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June 23, 2005Answers:
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Advice from a smart Southern gal.
advice
My parents were divorced about 7 years ago. I am in my 30s. I feel like the holidays are a job because we have to go so many different places in one day, and worst of all, eat.
I wish I could rent out 2 adjacent ballrooms and have Christmas. It stresses me out. I have tried saying, ok, your house for Thanksgiving and your house for Christmas. This year I made Thanksgiving dinner, but my father forgot or just didn't bother to care. I did visit him the Friday after, which was fun. Mom and brother did come. Brother is also making the grand rounds with his family.
How could this be easier other than purposefully being out of town?
The good news is that you're not obligated to make the grand rounds, and you're not obligated to feel responsible for anyone's fits if they don't get what they want out of your holiday time. Just stop. Tell your family that you want to have a relaxed time with them that you will all cherish without feeling rushed or overbooked. (Don't argue this. Just state it as fact.) And set up a mutually convenient time before, during or after the holidays to spend with each set of people who matter to you. Some families split the holidays each year, some alternate years, and some just tell families to "come see me if you want to see me."
There's no need to defend this new stance with your family, by the way. Just communicate that this is a decision you have made, and if they argue, your stance should be to smile warmly and kindly and say, "Well, be that as it may, this is what I've chosen to do. Now, let's talk about when I can look forward to seeing you during the holidays. Are you free the weekend immediately after Christmas? No? Would it be better if we spent some time together in January instead? No, as I have said, the two weekends before Christmas aren't good for me. No, I don't have specific plans but I'm choosing not to go out of town on those dates. (no further explanation is needed). When else would you like?"
And I'd let your father know that you were disappointed he didn't attend Turkey Day with you. Next year, confirm that he really will be there, mentioning that you were disappointed that he didn't come as agreed upon the previous year. And if he does this again, don't make plans with him unless he initiates them, and only then if he has satisified you that he has changed his ways and is serious about honoring his time with you.
Good luck! - The Southern Chick
(Rating: 5) Hey, I didn't realize this is still out there. Dad has changed a bunch since this question. (Like he didn't go into a fit when I had to work for Father's Day).So maybe he is getting wise to the craziness. I thank you.