Q: Okay, deep breaths as I type this out.
It's very long, but I felt I needed to give all the facts.
16/f
I'd been best friends with this guy since we were seven. We were crazy close. We'd talk about anything and everything, always be around each other, it got to the point where when I went someplace without him, I felt like I was forgetting something. And people would always ask whenever I got somewhere "Hey, where's John?"
Well, you know how things go. We were so connected to each other on a level much deeper than anything you hear teens talking about, that pretty soon we fell in love and crossed that line. And then we REALLY were inseparable. It was so easy, everything was easy. And I loved him. God I loved him so much.
Last year though, everything changed. One of my friends got into a little bit of trouble, and ended up pulling me down with her, not intentionally. She got wasted at a party and didn't want to call her parents, and so she called me. I went to pick her up even though I was only on my permit which was stupid of me, and we got pulled over by the police because I was driving a little fast. He saw my friend, and he also saw an open bottle of beer in her hand. The final blow was when he went to check my license.
I live in a small town: word gets around. And the rumors twist out of control. John's father heard about this mess, but he heard it as: I had been drinking and driving, and I was totally wasted that night, going for a reckless joyride around town. Which was not the case.
I told John the truth and I told his dad the truth, but his dad wouldn't listen to me. His dad has never really liked me for some reason. I was thinking it was because I always had pulled away his son from him, you know, because John spent so much time with me. =\
His dad is a very religious person, very moral and stuff. He doesn't drink or smoke and since his wife died I don't even think he's had sex. And he doesn't ever want John to drink or smoke or any of that stuff either. So upon hearing about that misunderstanding of mine, he forbade John to see me anymore.
You can imagine how devastated I was. I'm barred from seeing John, the guy I'm in love with, my soulmate. I was in such misery, and when I'd be in misery, I'd talk to John. But he wasn't allowed.
But the real hurt came about a week after his father laid down the law, saying I was a bad influence. I caught John at the grocery store downtown and I walked up to him to give him a hug and just have a moment with him, because there were no parents around. But he just looked at me, blankly and turned and walked away before I could reach him. There was no hurt in his eyes or anything. Just a blank stare, nothing like the way he used to look at me.
Another two weeks passed and he had been on a few dates with this girl from our church, well his church now. I don't go to church anymore.
It's been about a year since I've spoken to him, and the only time I ever see him is glimpses of him around town. And we've drifted so far away that sometimes I can't even remember what it was that made us so close.
Okay, deep breaths.
Saturday when I got home from school I had a message waiting for me. It was a friend of mine telling me know that John had been involved in a really bad car accident. He'd damaged his spinal chord and he probably won't be able to walk anymore.
You know that feeling when the world comes to a stop? Here's this boy, my first love who at one point in my life I couldn't breathe without, and now all of a sudden he's hurt, really hurt. And I just can't wrap my mind around it.
It's been so long since we talked. And I'd finally moved on from him, stopped hating him, but never started loving him again. He hadn't even crossed my mind in a month or so. And the whole 10 months I spent trying to get over him, I was thinking about how much I hated him for killing me inside. How much I wanted him to hurt. How much I just wanted to get even with the way he broke me. Did I do this to him? My first thought.
I haven't been able to concentrate all week. I'm sick with grief and fear about what might happen to him. What did happen to him. I can't wrap my mind around it and I'm feeling so confused.
My mind keeps telling me that this is a person who hurt you and the warning flag goes up and says, "You shouldn't hurt this much. Yes, it's bad that he got hurt, but you don't even know him anymore. So just relax, pray and push through."
Then the other side of it, my heart is telling me that old feelings never go away and it's okay to suddenly know that the connection is still there. There's so much running through my mind right now that I can't sort through. It's too heavy. All of it is just way too heavy.
I'm in shock, and I'm being selfish I know I am because here's John, hurt in a hospital bed, and I'll I can think of his my pain and grief.
My friend is taking me to visit him on Sunday. We haven't seen each other in so long, and all that deep history between us...I don't know what to say to him or what to do.
What do you say to a person in this position who once meant everything to you? I don't know what and I don't know how to process all these feelings.
Please, advice. Of any kind.
