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Age: 34
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Xenolan
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for english, we had to write a reflective essay on 10 minutes of our life. usually, we do peer editing in class with all of our essays, but this time, we dont have enough time to. this is where you guys and gals come in =p. i would lovee to hear your input on it, good and bad. if theres anything that i should add or take out or change, ect. let me know. and also if you see any comma errors or words spelled incorectly, anything grammar related, please let me know also. thanks a ton!
heres the essay-
I took a deep breath. Pushing off with my right foot, I began down the hill. As I started to build speed, I knew this wasn’t a good idea. Squeezing my eyes shut, I put my foot out on the ground to try to stop myself, but nothing could help me at this point.
I was on the ground before I knew it. Still not sure of what had happened, I looked down at the ground, hoping to see my feet still firmly planted in the same position on my friends skateboard. But this wasn’t the case. A sharp pain suddenly shot through my arms and legs. My whole waist went numb. I couldn’t will myself to get up off the cold, hard pavement. My whole body ached. It felt like there were pins and needles poking into me everywhere. In the distance, I could faintly hear someone’s voice yelling. I soon figured out that it was my friend’s voice, calling out to me. “Kara!” I heard. “Are you ok!? What happened?”
I tried to make since of it all, but it was still a huge blur. “Two arms, two legs, and a head,” I thought. “Alright, I’m ok.” I just needed to get up, hop back on the skateboard, and everything would be fine. Reaching down towards to pavement, I placed my hands, palms down, on the ground to push myself up. As soon as I did this, a surging pain shot through my hands. I quickly withdrew my hands up, like a small child touching a hot oven for the first time. Sneaking a quick peek at my palms revealed a crimson red that left me feeling nauseated.
The fact that my friends brand new skateboard, his prized possession, was nowhere in sight suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. This realization momentarily made the pain I had been feeling fade. Frantically, I surveyed the area, but it was nowhere in sight. Finally pushing myself up from my position on the ground, I began to search more thoroughly. I looked in every possible place I could think of, but still nothing. The skateboard was nowhere to be found. Just as I started loosing hope, my friend came running up from behind my neighbor’s car, with his skateboard tucked safely under his arm. I don’t think I had ever been as relieved as I was that moment.
This feeling was quickly washed away, though, as pain sharply reminded me what had just happened. I then hobbled up the monstrous hill that I had just taken a tumble down, and retreated into the safe warmth of my house.
I think it is safe to say I’m not the best skateboarder in the world, but everyone takes a fall or two when learning something new. If I try to see myself skateboarding again in the near future, it sends shivers up and down my spine, although I definitely want to try again someday. “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.”
thanks again everyone! i really appreciate it. (link)
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I took a deep breath. Pushing off with my right foot, I began down the hill.
( I like the way you start out by setting up the scene and giving the reader access to your thoughts and your senses - what you are seeing and feeling.)
I put my foot out on the ground to try to stop myself, but nothing could help me at this point.
(Since the rest of your piece is in past tense, I think you should say "at that point")
“Kara!” I heard. “Are you ok!? What happened?
(Using two punctuation marks is not standard grammar and my not be well-received by your teacher. It depends on how formal the class is.)
I tried to make since
(sense)
s Reaching down towards to pavement,
(toward with no 's' and 'the' rather than 'to')
I quickly withdrew my hands up,
(I think withdrew doesn't go with up well because withdrew means you pulled them out and saying up is giving a different directional cue.)
The fact that my friends
(friend's)
Just as I started loosing hope
(losing)
I think it is safe to say
(You just used safe in the previous sentence. Can you change one to another word?)
If I try to see myself
('when I try' would be a better word choice here)
Good luck
Sabine
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Rating: 5
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thanks a ton! that really really helped!
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