Hello, call me Abby =] I'm eighteen and a senior in high school this year. I've always had great advice, I'm just not so great at following it =P Feel free to ask me anything, I'll do my best to give you an answer.
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Age: 18
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Thats right, you read it. I found my dad (who is married-but its a complicated relationship with him and my mom) on a dating site.
he has two children, me (16) and my older sister (21). Hes been married for many years. him (53) and my mom (48) (i dont exactly know how long theyve been married, but its up there).
Lets start out with the relationship between him and my mom-they went to vegas together a long time ago.. maybe 4 years ago or more, my dad left before my mom and my mom left a day after him because she had work, my mom was only going for the weekend so she had to leave sunday night, as she was leaving she asked my mom to leave with her, my dad still had 3 more days there (he went with his sister, his sisters husband, and his brother) my dad said no because he still had two more nights left and a whole day. he never gets to see his sister brother and his sisters husband that much and he was having so much fun, and this is his only time off. (he owns a store about 2 hours away from my house so you can only imagine his hours, and the amount of work he still does at home). my mom begged him to come with her, she still said no. she got extremely pissed off and didnt kiss him bye.
i remember my mom coming home that night all mad, throwing her bags into her room and throwing her dirty clothes into the laundry room. i remember she wouldnt tell my sister and i how her trip was. she was being a huge bitch.
my dad gets home 3 days later, he went to my mom to say hello to her and she screamed at him.
since that day, our family has never been the same. we used to all be together on every holiday, that hasnt happened since. my mom doesnt allow my dad to sit at the table for christmas dinner, my birthday dinners are extemely awkward because they dont talk. its getting to the point where i dont wanna talk to my mom anymore because shes holding a stupid grudge.
their still married, but dont wear their rings. so i guess you can call it complicated? all they do is fight now.
so yesterday, my laptop wasnt turning on for some reason and i had to get someones phone number, i went downstairs to see if my dads laptop was on or didnt have a password, wednesdays are his only days off.. i go to his computer, its on, he had AOL open, i clicked on internet explorer... and a page came up.. "tagged.com" and his name, with an account, he didnt log out of close the window. he was out for a while and he didnt tell me where he was going.
me, being a curious person as i am, went through it. i saw him mesasging girls, calling them cute. i went through his email, i saw him talking to alot of people on there.
alright daddy, i understand that your relationship with mom is fucked up, but when you told my sister and i about you and mom fighting, we were extremely upset. shouldnt you consider how upset we would be if we found out about this dating site your on? one way or another we would find out....
i honestly think im beginning to hate him. i understand my dad pays for ALL the bills in the house, and my mom only pays her american express bill, my sister and i appreciate him for that, he even hands us money when we ask for it. but doing this? wow.
he has dozens of girls as his friends, he writes on the pics calling them cute, etc. i dont wanna even know what else.
me being the bitch i am, i made a fake "tagged" account. i got a hott girls picture off google. i added my dad as a friend. ...he sent me a message "hey sexy, how are you?" he sent me "luv" and a "wink". i got so grossed out that i cancelled the account.
in his about me, he didnt even mention he has two kids. his relatinosihp status says "its complicated", in his dreams he wants "to live life to the fullest because you dont know when your life will be over".
i wanna say something to him, but i dont have that great of a relationship with him. hed be extremely embarrassed. but he has it coming at him.. you know?
what should i do? i cant even look at him without thinking about how much of an asshole he is.. im beginning to hate him.
HELP (link)
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Your mother and your father's relationship is theirs to work out, not your problem. I know you want them to have a happy life together, but it might not be meant to be. Really, this isn't a place for meddling. You could tell your mother about the site but that's all the interference I see appropiate.
Your father's behavior may seem odd, but think about it. He's a man, and he isn't happy with his marriage. As a woman you probably like having fun and interactiong with men and flirting. How do you think your dad had you? He's human after all. Don't lose respect for him because he's trying to find some happiness.
You can help or you can just be another roadblock. Being angry and causing more arguments is not helping. Suggest couples therapy to your parents. If you told them how much it would mean to you and your sister sincerely, I think they might consider it.
If you aren't comfortable with your dad talking about the dating site, you could write him a letter about how his relationship with your mom is hurting you and you just want things to be better. Communication is key. You can't not talk and then have sudden arguments and go back to not talking. Too many things are left unsaid. It builds up.
Your father isn't an asshole, and it's disrespectful to call him that. Like you said, he takes care of you, and he also loves you. You live under his roof, so you really can't criticise his life.
I know you want things resolved and that is noble, so try to be mature and help instead of harm. And if the marriage can't be saved, let it go. They can work on a friendship or partnership as single parents. Do you want to waste the years with your family in this way? Cherish the time you have and find a way to make the most of it.
Good luck,
-Abby
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