Q: 18/f
i really need advice/support/someone to talk to..
i really feel like my life is getting out of control. i hate who i've become. i used to be this really nice shy girl who cares about everybody's feelings and i was just overall a nice person. a lot of people liked me because i was so nice. but now i just feel like i'm losing control of my life. i'm not influence with drugs or alcohol. (i'm not that stupid) but i feel like lately i've been so unfair and un-loyal to people. i've lost about 20 people in my life. they walked out of my life because they said i was too much drama and they couldn't handle me in their lives and they were better off without me there.
the first few times people left me were hard.. i didnt know what i did wrong and i was devastated. but then after about 10-15 people left i got used to it and realized they were being stupid. but then something major happened this past week.. my ex boyfriend wanted to get back with me (while i was still with my current bf) and a huge drama fest broke out. they fought over me and made me pick in between them. for a few days i kept switching my mind and i know that was a bad mistake. finally today i made my decision to stick with my current bf. my ex was devastated and started to tell me that karma will kick my ass one day and that i'm a hurtful person. he said i dragged his heart and ran over it with a tank. that made me cry and i realized that its not just a coincidence.. so many people have walked out on my life and i realize its all because of me and how i treated them. my boyfriends friends hate me because they heard how unfair i was treating my bf (by comparing him to my ex and not deciding who i wanted). my bff told me that i was a horrible person because i treat people badly and dont think about how others feel. and just so many other things happened in my life that makes me realize how horrible i am.. like for example- i lost a good girl friend because i thought she was just using me and didnt really care about me. another time i lost a guy friend because i told him i really cared about him but he wanted more and it just fell apart because we wanted different things.
my parents tell me i'm such a good kid but i honestly dont see how they and other friends can look at me and think i'm a great person... i admit it- i treat people like crap. i'm unfair towards people and say things i dont really mean. i've been crying for the past 2 hours because i feel like i'm literally losing control of my life. i wish i could just start everything over and forget about all of my mistakes.
i just really need advice on what to do. i've tried talking to close people about how i feel but they keep getting mad at me because i "dont realize how important i am" but i honestly dont think i'm that important. i feel like if i was gone tomorrow, nothing would change in life. yeah my parents would be sad (which is why i promised myself i wouldn't commit suicide) but i feel like all of my other friends wouldnt even notice me gone.. they would probably be happy to have me gone because i cause so much drama. but the thing is.. i dont purposely try to cause drama... it just happens...
another thing- sometimes i realize that i cause drama, and i back off. i try to fix it by backing off and just letting things happen naturally. but everytime i do that i get b*tched at by other people because i'm not "giving effort in life". its like- if i try in life, everything just gets worse. but if i dont try- people think i'm lazy and dont care.
i really dont know what to do anymore.. i'm losing control of my life and i'm hurting people that mean so much to me (unintentionally). how do i get back on track and just start over? or make myself feel better? just please... any type of advice? i know this is probably very long and you might feel annoyed and not want to answer.. but even if its just a small answer, i will be grateful for anyone who is listening right now.. i'm just so upset with my life and i want to change but everytime i try to change, it just gets worse. please help :(
