Basically, when I was in fifth grade I began self mutilation. It's been on and off ever since then. I'm a sophmore now. When I was in sixth grade I was at my worst, I cut every day. I cut over everything, anything that somewhat upset me. Eventually one of my friends found out, told everyone and someone went to my school guidance office and they then called my parents and what not. My parents would try, they truly would. They put me in counseling but I just could not open up to them because I truly have no trust in those people.
In seventh grade, I barely ever cut. I think I did maybe about, 5 times at most. In the summer going into eighth grade I cut myself one time. During the school year I didn't cut a single time, but I did however get involved with smoking weed. Only on occasion however. Once or twice, not too bad I guess. During January of this year (2008) I was sent to the hospital for OD'ing. Suicide has always been in the picture, since the beginning of cutting.. I have had numerous attempts at suicide. But for the first time, my parents actually took notice and I spent the night in the hospital.
In ninth grade, I attempted to OD I believe twice, but I didn't let anyone know. I just wanted out. I'm no longer suicidal, in fact death scares the shit out of me. But I have begun cutting again.
I don't want to get help from strangers, my parents, friends or family. I want to get better myself because each time I would receive help from someone else, it did nothing. That last time I cut myself before I fell back into the habit was the summer of eighth grade, going into ninth. The last time cutting since I've fallen back in, less than an hour ago.
I can't help it, I truly don't know what to do. I need to stop, and I recognize that. Self mutilation doesn't solve anything, it makes things harder. I know the first step is to admit, blah blah blah. But that's not true. I need to stop, and I need to now. But I can guarantee if I don't get some sort of ways to not do it, it's going to keep happening.
I admire you so much. Some people don't know when the need to stop and when they do it's to late. Doing it alone is kinda hard. I know from some of my expierinces. So what I did was wrote to myself in my journal whenever I felt it was neccasery. Not every day cause that was lame haha but after I wrote it I tore it up so that I didn't have to remmber it again.
Lillian
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(Rating: 5)
i've been trying that, thank you.
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