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I really don't know how to handle my wife, how to talk to her or deal with her. We're a young married couple, I'm 26 and she's 21, been married for over a year now and been together on and off for seven.
We both want kids. She wants kids now, and I want them some day. I'm not ready to be a father, certainly not ready to be any kind of role model for anyone, and we've both got school to get through. Thing is, she'll be done with school in less than two years and I want to go to med school, which with the late start I got due to not having the money to go is going to be at least another six or seven years.
She wants to have her first kid at 25. We both know this isn't possible, but because she has the baby bug now she sees 25 as a compromise.
That's not going to happen with me. I try to avoid this conversation because that is the flat out truth, I will not be having kids with her when she is 25 and I am 30. I will still be in school, possibly med school, I will not be able to be a father during that period.
She wants a definite date, and I can't give her one. She puts it on me to answer her, and this conversation comes up about every month or two ending in a fight each time because the answer never changes. The truth is that I don't know. I'm an undergrad at a shitty community college. I don't know how long it will take to get back into a decent university via transfer, I don't know that I will get into med school the first year I apply, I don't know how things will be five years from now.
But we always come back to her point of view. "This is my priority, everything I'm doing I'm doing so we can have kids". As condescending as it probably is, I cannot take her seriously. She's 21, I'm 26 and I'm not ready to be a father, and knowing that its literally biological clock issues that keep this on her mind make it difficult for me to have any level of patience with her when she gets all over me demanding answers and timetables and making veiled threats about "maybe if our priorities are this different we need to rethink things". When I get angry at her for making empty relationship threats during irrational periods I'm the asshole. When I tell her the truth I'm the asshole. When I try to avoid the conversations entirely I'm the asshole.
I know that what she feels is real and visceral, but she knows we cannot have kids any time soon, she knows I hate her pressuring me for answers that I do not have, timetables I cannot be sure we will be able to meet.
She flat out told me it's my job to comfort her, to give her what she needs here. To me, that's unreasonable. This is a partnership, and she uses that very word against me because she has an emotional desire to have kids which in many ways outweighs the logical rational knowledge that it cannot and will not happen right now.
I'm reaching the end of my rope. She's got a billion reasons why it needs to happen as soon as possible. Every one of them is, to her, entirely valid. If I disagree with her I'm not being sensitive to her needs and feelings. If she disagrees with me her thoughts are right and mine are wrong because she's the woman and she will have to carry the thing. I mean, she's repeatedly used the "my body won't recover from the pregnancy as well if I'm older" line to justify wanting to have it sooner. She's quoting autism statistics and studies and yelling at me that the five percent increased chance of complications from 30 to 35 is something that needs to motivate me to move my ass.
She wants to see me freaking out as much as she is. Her biggest problem is that, at this point, I don't think about kids. I have too many other goals to accomplish before they are a realistic possibility, I'm fighting for us to have a cohesive life that isn't living paycheck to paycheck before kids are a desire or consideration for me. She is angry at me, I feel like, because she is a woman with hormonal urges to have kids that make her think about this daily, and I am a dude who has nothing of the sort so I am focused on our goals, the things we need to and can accomplish. She wants me to obsess about children as much as she does. She knows it isn't and won't happen, because whatever biological clock I might have is entirely overridden by logic, and it makes her mad that I don't get it and don't feel like being harassed by her because of it. I can empathize with her when she is prepared to be reasonable, but right now she is not, and I'm getting really goddamn sick of it.
Therapy is not an option (uninsured and broke) so keep that in mind and if you're under 25 you do not have the life experience to give me an opinion I will respect (no offense intended) but if you're over 25 give me a perspective, ideas, anything.
Paging Rahzie to the front. (link)
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21 is still so very young to be having anxieties like this. I don't find it unreasonable at all to wait. However, this is obviously a big issue for her (and now she is making it a big issue for you too). This is something that needs to be taken to a third party. You are at an impasse and it doesn't sound like you are making much more progress on this issue. Worse, it is affecting your relationship. If you have the means, take this to a therapist. There are deeper issues that need to be worked out here, such as why she is so adamant about children right now, why does she feel she needs that to be happy, and why you think you're not ready to be a dad. If you can't afford a therapist (which I highly recommend, think of it as an investment), check with your church or religious institution to see if anyone there does couples counseling. Sometimes having a neutral third party can do wonders for communicating your issues in a more effective manner. Right now, you guys can't hear each other anymore (understandably). You need help to get through to each other. This is something that can most definitely be worked out. And both of you will have to bend on this issue, in some way. I wouldn't worry so much about being ready for parenthood. You'd be amazed at how having a child to care for changes you, instantly. But you are also right to think about being prepared, financially and time-wise, to care for a child. That is a smart thing. So definitely go get help together. Because no matter what you guys decide to do, bringing a child into a strained marriage can only make things worse. This, I know! Good luck.
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Rating: 3
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The third party is not an option. I appreciate the suggestion but we're not religious (both agnostic) and other than an actual paid professional there is no third party either of us would be willing to see, and paid third parties are out of the question until such time as we're not eating spaghetti three nights a week because we have no money for anything else.
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