I am a wife and a mother of three grown sons. I live in New York and am an equestrian. Most of my free time is spent riding and caring for my horses now that my sons are out of the house.
I give down to earth advice, as I tell it like I see it...and I've seen alot.
Gender: Female
Location: New York
Member Since: January 17, 2009
Answers: 281
Last Update: September 11, 2011
Visitors: 19466
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Hello,
I'm a 26-year-old male. I'm 5'5" and weigh 300 pounds. I live at home with my parents and I have no job. My daily activities consist primarily of eating, sleeping and smoking cigars. My hygiene is terrible. I shower maybe twice a week, brush my teeth once a month, don't shave and my wardrobe consists of a t-shirt with food stains, a pair of mesh shorts and sneakers with holes in them.
I wasn't always this way. While I was never Mr. confident, I was able to participate in a variety of activities growing up. As a kid, I took swimming lessons, trumpet lessons and played several hours of basketball a day. In high school, I acted in eighteen theater productions and was a member of the football and bowling teams. I was a good student and upon graduating, I enrolled at the University of Maryland at College Park.
I wasn't overly excited about continuing my education at college, however. I didn't apply to any schools until my father really got on me about it, screaming at the top of his lungs. I guess I wanted to take a year off to consider my options. I also wanted to try my hand at being a professional actor. Though it's a tough business to break into, I know people that did and I was quite good at it. It had become my passion. Looking back, I suppose I should have gotten a part-time job, tried my hand at acting and if need be, go to college later.
Instead, I went to college right away. Despite being part of some high school activities, I am rather shy (ironic, given my ability to perform on stage) and I never really made too many friends. I had some trouble with the roommates I was assigned as well and returned home following my first semester 55 pounds heavier.
I lost the weight when I developed a crush on this girl. The weight loss was unintentional. I just got so nervous thinking about her, I couldn't eat. I allowed this crush to go on too long without making my feelings known. Rather than get to know her better, my mind started imagining what she'd be like (all things I'd like of course!) and so my crush deepened. I was drawn to her confidence, something I lacked. I was so lonely and lost, perhaps I was looking to her to save me.
Needing to pick a major, I chose Marketing. I didn't really know much about it. It's just that the business school was well-respected and I was also steered toward it by my parents as well. The truth is, I didn't know what I wanted to do or be. I was supposed to figure it out those first two years and I never did.
In 2003 I suffered a mental breakdown. Over time, I had become increasingly bitter and angry. I began hating people. Then one day, feeling very angry and lonely, I snapped. I proceeded to fall apart in a very bad way. I began smoking cigarettes and cigars. I stopped going to class, stopped studying. The friends I had abandoned me. And so, it got to a point where I never left my apartment. I ordered food to be delivered three to four times a day, all junk, including a pint of Ben & Jerry's just about every night. I sat on the couch and smoked a pack and a half a day, leaving the butts on the ground outside on the balcony. It got to a point where there were so many cigarette butts on the floor, they doubled as carpeting.
I also developed several phobias, including a germ phobia. I couldn't open doors with my hand. Whenever someone sneezed, I'd hold my breath until I could leave the area. As a kid, I was always a bit obsessive-compulsive (e.g., having to name everything object in the room before I could watch TV) but this breakdown made it all worse.
I was living to die basically. I am not a religious person and so I didn't have religion to hang on to. I began asking why. Why am I here? What is the point? I figured that whatever I do doesn't matter because in the end I will die. Even if I impact someone else's life along the way, in the end, they will die. So, is life simply about packing in as much fun as you can before your time is up? What if you're like me and you no longer enjoy doing things? I wished I was dead. I knew I couldn't take my own life and so I focused on how sad I was that I had been born in the first place.
I beat up a 13-year-old kid who was successfully ripping into me with an onslaught of digs and insults. I was so determined not be bullied, not to take shit from anyone that I lost control. On several occasions, I lashed out at one of my teachers because we didn't see eye to eye.
There was some thought that perhaps my inability to avoid being overcome with this uncontrollable rage might be a result of two concussions that I suffered, one in high school and one in college. It could also explain why my OCD and mild depressive moods that I had as a kid got worse.
(As a kid, I ran away from home a lot and also begged my dad to kill me)
Moving on...
Returning home with a college degree after seven years of going at it, I couldn't land a job. I had a marketing degree but it turns out I didn't really like marketing and my major GPA was terrible anyway. I tried getting a job as a reinsurance accountant because I interned as one and its what my dad does but the lack of an accounting degree proved problematic. Though it's not supposed to factor into their decision, I would not be surprised if my weight also kept me from being hired.
So, here's the thing:
1) I don't know what I can do for a living
2) I don't enjoy very many activities
3) I'm not really interested in the American dream lifestyle
4) I can't afford to see a mental health professional
5) I'm unable to go to crowded places (i.e., the mall, the movies)
6) I'm too afraid to work with strangers
7) I have no friends
8) I'm slowly killing myself with tobacco, over eating and lack of activity
9) I can't let go of the past and stop regretting all of my mistakes
10) I have no work history to put on a resume
11) I've overwhelmed with guilt and feelings of worthlessness
12) I lack something I want, something I can use as motivation
I figure my time is running out. I'll either die from cancer or a heart attack. I certainly allowed myself to have many cavities and receding gums. This may be my last chance.
I need suggestions. I need ideas for what I can do as a start. How do I make a fresh start? Heh, can I give myself amnesia so all the problems go away?
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I am a Christian so my advice will be in that direction.
Maybe it's time to start seeking God. You will always have a void in your life if you leave out the most important One, and the only One, that can fill that void. Once that void is filled, everything else starts to fall in place. On the other hand, if that void is not filled, then there will always be a certain emptiness.
Things in your life have definitely spiraled out of your control. One thing just leads to another and another and another. Taken one at a time, these things can be dealt with, but, if left unattended, they take on a life of their own.
My advice would be to start seeking God. I don't know if you are a Christian, Jew or what, but I would personally, read the Bible. Before reading, I would pray for God's guidance through His word and ask for a revelation of the truth. Then read. I can testify to the fact that God does answer pray and He does help those who seek his help. He will direct you and get you out of this mess you're in.
I would also force myself to get out and take a walk anytime you feel you are falling into the same old routine. A walk in the sunshine helps ward off depression. Everything is worse at night and on gloomy days without sunshine. Take advantage of those nice days and just get out! Take longer and longer walks as the days go by.
When you get up in the morning FORCE yourself to jump directly into the shower! Brush your teeth before you lose them all! Change the linens on your bed! Hard boil an 2 eggs for breakfast and then GET OUTSIDE! This will also help you lose weight, but don't make that your goal. You must start somewhere and the easiest way to start is with the simplest things.
You feel very bad about yourself because you've let things go to the point where everything in your life looks dire. As a Christian, I feel the devil has you exactly where he wants you, but the fact that you are reaching out for help tells me that God has other plans and has put in your heart the desire to keep going and seek out the help you need. He put that desire in you, therefore, He has plans for you. Seek Him. This could be big.
UPDATE: You did not say you were an atheist. You simply said that you were not a religious person and did not have a religion to hang on to.
Obviously, you will have to take some steps to help yourself. You recognize the problem, but that isn't good enough. You must take a first step, with or without God. Talk to your doctor and ask where you can get free help. You may be able to get free meds. There is no magic bullet.
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Thanks for answering my question. However, your advice to simply "force" myself is unlikely to work. If I could simply will myself to do things, I would have. I have tried many times over the past six years. My state of mind prevents me from making any significant progress. Psychology texts will tell you that you do not tell a depressed person to simply snap out of it and that seems to be your advice here. Also, your answer is very preachy, and since I made sure to indicate that I am atheist, your answer is not only useless in that regard but a bit pushy. As I am not here to convince you that God does not exist, you should not offer Him up as a solution to my problems. I understand that if you are a believer, this may be the only solution you see. If that's the case, you shouldn't have answered my question. Nevertheless, it does help to know that people are out there who care enough to write and offer a solution. I am sorry I did not receive it better.
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