Dear Readers:
I think my life experience is what qualifies me to write this column. I made every mistake imaginable. But have learned from them. Most important I still remember what it was like to be 12, 13, 14, 15, and so on. Currently I am a single mom, I have two wonderful boys. One in college. We are all happy emotionally. We love life, and know that you can too. I try to be the kind of parent that understands. I know that I can help you to understand where you parents are coming from, and help you get over the difficulties of being young. You can even have your parents write to me and I will help them to get over their fears and at least respect you and your feelings. I have been married and divorced twice, so I have experience in that field also. But now I own my own home, and my own business and am successful. Lots of luck to you! Hope to hear from you.
Website: Ask Michele
E-mail: cobweb2@comcast.net
Gender: Female
Location: Connecticut
Occupation: accountant, internet marketing, creative writing
Age: 56
Member Since: March 22, 2005
Answers: 1331
Last Update: June 20, 2010
Visitors: 89034
Main Categories:
Work/School Relationships
Families
Parenting
View All
|
| |
hi Michele,
thank you for taking the time to answe my question....
i am female. and my dad is Saudi Arabian. so technically i am too since we take after our dads. my mum and he moved to canada before i was born.
ok heres my west vs east problem:
i am so confused because as soon as i step out of the house everything is different. sometimes i feel like i am double faced. its not that i am one person here and another there. its just that i understand -perhaps more than mum and dad- how things work here in toranto, whereas at home i say yes and no to almost everything they want me to without questioning why. if i do (cause sometimes i really don't get it while my sibs get it instantly) they tend to make feel like an idiot or yell at me saying i am really capable of corruption. that includes their opinion about my "sinful" friends ( i understand that so many things that is ok with friends here don't go with our culture, granted, but it doesn't mean i can't befriend them. i have values and they respect that) so i don't see why mum and dad make my life a living hell at 23! (i feel like a 16 year old fighting for curfew) i know they worry that my judgment my get blurred. but i am by nature stubborn. if i know there is nothing wrong with something i will do it despite what they say... and they should understand that they raised me as best they could and that the world is not all evil (they don't allow me to go out alone i have to have someone with me at all times even for walks...) again as i said. i am stubborn. and i've had it with years of me not being able to do things like go to a play or dinner with friends when its dark... i did it once behind their backs and it backfired (i told my mum) and she went hysterical and that got me into sooooo much trouble (my mum says i will cause the shame of my father one day, that our reputation will deteriorate through me) ... again what is wrong with going out for dinner with frineds!!! if i do by a miracle get a chance to go... my dad makes sure i have a hell of a time by yelling at me or making me feel like crap before i go (in a way its a tactic to ensure that i have a bad time and i stop asking) ....
it really bothers me....i made another mistake when i am 17... we moved cities and i was a freshman in college. well it was a bit awkward since all of them had a dozen of boyfriends and went out on dates and stuff. whereas i have barely any experience with guys except those who are my friends (and my parents don't know of)... so i made up a lie about braking up with this guy so i don't look like an idiot. and i snuck out one night to go to this party were i had a glass of rum (the first and last drink i ever had) i went into my own guilt trip and still do today.... i know its stupid of me what i've done, when supposedly i should defend my background and stuff. but not to be argumentative i didn't want people to think i had some kind of complex or something since i've never been with a guy. and second i was so mad at my sister because she has been trying to look good on my expense.... it was a bad night to rebel i admit... nothing happend out of the ordinary.. but in context of conservative saudi society i have done the next best thing to the ultimate. i don't know what to do... its still haunting me today ... and my mum (though she knows nothing about it) makes me feel so bad, bad everyday i am conscious. what should i do to step back into the safe zone of my culture? i am afraid its too late :s
i am pretty educated when it comes to islam too, and we come from a sect that is very logical and says nothing of this nonsense on the news about blood shed and so forth... though despite that alot of the rules at home is, i believe, a question of heritage and culture instead of religion.... i am not sure what to do. i am not good with heart to heart talks with my parents (dad has a bad temper) and because they think i am a fool. i am too emotional. and to illogical.
i envy all my friends who have a good connection with their parents (arabs or not) i even had a huge fight with a friend because she was so close to her mum she'd tell her everything (like how we always hand out with our good guy friends) and eventually her mum told my mum and my mum thought i had a secret boyfriend and threatened to tell my dad(i fear she hears about my lie and won't believe me about it then) i am sure all mums have a thing or two in common right? but how come she panics so much.... none of my sibs have a good relationship with her... the only ones who SHE thinks she is close to are my brothers...
:S she's very superstitous too.. and she thinks that i am an easy target for evil eyes and bad curses or whatever... so its kind of hard talking to her like other kids do.... i really really need to redeem myself and express to her how sorry i am for doing things i shouldn't have (i can't tell her tough she'll go crazyyy) ahhh i really don't know what to do.... it's the fear towards them that makes me avoid confrontation. i mean i can't change.... and i can't exactly not change because that will change all the dynamics as you pointed (no higher education for me)... i am not part of the standard definition of "beauty" back in saudi either, so getting married isn't an option... eventually i'll have to go back and get married there. prospects of that are a bit dim since i am a freelance photographer and my work isn't really that accepted at home :S sometimes i think that is what bothers mum... that i am not like my baby sister eager to get married but too timid to say so and just pretends to be looking after a career for now until "he" comes......( perfect rapper for the perfect wife) ahhh why is my culture so different than my religion.... i am sorry this is so long :S i am just super super confused and i feel so bad about the lies i made in freshman.... (link)
|
HI dear, I am glad that you left another question, and I will try to help. You gave me a clue when you said that your mom was supersitious and worried about the evil eye and stuff. This is important. I have known people who believed in this stuff. It is very very hard to convince them otherwise. This is a major part of your difficulty with your family. They are very old fashioned (we say here) and it has worked for them, and they want the same for you.
The problem is that the people that your folks are friendly with, will turn their backs on them if you embarrass them. Even holding hands with a man will bring great shame to the family. (I know that you already know this.) (and I don't agree.) But if your folks feel that is does, and believe me their "friends" will loose no opportunity to make them feel ostracized. And they will blame your parents for not bringing you up right. And your parents will blame you. They are working very hard, and are very hard on you, because they want to avoid this at all costs. In Saudi Arabia, I don't think I have to tell you what would happen, if this were to occur while you were living there. Well that said, how do you gain back their trust. And I agree with you, it is not the religion it is the customs. And many of them have developed due to the Saudi society, inspite of the religion of Islam.
So my suggestion is that you talk to them about how much you respect the RELIGION of ISLAM without saying that you respect the customs of your society. I am thinking that they won't know the difference. And you did tell me that you do agree with many of the edicts of the Islamic religion. The rules and customs. And that is great, so you wouldn't be lieing. Because they are less educated than you are, they (hopefully) will believe that your embracing the religion of ISLAM is the same as embracing their customs. While I believe you when you say that you are not going to jeopardize your relationship with your parents by doing something unacceptable again, you just want to gain back their trust. So I believe that showing them in whatever way you can, that you do embrace Islam will alleviate their fears. It will show that you respect them and understand them. I know it will feel awkward at first, but in time, your mom will grow to trust you more. It is ok to tell her that you understand that they do not want to loose their place in society, and you have no intentions of jeopardizing that.
Please do not tell them about the things you did when you were a freshman, no harm came of it and what they don't know won't hurt them. You do not ever have to tell anyone. Please it won't go well for you. Keep it to yourself. Really you did nothing wrong. It is normal to be curious and to want more freedom when you see it all around you. I suspect that your sister will want more as she gets older too. If you were living in Saudi Arabia you would have more friends that would be in the same sitatuation as you are. And there wouldn't be any thoughts of wanting more freedom because all of society in Saudi would be against you. I hope that when and if you do get married that you can come back to CANADA and work in your chosen field of photography and raise your kids there. Do you think you would raise your girls differently? I mean it is OK to expect your girls to behave and to have respect for the parents and to not date or anything and wait for their parents to choose their husband, BUT would you be more trusting? Could you be? Would the group of people, family, relatives, etc, allow you to be more liberal with your girls? This is something to think about.
I know that we women have more freedom in this country and in Canada, but I can't say that it has turned out well for all of us. I am not saying that Saudi society has the right answers either, but somewhere in there, there is a happt medium. As far as a better relationship with your mom, well I wish I had one with my mom too. She is 80 years old and we still have problems. Some people just don't change. But trying thinking about things from her point of view. Which will never change. You can be flexible, and I see that you already are. She cannot be. She has everything to loose. You think it is silly.
How can you ensure that when you are a married woman and mother, that you and your family won't be in the same situation. Maybe you can't.
I hope this helped and please write again if you like. I will be more than happy to answer you.
Michele
|
|
Rating: 5
|
i would have no clue what to do with my girls... i have a niece and sometimes i just look at her an wonder if it will be as hard for her as it is on me ... especially that my sister chose to raise her as my parents..
part of me wants to have girls and raise them to be the best they could be... and the other part doesn't want any coz i may betray my family if i raised them other wise... happier...
i hate to say it but there is a lot of superficiality going around back home amongst girls my age... and though the society preaches something certain and has a general veil over things, some girls do other wise.... dating, sex, what have you while their parents, and their friends, know....... i am ok with it but if there is one thing i hate it is hypocrisy..... they allow and do it yet say its wrong... (i hate to generalize but when i went back for a whole year once, that is how i felt the general opinion was like they believed it was wrong and not took it as a gov. rule like the abaya... yet they kept at it and talked about other people.... their like vultures to be honest.....and worst of all is that they were really open to so many western things, they traveled read books from the outside and even went to summer camps! its like they secretly want to be like the west but didn't want to admit it) i can't do that! i can't say its bad and still do it.
already i feel bad about my freshman year because of what would happen to mum and dad yet i am not sure i regret everything... unlike them i don't say its wrong in that sense. (the things i believe i shouldn't do i didn't and the things other wise i did) for one thing they made me wiser... plus, granted you bend a bit to circumstances but you don't say your something your not, right? thats only lying to urself! :s my cousin israa said she decided to wear the veil last summer and then she told me she had been intimate with her classmate's brother once, and yet after that in fall when i left, she told her parents i was very casual and even slutty with the boys in my "mixed" school (coz i showed her the profiles of my friends on facebook -mind you no pics of me) and dressed inappropriately... they were with me since kindergarten! my brothers!
ahh... that is the hight of my problems..... i don't do the things i would consider normal (like swimming in a public beach with my parents' consent in canada ) in the presence of anyone from home.....fine... but know i can't do them period.... my mum and dad used to be fine with that... overlooked how influential friends and family could be.... you're right... my aunts are constantly telling my dad that we are too liberal and so forth.... thing is.... HE BROUGHT US HERE! he agreed to expose us to the western world, he should have known this would happen (what ever "this" is) .... if it were up to me i would rather go live in saudi and not have them go crazy like that on me. but thats not an option -they don't want to prove we didn't succeed and they want me to have an education- but at least there i could have some peace of mind and i could live based on my principles and values without them having to worry that its outer influences... i mean every day goes by and i am so guilty of the stuff i did in freshman simply because i know at any given time they could find out and i would be such a shame to the family and it would kill me seeing them in an unimaginable situation.... i try to hide those things and hopefully they will never find out...i am thankful they took the risk and brought us here... but in the same time... its too hard for me too cope with two cultures...
then there is religion... i consider myself muslim... but not very religious.. i try to pray but i hardly ever do (and thats something i am not proud of because it takes mins of your day only)... my mum and dad know that and they encourage me to do so but i am just in a phase where i am constantly questioning everything... i really want to know different people different places interpretations of things... but being caught in this two sided position...i am not sure i could fill more than half the cup... which is what is expected of me at most......
it makes me question everything... everything they had worked for, everything they had done to get us here... what's it all for if i won't be able to build myself from scratch? do i have to jump into my husbands sleeping bag and share what he had already gathered from life?
its an identity crises.... is being arab associated with blood and background, or is it culture and tradition.... and am i really canadian or is it just a document i carry for protection? i am worried i will never find the saudi who will be able to fill MY expectations on life... who shares my view on life.... i don't want to be involved in a marriage of the bodies only, because by god i don't have anything i think is worth offering without my mind...............
i am sorry i am taking too much of your time. i am just confused. and i guess i am demanding so much of a life i am not supposed to have.... living in canada, as much as i hate to say , turned out to be a burden for me.............
thank you for your kindness and understanding again i am so sorry for making this so long...
|
|