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Q: 20/F

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We have two very close friends who have been dating for a while. We go to parties at their house fairly often. When I get drunk, I'm very open, and I have showed my boobs a few times (I know it's bad). The thing is, I do these things because I was raped, and in a weird way it makes me feel like I have control again. It's hard to understand unless you've been through the same thing.

Anyway, my boyfriend was cool with that, but lately my male friend has been asking to see them A LOT. Him and his girlfriend are in a very open relationship, so she doesn't care. Lately, though, he'll walk up without asking in the middle of a room full of people at the party and pull my shirt and bra down. He always pulls me on his lap and says that if I wasn't with my boyfriend, him and his girl would have been all over me and that if me and my boyfriend break up I better come to them first. I know this is all my fault because I laugh when I'm nervous and I have a problem saying no, but it's starting to bother both me and my boyfriend. The last time we were at a party, I was so drunk I could barely walk and I was walking to the couch and he grabbed me, pushed my head down, and acted like he was having sex with me. I would try to talk to him about this, but he's a big guy, very short tempered, and has a house full of guns and weapons. The last time a girl told him she wasn't okay with the way he acts, he got really upset, so I'm really afraid to say anything. The thing is, he knows I was raped, so I don't understand why he acts like this sometimes.

I know it's my fault, you don't have to tell me that, but is there any way I can ask him to stop without him getting mad? He takes everything to heart, and if I said I'm uncomfortable with it, it would be pretty bad.

Hello.

Listen to me. "Don't Ever EVER blame yourself."
I don't care if you showed breasts once. That does NOT give you him the right to touch you. Ever.
I don't know what you went through when you were raped, But I think the only way to get control is to STOP going over there. I know you want to stay in control but getting drunk is like the exact opposite. The ONLY way to stay in control is don't go over there. This guy sounds dangerous and explosive. A very bad combination. He knows your history and still doesn't mind taking advantage of you. He's trouble. No there is no way you can ask a volatile creep to stop sexually assaulting you. For your own safety stay far far away from him.
Also I think maybe you should see a counselor about your issues. Research counselors in your area. Some of them may be free.You can also join a support group in your area. Or you can call a hotline where you can discuss it with someone. It sounds to me like you have a lot of residual issues over what happened. Sometimes talking to someone about your issues with control can help.

Here are some links.
http://rapecrisis.com/services-counseling.php
http://www.rainn.org/

Here you can talk to people and there is a search bar to find counseling centers in you area.

I just read the additional info you wrote about him being okay hitting a girl. I reiterate, he's a MONSTER! DON'T LET HIM NEAR YOU.

Rating: 5

Wow, thank you so much. I really appreciate this. You're probably right, if he doesn't care to do these things, then asking him to stop probably isn't going to work. Again, thank you.

bio

I'm Celeste. I'm really good at helping people and I give great advice. Otherwise I wouldn't be here.
So if you need any help, just ask. If you wouldn't like to post your question here. Contact me with your question by email. I'm always checking my email so I'll be sure to get back to you. I'm very serious about the advice I give. I abhor people who give random unhelpful responses. So if you ask me a question I'll be sure to give you an answer that's relevant.

-Celeste-