All advice is an opinion. I'll give you my honest opinion based on what information you give me.
Gender: Female
Location: Oklahoma
Occupation: student
Age: 21
Member Since: March 24, 2009
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Last Update: June 15, 2009
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Hello,
I'm a 26-year-old male. I'm 5'5" and weigh 300 pounds. I live at home with my parents and I have no job. My daily activities consist primarily of eating, sleeping and smoking cigars. My hygiene is terrible. I shower maybe twice a week, brush my teeth once a month, don't shave and my wardrobe consists of a t-shirt with food stains, a pair of mesh shorts and sneakers with holes in them.
I wasn't always this way. While I was never Mr. confident, I was able to participate in a variety of activities growing up. As a kid, I took swimming lessons, trumpet lessons and played several hours of basketball a day. In high school, I acted in eighteen theater productions and was a member of the football and bowling teams. I was a good student and upon graduating, I enrolled at the University of Maryland at College Park.
I wasn't overly excited about continuing my education at college, however. I didn't apply to any schools until my father really got on me about it, screaming at the top of his lungs. I guess I wanted to take a year off to consider my options. I also wanted to try my hand at being a professional actor. Though it's a tough business to break into, I know people that did and I was quite good at it. It had become my passion. Looking back, I suppose I should have gotten a part-time job, tried my hand at acting and if need be, go to college later.
Instead, I went to college right away. Despite being part of some high school activities, I am rather shy (ironic, given my ability to perform on stage) and I never really made too many friends. I had some trouble with the roommates I was assigned as well and returned home following my first semester 55 pounds heavier.
I lost the weight when I developed a crush on this girl. The weight loss was unintentional. I just got so nervous thinking about her, I couldn't eat. I allowed this crush to go on too long without making my feelings known. Rather than get to know her better, my mind started imagining what she'd be like (all things I'd like of course!) and so my crush deepened. I was drawn to her confidence, something I lacked. I was so lonely and lost, perhaps I was looking to her to save me.
Needing to pick a major, I chose Marketing. I didn't really know much about it. It's just that the business school was well-respected and I was also steered toward it by my parents as well. The truth is, I didn't know what I wanted to do or be. I was supposed to figure it out those first two years and I never did.
In 2003 I suffered a mental breakdown. Over time, I had become increasingly bitter and angry. I began hating people. Then one day, feeling very angry and lonely, I snapped. I proceeded to fall apart in a very bad way. I began smoking cigarettes and cigars. I stopped going to class, stopped studying. The friends I had abandoned me. And so, it got to a point where I never left my apartment. I ordered food to be delivered three to four times a day, all junk, including a pint of Ben & Jerry's just about every night. I sat on the couch and smoked a pack and a half a day, leaving the butts on the ground outside on the balcony. It got to a point where there were so many cigarette butts on the floor, they doubled as carpeting.
I also developed several phobias, including a germ phobia. I couldn't open doors with my hand. Whenever someone sneezed, I'd hold my breath until I could leave the area. As a kid, I was always a bit obsessive-compulsive (e.g., having to name everything object in the room before I could watch TV) but this breakdown made it all worse.
I was living to die basically. I am not a religious person and so I didn't have religion to hang on to. I began asking why. Why am I here? What is the point? I figured that whatever I do doesn't matter because in the end I will die. Even if I impact someone else's life along the way, in the end, they will die. So, is life simply about packing in as much fun as you can before your time is up? What if you're like me and you no longer enjoy doing things? I wished I was dead. I knew I couldn't take my own life and so I focused on how sad I was that I had been born in the first place.
I beat up a 13-year-old kid who was successfully ripping into me with an onslaught of digs and insults. I was so determined not be bullied, not to take shit from anyone that I lost control. On several occasions, I lashed out at one of my teachers because we didn't see eye to eye.
There was some thought that perhaps my inability to avoid being overcome with this uncontrollable rage might be a result of two concussions that I suffered, one in high school and one in college. It could also explain why my OCD and mild depressive moods that I had as a kid got worse.
(As a kid, I ran away from home a lot and also begged my dad to kill me)
Moving on...
Returning home with a college degree after seven years of going at it, I couldn't land a job. I had a marketing degree but it turns out I didn't really like marketing and my major GPA was terrible anyway. I tried getting a job as a reinsurance accountant because I interned as one and its what my dad does but the lack of an accounting degree proved problematic. Though it's not supposed to factor into their decision, I would not be surprised if my weight also kept me from being hired.
So, here's the thing:
1) I don't know what I can do for a living
2) I don't enjoy very many activities
3) I'm not really interested in the American dream lifestyle
4) I can't afford to see a mental health professional
5) I'm unable to go to crowded places (i.e., the mall, the movies)
6) I'm too afraid to work with strangers
7) I have no friends
8) I'm slowly killing myself with tobacco, over eating and lack of activity
9) I can't let go of the past and stop regretting all of my mistakes
10) I have no work history to put on a resume
11) I've overwhelmed with guilt and feelings of worthlessness
12) I lack something I want, something I can use as motivation
I figure my time is running out. I'll either die from cancer or a heart attack. I certainly allowed myself to have many cavities and receding gums. This may be my last chance.
I need suggestions. I need ideas for what I can do as a start. How do I make a fresh start? Heh, can I give myself amnesia so all the problems go away?
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I am giving you this information because you say you are very unhappy, and it seems that you feel you might benefit from seeing a mental health care professional, but do not think you can afford it. I think this is a good idea, and I want you to know that there are other options for getting medical care without insurance.
I'm assuming you live in Maryland, since that is where you went to college. If not, I apologize, because some of the specific information I am going to give you is geared toward the state of Maryland. I hope it helps, because if you need to see a mental health professional, it is important that you find an opportunity to do so, and the opportunities are out there. You just have to put forth a little effort in order to find them.
First of all, you can call 2-1-1 from any telephone, nationwide. I'm not sure if you need to dial a 1 before 211, but try it both ways if one does not work. 211 is nation-wide service to help you find information about your community. You can start by asking them what your options are for getting mental health services without insurance.
Here is another resource:
If you live in Maryland, go directly to this web address:
http://www.dhmh.state.md.us/healthcare/index.htm
And then click on "Guide to Health Services for Low Income Adults without insurance". You'll find the link under "Hospitals and Clinics" in the lower-right part of the main body of text on the page.
This will open a Microsoft Word Document (I hope you have Word, because that is the only type of file provided) with a list of health care providers who offer services on a sliding fee scale or a reduced charge basis.
No matter what solution you choose, I hope that you are able to find a way to go to the doctor.
Another thing to consider since you don't have a job is that you may be able to receive some kind of disability income either the state or federal government. I know people who have, in the past, been put on disability simply for depression because it so severely affected them and their ability to hold a job. There is no shame in this, and I'm not saying you should take advantage of it in an unscrupulous way, but it sounds like something that might help you out-- at least until you are feeling better and think you can handle a job. I don't know if you would be able to do this, but it is something to ask about. Just let them know that your depression/social anxiety makes it impossible for you to even go to crowded places or work a job.
I think if you work with a doctor somehow you can get back to a place where you can figure out something you would really enjoy doing with your life. It is possible for you to go back to school for a second bachelor's degree if you would like. Being that you are 26, even though you live with your parents, you are considered independent and thus can probably get financial aid to go to college. If marketing makes you miserable, I see no reason for you to work in marketing. It's never too late to go back and do something different.
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Hopefully that will make a big difference.
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Rating: 5
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Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. Unfortunately, I failed to mention that I attended the University of Maryland as an out-of-state student. However, I shall attempt to find my home state's equivalent to the information your provided. I too feel that seeing a doctor is my only recourse. I hoped I would also receive other suggestions as well but what you gave me is a start. Though I do not know your religious affiliation, I appreciate the fact that you did not offer me the solution of finding God, as have some of the other respondents.
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