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I can’t get over what I did in my past, what do I do?
I’m a girl 14 years old turning 15 soon, if it is relevant I’m autistic and have anxiety, and I’ve recently been in a depressed spiral, I barely get out of bed at all except for to go to the bathroom and if I have to get out for anything then I end up just crying, I don’t want to eat anything either. The reason for this is because in my recent past (like 2020-2022 maybe 2023 I can’t remember, I might have done it before 2020 too) I looked at inappropriate stuff of underage fictional characters, like anime and stuff like that. I’m so disgusted and ashamed of myself, it wasn’t only underage characters and it didn’t reflect my actual thoughts obviously, I never felt like that towards any real children I’m not a predator and I would never do anything like that again but that’s not an excuse. I feel so bad and I don’t know what to do or how to get over this, I don’t want to tell my parents, but they keep asking me why I’m not eating, why won’t I get out of bed, etc and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a horrible person, please can someone give me advice on how to go forward? I don’t go to school so I just spend all day in bed and cry and I can’t do it anymore, I want to feel normal again. Please give me any advice, I am desperate
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Oh, I hurt with you as I can imagine what it would feel like if my Grand daughter same age was in that situation. Although hers is also not the best situation with a very difficult step mother and that's putting it nicely.
I don't believe that being autistic will change whether you can feel depressed or joyful. Think to a time before this event that has changed how you feel. Were you always depressed, from a young child on? I think not. From what you wrote it sounds like you feeling deeply since looking at the perverted Anime for underage. I also personally believe such anime should not be looked at by any age, even if you're 95 or so.
There is good clean anime, so it isn't the anime that is bad. Since you feel this way, I believe you have a strong understanding of what is right and what is wrong. What you saw is something that might make one person curious to try it for themselves and possibly become hooked on it. Doing so, takes away the right of the children. You understand how that is wrong and would never do such a thing and now feel shame. In that sense, feeling ashamed about what some would call a bad thing and others call sinful, is a good thing in that it is pointing out to you that you were taking part in reading of something that is wrong whether you do it or not. The part that is bad now is the fact that you still feel ashamed and it has led you to feel depressed, not eating or sleeping properly. Now I have come to the point where what I have to say, may be unwanted advise but other than counseling which may help with how you think about it so you don't have such ashamed thoughts, depressed thoughts, or there is another choice worth trying but most people want nothing to do with it, they call it religion. I don't know whether your parents are church goers, believe in Jesus or not. If not, they may not understand and have nothing they can suggest to help you. If though they do believe Jesus is real and helps us, then you would know that and I would suggest telling them you need help dealing with your guilt. See, it isn't as important what our sin is, as long as we see our need to get out from under the condemnation we feel and to be released from having to pay for our sin. Sin can range from telling a lie to killing a person for example. We believe killing a person is the worst sin of the two and a court will make such a person pay by locking them up in jail. To God, a sin is a sin, little or big but instead of being mad at us for sins, God made a way for us to have our debts for our sins paid for by Jesus taking all the payments and debts of currant people in his time on earth and also for all of us in the future and only he could do that because he was Gods son, so of God though in a human body so us humans could relate to him better. It was such a relief for me to know that all my sins were paid for by Jesus. It is actually called a gift that God gives. So if a person tells Jesus in a prayer that they accept the free gift of his paying for our sin, we are free from ever having to pay for it, and to help us in not doing future sin, though we still might as we're learning to be more like God, we can ask for Jesus to come live in our hearts and his Spirit to help lead and guide us. I don't believe this would be too hard for you to understand, because I know of a Pastor who has a grown son in his 30s but with the mind of a 4 year old. And this young man is wheel chair bound, unable to walk. He actually had a dream one day of him being with Jesus in heaven and they both were running together, with the young man having good legs there. He was so excited about he had to tell his Dad, the pastor about this event where it was so exciting to look forward to and obvious to him how much God loved him. You can write me again and let me know what you have decided to do, whether to tell your parents, go to counseling or try to see what Jesus does for guilt and shame. I like to encourage where I can. If you write me back, you can write just to me rather than where all others will see and possibly be confused. However you would have to click on "Browse Advice Columnists" and click on dragonflymagic which is the name I use on here, and you will be taken straight to my advice column where you can then write to update me on things. Please do something soon. Not getting good sleep and not eating much at all can affect a persons health and create medical problems that can make your situation worse. God bless you dear.
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