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My situation seems to be different from anything I’ve ever heard of or read about. I love my wife dearly, but I’m about ready to walk out the door because my own emotional ‘love bucket’ has run dry.
My story starts in the 15th year of our marriage: at Valentines we had a marriage vow renewal ceremony then shortly after (March 5th) she told me about her infidelities during the previous years. Actually, she told me about 4 and it wasn’t until much later that I found out the number was way higher.
She’s said she was sorry, that she’d never wanted to hurt me, that she’d been ‘sick’, that she’d only done it for the attention and she just wanted me to forgive and forget and we could just go on as if nothing had ever happened.
When I cried and told her how much this hurt, she got angry and defensive. My position was (and still is), “You destroyed something that was very precious to me: what are you going to do to make up for that? I don’t know if I can ever trust or believe you again: what are you going to do about that?”
Her position: “Nothing! I stopped, didn’t I? Beyond that I don’t owe you anything.”
Even if our sex life hadn’t dried up, I doubt that I could muster much enthusiasm for a woman who turned out to be so much different from the girl I thought I’d married.
If only she hadn’t told me! My advice to every adulterer is: don’t ever tell unless there’s a burning chance that he/she will find out – in which case you need to tell them before they find out on their own.
I don’t want much: I was promised love, honor and faithfulness and I want that! If I can’t have that then I at least want a substitute I can live with.
The other side of the coin is that during this time I was a radio / tv broadcaster. The opportunities for me to have been unfaithful to her were abundant. Nope! Not once. Not even close.
Which leads me to the other edge of my sword of frustration: had I taken advantage of those opportunities then right now, we’d be on equal footing.
What would you do?
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I'd divorce her, personally.
Fifteen years of marriage is alot of investment. I don't make that suggestion lightly. But her unrepentant behavior and "I don't owe you anything" is flat out selfish. She wants to have whatever she wants when she wants it. She wanted to cheat, now she wants an honest relationship and thinks that she should just get it, and if she decides she wants to cheat in the future she will again.
Make no mistake about that. Someone who responds "I stopped, didn't I? I don't owe you anything beyond that" is flat out wrong. Marriage isn't about what she thinks she owes you, it's about what you need, and you need trust you will never get from her, fidelity that she hasn't and will continue to not provide.
No, if you'd cheated too, you'd not be on equal footing. Because you want things out of her and out of this relationship she seems incapable of providing for you. She doesn't think infidelity is what you think it is. She's minimizing it because she wants what she wants and you married a spoiled fucking brat.
No offense, it's not your fault she was willing to lie and you trusted her. I trust my wife with stuff like this every day. If I found out that trust was invalidated I'd walk immediately.
If you want to try to make it work, go see a counselor. If you're looking for permission to divorce her, consider such permission granted. I don't think she will ever give you the peace of mind you need to recover this relationship, personally.
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Rating: 4
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I'm not asking for permission, but thank you for suggesting what you would do in my shoes. That's what I'm looking for.
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