation that needs to happen. Is he fine with staying in your country with you? If not, are you both fine with this relationship being something fun for now which will end later on when he has to move back or whatever? There's nothing wrong with that second option, you're 18 and if this guy isn't the last guy you'll ever date that doesn't mean you have to dump him right away.
But you need to figure out where his head is and where yours is. It's been 7 months. It's time for that serious conversation.
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Rating: 5
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Thanks, he actually did end up telling his parents. The reason he didn't is because they will think that we are for sure getting married, and that he will be staying here. (Which if he do get married, he will be)I'm 21 & he is 24, so marriage is something we are considering, & it is a serious relationship. I think he just wanted to make sure before he told his parents. By the way, where he comes from is very western.
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