Member Since: March 7, 2010
Answers: 69
Last Update: April 17, 2010
Visitors: 4661
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I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year in total, although we took a long break during the summer and fall of last year. We have been going strong again since the new year 2010. The way we got back together was all him. He told me he couldnt live without me and he changed since we last were together. And he has changed. Because of past relationships he was very closed and at the sign of the very first fight he would call it quits. I'm the longest relationship hes had. I love him, and he loves me, or so he says. For the first two months it was bliss. He was the sweetest most amazing boyfriend in the world. He built up all these expectations in my head. But after that? Nothing.
It's like either he doesnt love me anymore or he forgot how to show it. I dont understand why, but now hes getting to a point of not even being considerate of me. Like last night, one of his friends came from out of town and he told me hed go to dinner with him and his friends. I said okay no prob, and he said hed call to let me know what was up later. I went to sleep eventually and he calls at 4 in the morning saying hed been bar hopping and drinking and if he could crash at my place since his house is much farther. Naturally I didnt want him drinking and driving so i said okay. but i was very uneasy about the whole thing especially since he wanted us to always tell each other what we are doing at all times so we dont worry. He gets mad at me for only telling him hours in advance that I was going out with friends instead of days in advance. Then he does things like that. I told him i didnt like it and he apologized which is fine but I mean its just things like that and the fact that he used to talk to me everyday and send sweet messages and bring flowers and tell me really sweet things, and now its like im on a low maintenance plan, only doing things he thinks he has to for me not to be upset.
I asked him what was wrong and he said he was cautious because he's never been in a relationship like this before and he feels like itl end any minute. I have endured a lot with him and helped him get over his issues and I'm still here, and I assured him I'm not going anywhere, but it doesnt seem to make a difference. He's still inconsiderate and selfish. How can I help him be sweeter without flat out telling him? I tried that and it hasnt worked... I'm not happy like this anymore and I feel like i deserve more effort from him :/ it really makes me feel like he doesnt care about me anymore, although he swears he does...
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a male perspective: you said this was his first long relationship and he was closed off, which signals to be that he is not a great communicator. although "talking things through" is therapeutic in some circumstances and for some people, it also can be very frustrating for him if from his perspective all it entails is a litany of your complaints about his behavior.
Every relationship starts out like a honeymoon, nirvana, etc. Then the real world hits and each person starts noticing the human foibles each has that seems either absent or adorable at first. Modifying your expectations might be in order.
Having said the above, if you are not happy and he is afraid the relationship will end any minute, maybe the two of you need a break for a while. this can reignite the spark so to speak or can also give both of you an idea of what being apart would mean for both of you.
Finally, if he is going out drinking to oblivion on a routine basis, you may have latched onto an alcoholic, which nobody deserves. Even if he does this only occasionally, you will have to decide whether putting up with the outrageous behavior that most drunks exhibit is worth it to you. If he has a true alcohol problem, then you are in for an awful lot of work for little reward.
I may have read way too much into your note, but from a male's perspective, I would say if you are expecting prince charming there are not too many guys that can meet such a fantasy, so you are going to be continually disappointed. If he is emotionally closed off, there is likely a good and deep seated reason for that which you are not going to change. Pointing out behavior that is unacceptable to you is perfectly reasonable. You deserve basic respect. If he continues to display behavior that indicates he is not willing give you basic respect, then the relationship is on rocky footing.
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