Hi, my name is Charlotte, and I'm a 25 year old, college graduate. I really enjoy helping people out with anything I can because I know we've all got questions that need answers! I'm available anytime for your questions, and if you need any other kind of help, pick-me-ups or just a little understanding, I have a blog:
http://shrinkingmentals.blogspot.com/
Check it out or direct your questions to me and I'll do my best to help shed a lil light!
-Charlotte
Website: Therapy For Free: Because Shrinks Cost Too Much
E-mail: such.sweet.decorum@gmail.com
Gender: Female
Location: The United States of America
Age: 25
Member Since: December 17, 2009
Answers: 44
Last Update: January 12, 2010
Visitors: 4537
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15/f
*sigh* sorry if it's long, I'll try to make it brief.
Okay, so last summer the love of my life died. He was the best b/f ever and I knew I wanted to marry him and spend forever and more with him. The thought tragically ended when he was hit by a drunk driver--he didn't even make it too the hospital :'( . Ever since then, I have not been able to have feelings (like a crush) for any guy at my school. I know at least two guys that like me, and they are really great but my mind keeps picking at the things that annoy me about them and I just can't have feelings back.
Well, I haven't had any crush or any feeling at all since September--until now. I'm starting to like one of my guy friends and I think he kind of likes me. The problem is, whenever we get close or make physical contact I feel this terrible guilt. It's like a stabbing pain and I can't get past it. I want to be able to form a relationship but everytime I get close or even think about my friend I feel like I'm commiting murder or something. It's so bad it has come to the point where I burst out crying when he hugged me. I can't control it. I don't know what to do. Please help. (link)
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First of all, I am sorry for your loss. It is quite hard to begin healing after someone close to you has died.
Secondly, you are still grieving over that loss, which is perfectly normal. Everyone goes though the stages of grieving at different paces.
It seems to me that you are still in the depression stage. This is not to necessarily say that you are clinically depressed. For what you said, you feel guilty for moving on in your life when you remember your feelings for the loved one who died. It makes you sad to remember those times and you personalize the situation as if your friend is watching you and can see you moving on and you feel guilty.
There is nothing wrong with this. But I am proud of you for WANTING to move on.
First of all, I personally don't think that you are ready for a relationship. You are still grieving and how can you give attention to another person if you are still grieving? You should let the process of healing run its course and if your new potential relationship really cares for you, they will understand and be a friend. However, I think it is too soon for you to be IN a relationship just yet.
You are not betraying your friend by wanting to be in another relationship. That friend would want you to be happy and healthy. They would not want to see you sad and lonely.
The best thing is to talk to someone, like a professional. Even if it's just for a bit, it will help move you along the process of healing and the stages of grief until you reach acceptance, which means you understand that you have to move on and you will be MENTALLY READY to move on. You have understood that you must move on, and you want to, but you aren't ready just yet, and a professional counselor will definitely get you there.
Until you are healed, it is not a good idea to be in a relationship, as the strain of being with someone else will inhibit your progress. This is not to be crass or mean, but it is the truth. A true and healthy relationship is one where both individuals are committed to each other and can share the joy and comfort of the relationship. If you are still grieving and cannot fully enjoy the relationship, and he is giving all he can, it will put a strain on the happiness of your relationship. Hopefully he will understand that you need more time. If he can wait, that is good, but I wouldn't date him until you are through your grieving. It is not fair to either of you to not be 100% committed to each other. Besides, how happy would you be if you couldn't give him all your wonderful, happy self?
Yes, a professional would be the best way to go. Find a grief counselor and they will help you continue your healing process.
I hope this helps and I hope it all works out for you.
-Charlotte
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