Member Since: May 3, 2011
Answers: 1053
Last Update: December 12, 2012
Visitors: 35250
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Okay here's the deal. I've been good friends with someone for a long while. Let's call this friend "Mr Red". We're fairly close and have been through quite a bit together. our friendship is still strong and tight, and we've got a lot in common, and many mutual friends.
A few months ago, I met someone, let's call her "Miss Blue", whom I am not involved with in a serious relationship. The circumstances of meeting her will be a little odd, so bear with me.
I first heard of her when Red was ranting about something she did. Apparently, Mr Red seriously dislikes her and wants nothing to do with Miss Blue. This is not new, and in fact.. the rest of the clique dislikes her as well. I've always been the person who really doesn't like to follow along with crowd decisions of that type.. since I used to be ostracized in grade school often. I remember what it feels like, so I try to give everyone a chance
When I actually met Miss Blue, it developed into an attraction, and now we're involved. Obviously, this has caused some rifts
To be clear, Miss Blue has never asked me to choose between her or them. None of the group including Mr Red has ever pressured me about my relationship with her. They accept it, and respect it, but most do not approve of it.
The biggest problem is that I am unable to include my significant other in my activities with them in most cases, since Mr Red is often around. Mr Red usually just refuses to hang out with me if she's already there, and leaves quickly if she shows up later.
Miss Blue is both hurt and upset by this behavior, and rightfully feels ostracized and left out. She feels very guilty that I need to take time out for her and away from Mr Red and the group. If I'm not caught up in something important, like just hanging out with the group, I often go see her.. which she feels guilty about me having to do.
She wants to be included, but also feels bad that I have to separate my time with her and them.
As for her and Red... she has tried multiple times to work things out with him, but he is simply stone faced about it. He's said in response every time that he doesn't believe her apologies and doesn't want to hear it. He wants her to leave him alone.
They have never been romantically involved.
My question is about how best to handle my place in this. Even with careful separation of my time between the two, she still feels terrible, and I feel like maybe I should be doing something more. (link)
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Dude, everybody has a different sensibility and so not everyone is going to get along. It can make things nettlesome at times, but one must just be resigned to that fact.
The question for you, then, is one of priorities. Is the relationship with Mr. Red more important to you, both in the short term and in the way of long term prospects, than the one with your girlfriend? Does she represent something of the forbidden fruit to you because of your mates' disapproval? Or is she something that you've always wanted and needed in your life? You have to make a decision as to who, then, you will prioritize. I must say I do feel for your lady.
I personally can't blame Mr. Red for his behavior toward her since people are what they are. So by making priorities you can send the message to your girlfriend that she is paramount in her life, which will make the sting of her being unpopular with your mates a little easier to swallow and just have occasional guys night out as a result. Certainly, if you get married, the guys night out will become more the rule than the exception anyway. It just depends on what you want out of your life.
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Rating: 4
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Thank you for the advice! It is very helpful.
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