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Firstly. We're both 17.
So my boyfriend had a party last night, and a couple of hours before he went he decided to call me. The call consisted of me asking him if he would please please skip any flirty, snuggly, huggly, kissy dares, because he had been very liberated about that, even when we're together.
His response was basically that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't all right with that. That "no-one else seems to have that problem but you". Followed by "Why can't I be with you, AND have fun?"
I then asked him how he would feel if I had my lips pressed up against someone elses', and he said he wouldn't mind, which tore my heart out.
He kept repeating "I don't want to ruin everyone's night by chickening out of a dare just because I have a girlfriend", and "why does it have to be either A or B with you..hy does it matter if it wouldn't mean anything anyway."
I'm just very hurt right now, that he doesn't see kissing as a special thing that I only want to share with him, and he replies with "you've been with plenty of people and kissed them too." which is true but only before we got together.
I'm just extremely upset and hurt. Is this normal? Am I over-reacting?
I appreciate any advice/help.
Thank you
Kkytha
17/f/Aus (link)
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Here's the thing. You're both right.
Some people's jealousy focuses on emotional intimacy, some people on physical intimacy, some people (a small number) have no manifest jealousy at all.
Your boyfriend's comment of "it's not like it means anything" is telling. It doesn't, to him. He values emotional intimacy. If you kissed another guy because you were playing truth or dare, he wouldn't care. He trusts that you are into him, and he isn't threatened by a kiss that involves no actual love or affection.
You have an issue with the act of kissing itself. It is special to you in a way it isn't to him. That's something that feels right to you because it's what you want, and it's what pricks your jealousy. You're not wrong, but you have to recognize that this is something that you want, not something that he is wrong for not wanting.
This is a gap between the two of you. It is something you must discuss (calmly) and compromise on or realize you can't. He is not wrong for wanting the freedom to have fun when it means nothing and is no threat to the relationship. You are not wrong for wanting him to respect your boundaries.
In this case, you two have to decide togther whether your relationships is the thing that's wrong here.
He's not doing anything that I think you should be threatened by. But if you can't help it, consider whether trying to deny his freedom to have fun to make yourself feel better will do more harm than good.
This will come up in other ways. If you were both adults I might have a little more of a "he should compromise to respect what you want" opinion but at 17 he's still a young guy and wants to have fun like a young guy. He isn't looking for a girl he has to hide these things with, he wants to be able to go play truth or dare and talk to you about it, laugh about it. Maybe bring you along and play it and laugh when you awkwardly kiss another guy or sit there hoping you have to kiss another girl. He wants to not care so much and relax where you don't.
Can you date a guy like that? Should you? Are you right for him and he right for you? At 17 the answer to that is no, so the question before you is do you want to relax or do you want to break up and find a guy who thinks more like you do?
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Rating: 5
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Wow. Thanks :)
There's so much insight there.
You've helped me a lot :)
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