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LindascounselE-mail:
Lindascounsel@yahoo.comGender:
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March 14, 2005Answers:
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singlemom
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Hi! I'm Linda. I would love to try to help you with advice about love and life. I can also try to help with Health: Mental issues in particular. However, you can ask me anything. I believe in the value of honesty and I will do my best to be ethical, fair and genuine. xoxoxoxo
advice
Ive met this great man and we get along in all aspects, but from the start he has said hes not sure about a relationship because of his past. Hes been so hurt and has built this huge wall around him. I have made it clear from the beginning that i do want a relationship. Who doesnt want to be loved as long as its with the right person? He has just recently figured out that i have started having feelings for him and it scares him. Now im scared of how honest to be with him about it because i dont want to lose him from my life, hes also a great friend. On the other hand i wish there was something i could do to get him to see how great we would be in a relationship. Help me, ive been seriously hurt in the past as well and i dont like this feeling i have in my stomach. What should i do? I am 33 years old and hes 36 and we both have children from previous relationships.
Dear Ineed,
The one thing I have learned in this life is that when guys say they are scared, they are scared. When they say that they're assholes, they turn out to be assholes. When they say they need some space, they need the space, unfortunately, without you in it. You sound like a lovely girl who is kind, caring and nurturing.
You know that feeling you have in your stomach? It's a signal. It's a cue. It's a signal that something isn't right and it is manifesting itself physically. This is only the beginning. The beginning is the honeymoon phase and you are already feeling physical symptoms. It doesn't get any better. Okay, well occasionally you will be with him and get the feeling that it doesn't get any better than this. And it's exciting! You feel good, you feel that all is right with the world, you're HAPPY! That lasts about 30 seconds and then you start to doubt his motives. We women tend to crave those 30 seconds of euphoria and discount all the other behaviors. If it happens once or twice or even three times, we think it can happen again, maybe this time even longer.
You've been hurt in previous relationships and it could be a pattern that you're getting into. We can only work with what we know, and you have to teach others how to treat you. This means learning how you really, deep down, WANT to be treated.
I think you need to back up a bit. Just a little. You need and want a little more from him than he is willing or able to give. You say that you're good friends. That's great! It's the perfect place to start. Back it up to friends. I would start by releasing all the expectations that you have of him. Or that you want from him. Take his cue. Go slowly and watch for the signs that he is giving you. To do this, I would start with the phone. When you are talking on the phone, be very friendly, kind, do a lot of listening and not a lot of talking. Keep it short and YOU end the phone call. This works best when you are in the middle of a GREAT conversation. I know that sounds strange, but it works. Trust me. It will leave him wanting more. When you are together, same thing, different circumstances. Be a friend to him, not a lot of talking, perhaps ask him questions to get him talking about anything he wants to. Cut it short and end the visit first. Say you have other things that need your attention that you simply must attend to. Again, it will leave him wanting more AND it will put a little doubt in his mind.
HOPE + DOUBT = PASSION. You have to let him know that he is important to you, you will be there for him and that you have feelings for him. However, you MUST counter this with some doubt. This may be called mixed signals, but mixed signals is what a man thrives on. It's a challenge to him. It won't happen overnight, but it WILL happen if that's what you want. Think of it as a project you're working on. You are going to get what you put into it. I suspect this is the same reason why you are falling for him...because he is giving you the hope/doubt equation without even realizing it. But you can take that power back. This will work if it's done correctly. Please tell me how it works out for you.
Good luck!
Linda
(Rating: 5) Dear Linda, Loved your advice, thankyou so much and i absolutely agree with you. Heres my only problem. I am so insecure about things like this that i have a hard time just letting things run its course, need to no answers now. It's mentally exhausting! When im around people, i exude confidence. When im alone, im a crumbling insecure mess and i tend to overthink everything. Any advice on how to just let this friendship ride out and see what happens without me pressuring for answers? Thanks!singlemom