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15/f
this is a VERY long story, but im gonna try to lay this out as short as possible and please, im desperate here, you have NO clue what i've been through these past few months, and i need all the help i can get..

last year i met a REALLY sensative guy. he was 16, about to be 17, and i was 14.. he was soooo shy, hes VERY insecure. when we first started dating, all he said to me was how i saved him and pulled him out of his misery because he has had no luck with relationships and was treated like shit by girls his whole life. hes not even that cute and popular, and i have a waaay higher social status in my grade/ school then he does in his grade.. but ive been known to have wierd taste and i can look beyond looks and things like that very easily. i think when we first started dating him i was just excited over the fact that he had a car and he was a junior and i was only a freshmen.. but i actually did end up falling in love with him. and he was COMPLETELY in love with me. we lost our virginities to eachother and ill tell you, im smart, and not at all a bit naiive.. i knew this kid loved me. & we did NOT have a sex based relationship whatsoever.. we became eachothers best friends. both of us lost all of our other friends because we were only with eachother 24-7. he called my mom 'mom' and i did the same with his mom.. we were incredibly close.. and sense he was older, i felt so comftorbal and secure with him, and i went to him with all my problems, and he would help me.. ive been suffering from depression for years and me and my mother never had a good relationship, and my father left me, and i was molested as a baby.. but when i was with him, he made me feel so comftorbal. we told eachother EVERYTHING. and i was postive he was there to stay. he promised me forever every single day. we dated for a year. i messed it up, biggest mistake of my entire life.. he started getting very annoying and up my ass. you know when youre in a bad mood and you just want to be left alone? well he would never leave me alone. he'd be like 'its okay babe i love you' bla bla. all mushy, when i just want to be mad!. i tried talking to him about this many times and all he could say was im sorry i just love you soooo much i cant help it.. all my friends called him whipped cream and everything.. it was BAD. but anyways, one night i was out with my friends the day before a cheer competition, and my ex was there.. and somewhere along the lines, we kissed.. my boyfriends friend was there and told him that if i didnt tell him, he was going to.. i knew he wasnt going to break up with me or anything.. so i told him.. but the thing is.. i think i was looking for a fight with him because our relationship was so boring. when i told him, it pissed me off how he was crying instead of being mad, yelling at me. so i started saying things to make him mad.. i said TERRIBLE things. like i was gonna keep cheating on him because he basically lets me, and how i know i take advantage of him because he trusts me so much but i shouldnt.. and he was like well maybe i have to break up with you then.. and he was like i really dont want to. and i was like fine just do it idont care! yelling at him and stuff.. and then he did. i was thinking we would get back together in a couple weeks.. so after we broke up, we still talked because we obv. still loved eachother and everything. we acted like we were going out, and we even 'hooked up' a few times.. but when he asked me back out, i kept saying no, i wasnt ready.. because the relationship was SOOO akward after we broke up.. he was acting so different. and i knew why. it was because i broke his heart. and i did, bad. so one day after we hooked up, my friend told me that her brother saw my 'boyfriend, x-boyfriend, whatever u wanna call him' at a store.. and he was saying how he was done with me and he was trying to get with this new girl 'leesh'.. i was FURIOUS. i called him up screaming at him asking for all my stuff back and it was over for good and everything. but really, i wanted an appology from him, not my stuff back. btw, i was very remorsful for cheating on him and saying what i said to him, i mustve appologized a million times.. but he didnt say anything, he justgave me all my stuff back and acted like it was nothing.. and then i kept trying to get him back, but he kept rejecting me. i was litterally down on my knees for this kid. until one day i found out he had a girlfriend. not just some girl.. the girl who dates ALL the boys that i date after me.. but thats a whole nother story.. anyways, i was devistated. i couldnt eat, i couldnt talk, i couldnt sleep, i couldnt go to school,, nothing. all i did was cry and cry and cry and cry. i tried talking to him seeing if we could be friends and stuff, but he hates me now. if i send him one text, he shuts his phone off. he goes all different ways in the halls so i dont have to see him in school, he wont even look my way. he saw me practically drown in my own tears and he didnt even care. i wrote him long long letters, i tried everything i could just to be able to talk to him when i need to, so i wouldnt be so hurt about the situation.. now, i have two weeks left of school and im failing 4 classes.. and im an honors student. i DONT fail. its not me. and im grounded because of it, so i cant even go out and try to forget it. its been sense thhe end of february... and still,all i can think about is killing myself.. people say they are heart broken.. but this gives heart broken a new definition. there is litterally a hole in my chest. and i keep getting maaaassive anxiety attacks in class, and i do go to counceling wich is sort of helpful but we mostly talk about my parents.. three days ago, she broke up with him. and he was very upset from what i heard.. he hasnt tried talking to me or anything but i dont know what to do, i want to talk to him but he'll just ignore me.. i love this kid and care about him with my life. today i thought i was going to DIE. it was the last day of school for the seniors. the last time ill EVER see him again. the last time ill ever get to look for him i the halls so i can walk by him.. that was the only time i ever got to see him, and today was my last day. and when i walked by him for the very last time of my life today, he didnt even look at me. it was so painful. he couldnt even have the heart to say bye to me considering im his first love and helll never see me again. i havent been able to stop crying sense i last saw him. i dont even know what to do with my life any more. someone PLEEEEEASE tell me what to do to get him back. ANNYTHING. I AM DESPERATE FOR HELP. we had such a good relationship till i cheated and we Never ever had one fight. but you dont even understand. this kid wouldnt even look at any other girls, deleted all the girls in his phone book, couldnt go an hour without texting me just saying he loved me, couldnt go a day withouth seeing me, brought me flowers randomly, did EVERYTHING for me. how can you love someone so much and go through everything we've been through together, and then just completely shut them out of your life?

I want to start off by saying a few things. Im very sorry for everything you have been through and that you are still going through. People make mistakes. Its human nature. And all the people who are critisizing you for it probably need to take a look in the mirror themselves. So dont listen to them. You have gotten an overwhelming amount of responses and may not even really be reading them any more. But I really hope you read mine because I have been through a situation very similar to yours and I made it through. And I want to tell you my story.

When I was 14 (Im now 21) I started dating a 15 year old boy who also happened to be my best friend. He was amazing. He would do anything and everything for me. He loved me more than he loved him self and I was perfect in his eyes. And I loved him very much too. We were extremely close. We both dropped all of our friends because he said we didnt need anyone but each other. So we spent all day everyday either with each other or talking. About a year into it I got bored, just like you did. I didnt want to lose him but I wanted to experience other things. And I started cheating on him. It was mostly just kissing a few other guys here and there but I actually did go all the way with one other guy. He never knew about it and still doesnt till this day. I stayed with him because he was all I knew and I loved him. We stayed together for a total of 3 years without breaking up once. About a month after our 3 month anniversary I started developing feelings for a coworker of mine. He was 22 and I was 17 at the time. He was very different from my boyfriend. He was older and he was the type of guy that every girl wanted and I was so flattered that he was interested in me. We started hanging out and about the 2nd time we hung out we ended up having sex. My feelings for him grew stronger and we started talking about me leaving my boyfriend and us being together. I was very skeptical because my boyfriend was all I knew and I loved him. He was my safety net. I eventually told my boyfriend of my feelings for the other guy. I didnt tell him we hung out or hooked up but just that I had feelings and was confused and needed time. My boyfriend started doing everything he could think of to get me back. He would show up at work with flowers, bought me a ring, write me letters, leave me amazingly sweet voicemails, but for some reason I couldnt get the other guy on my mind. It was like when I was with my boyfriend I was totally in love with him. But when I was with the other guy I had crazy feelings for him. I ended up going with the other guy but not completely cutting ties with my boyfriend. I played games with him for about 6 months after we broke up. I didnt do it intentionally and I didnt realize what I was doing but now I do. I would pop up out of the blue and tell him I loved him and wanted him. And whenever I would hear he was talking to another girl I would show up at his job and tell him he was who I wanted ( and I did mean it at the time) but then a few days later I would say no I wanna be with Dave (the other guy). I did so much reeeaaaallllyyyy messed up sutff to ghim that Im not even gonna get into but I was heartless to him. I didnt realize it but I was. After about 6 months of putting up with my bullshit he finally said its me or him and thats it. I picked the other guy. I still remember our "goodbye" like it was yesterday. He said he would always have a special place in his heart for me and he knew I would look amazing at prom(my prom was in a few weeks) and he hoped I end up happy. And to this day it brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. After that I was ok for a few weeks. But then I got terribly depressed. I missed him more than I could even put into words, even tho I had this other guy. I started basically stalking him. I would chase him through town just to see him. I would call him all the time with my number blocked just to hear his voice. I would send him emails everyday, even tho he never replied, just to tell him how my day was. It all ended when I drove past his house one night and he was standing outside and I looked in my rearview mirror and he was standing in the middle of the road waving me back and I got super excited so I backed up and he basically screamed in my face and told me I was dead to him and to leave him alone. So I did. Me and the other guy were together for almost a year and then we broke up. I started college at the same place where my ex went and it all started again. I started texting him again, having my friends ttry to talk to him for me. Looking for him all over campus, but still he did not respond to my attempts. So I basically gave up. To this day, I still love him and I always will. And I am currently in another realionship which I have been in for 2 years now. But it doesnt change my feelings for my first true love. He still holds my heart. And tho I havent talked to him in years, I still feel a connection with him. I still cry over him. I still look at his pictures. I still even try to call his old number every once in a while to see if he will answer.

It took a lot of time, accepting, and learning to love myself to heal as much of my heart that could heal, but I got through it. And you will too. Believe me, I know how much it hurts emotionally and physically. I cried millions and millions of tears. I tried taking pills to drown the pain. But none of that will truly help. You have to just come to terms with it and have faith that whats meant to be will be. Cory (the boy Ive been talking about) is still an option in my mind. I still wonder about us getting back together even tho we havent talked in years. But if we dont, im finally okay with that. It takes time sweetheart, but eventually you will be okay, just like I am. You have made mistakes, but thats ok. Your human, just like everyone else. Have faith in yourself.

I wish you the absolute best and you are in my prayers. I hope you will email me anytime and I would be more than happy to talk. Stay strong.

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(Rating: 5) thank you soo much. i like to hear other peoples stories it makes me feel better knowing that im not the only one, although i know im not, i just like to hear it ya knoww?. but thank you i really appriciate that you would actually read that whole thing and try and help(:
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