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36/m
Briefly, the facts of my situation are as follows:
I had an emotional affair. It was a long-distance matter between me and a woman I used to know before I met my wife. When my wife began to realize what was going on (and it didn't take her long, because I'm lousy at keeping secrets and she's very perceptive) I ended it, and told my affair partner that I would not be contacting her again. I meant it, too.
That might have been the end of it, but a couple of days ago my wife looked into my e-mail account and discovered everything had been going on - things that she had not been aware of and which I had not intended to tell her. To make a long story short, the nature of the affair had turned sexual, and there were E-mails sent back and forth where we described that sort of thing in detail. There were confessions of love from both sides, and intimate revelations of other sorts. There were also plans for us to try to get together sometime soon (plans which I aborted before my wife even found out about anything, because I came to my senses about that much at least). I was lying to my wife about all of these things, and now those lies are fully exposed.
Of course, my wife is furious and terribly hurt, and she is considering ending our marriage.
I am deeply remorseful of what I've done. Right now I can barely look my wife in the eye, because I am so ashamed of myself. I think I might take my own life if I didn't know that it would only make things worse for my wife and child (for now, my child remains unaware of anything wrong, that goodness for that).
I know that I committed a terrible wrong, and I want to make amends and repair my marriage. I need advice on how to do that. I am willing to do literally whatever it takes to make things right again. I want to change myself so that I will be a better man, someone she deserves to have for a husband, instead of the lying cheater that I have proven to be.
Does anyone have any thoughts on what I can do or say to convince her that my intentions are sincere, that I truly am sorry, and that it absolutely will not happen again? Are there any of you out there who have gone through this on either end and might have some advice for what I can do now? And can anyone give me some idea on how I can work to improve myself and my own personal integrity so that this doesn't happen again?
I ask only that responders refrain from slamming me down regarding my wrongful actions - nothing that anyone can say will make me feel worse about it than I already do, so to harp on that will be pointless. Please, just tell me what I can do now. (link)
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What a person who is cheated on always wonders is, "What did that person have that I didn't?"
You have to really make her feel like she is the world to you. She needs to feel worthwhile and overloved to feel assurance.
If you haven't already sat down and had a long talk about it, you need to. It'll be the hardest thing in the world, but she needs closure and so do you. Answer every question she asks you honestly.
This is a good time to lay out some goals or things you will do to better yourself. This is REALLY important. You need to find out what you're going to do to change yourself. Write out the list if you have to and share it with her. A goal has to have steps in order for it to be realistic. It can't be reached if there are no steps.
Always let her know what you're doing (without making it look like an alibi). Refrain from any shady activity that would make her think you are cheating.
Never ever fight or say anything that would hurt her feelings, because that would truly hurt her feelings and make her question if you really want to be with her.
Spend more time with her and your child. Take more walks, go to the park, go out to dinner or somewhere special. Even if she doesn't want to see you, try but don't force. Because if you don't try, it'll look like you don't care.
Getting back together is possible, but is a very long and difficult process. It will be really painful, but worthwhile in the end as long as you work for it. You seem very remorseful, just show that side to her so she knows you're honest. I will warn you, she won't forget that and those feelings will stay there forever, but you just have to show her that you really love her and truly regret it.
Good luck
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Rating: 5
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Your advice is very similar to what I have been told by others, and the more I hear it the more I am convinced it is true. Thank you!
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