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My situation seems to be different from anything I’ve ever heard of or read about. I love my wife dearly, but I’m about ready to walk out the door because my own emotional ‘love bucket’ has run dry.
My story starts in the 15th year of our marriage: at Valentines we had a marriage vow renewal ceremony then shortly after (March 5th) she told me about her infidelities during the previous years. Actually, she told me about 4 and it wasn’t until much later that I found out the number was way higher.
She’s said she was sorry, that she’d never wanted to hurt me, that she’d been ‘sick’, that she’d only done it for the attention and she just wanted me to forgive and forget and we could just go on as if nothing had ever happened.
When I cried and told her how much this hurt, she got angry and defensive. My position was (and still is), “You destroyed something that was very precious to me: what are you going to do to make up for that? I don’t know if I can ever trust or believe you again: what are you going to do about that?”
Her position: “Nothing! I stopped, didn’t I? Beyond that I don’t owe you anything.”
Even if our sex life hadn’t dried up, I doubt that I could muster much enthusiasm for a woman who turned out to be so much different from the girl I thought I’d married.
If only she hadn’t told me! My advice to every adulterer is: don’t ever tell unless there’s a burning chance that he/she will find out – in which case you need to tell them before they find out on their own.
I don’t want much: I was promised love, honor and faithfulness and I want that! If I can’t have that then I at least want a substitute I can live with.
The other side of the coin is that during this time I was a radio / tv broadcaster. The opportunities for me to have been unfaithful to her were abundant. Nope! Not once. Not even close.
Which leads me to the other edge of my sword of frustration: had I taken advantage of those opportunities then right now, we’d be on equal footing.
What would you do?
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I'd go see a marriage counselor. Right away. Its hard to believe it right now, because you are so hurt, but other people have been through this, and they have fought through to find a pretty amazing marriage on the other side of it. Believe it or not, your marriage isn't over. Yet. But you do need to take steps to save it. Even if you both decide it can't be saved, seeing a therapist will help you talk to each other in a way that you can each hear and understand. Perhaps your wife needs a third party to help her clearly understand the devastation she has brought to the marriage, and perhaps you need a third party to be able to express how you feel in a way she can understand. You're angry and hurt right now. You should be. But because of the high emotion, this isn't a good time to be making decisions that will affect you and your family forever. So ask your wife to go with you to counseling. If she refuses, go alone. You can't and shouldn't be dealing with this by yourself. You both need professional help to push through and decided what comes next in your lives. You can do this.
Response: Then try a regular professional, non-religious. If you don't do EVERYTHING you can before you walk away you may never really be able to heal down the road.
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Rating: 4
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We have been to counselors, one male and one female. Both where Christian counselors and both insisted that once she'd confessed to God what she'd done, my only choice was to totally forgive her and shut up about it.
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