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“If you love them, let them go”
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we are both 26. He moved to my state to be with me, we talk seriously about the future, and have considered moving in together. Everything between us is pretty much exactly what I want in my life, however there are two major hurdles in our relationship. First, he has committed to permanently living in my state, 4 hrs away from his parents, to make it work with me. He is very close with his family and I know that will be very hard for him, especially when kids are involved. Secondly, we are from the same religion but he believes in certain practices/traditions that would require substantial sacrifices on my side (i.e keeping kosher in my home, attending more religious events than I would normally be comfortable with, sending kids to Jewish school, etc). We would both be making huge sacrifices in terms of our lifestyles in order to be together, and it worries me that we could resent each other. On the other hand, if he and I both feel willing to make these commitments to make it work, then part of me thinks we can be strong enough to do it. What do you think. If I love him should I let him go, or do I fight for love?
Any advice is welcome, especially if you have been through something similar. Thank you!
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I have not been in anything similar. My first husband was verbally abusive but no sign of it. He fooled my parents and he attended the same church with me. So just on beliefs alone, just because someone goes to a church or temple, and takes part in many of the activities as we did with doing sunday school, prayer group leaders, etc... it doesn't mean a person really is trying all that hard to be a Godly person. So just in case you feel he
is a safe bet, just be careful. As I heard once, just because you find a mouse in your cookie jar, that doesn't make him a cookie, same as people can profess a belief and go through all the important actions. Some of the most REAL people of faith I've found outside the church actually doing Godly work.
You are right that in some cases, a person can make a choice that involves a mate and then come to resent them later. It doesn't always happen. Many who end up resenting and splitting up could say they loved each other.
SO how can you tell ahead of time and be fairly sure it might work out? I only know what worked for me and there are few people who have this, its called unconditional love for each other and its 'being in love' not merely loving a person. It's this little extra in how you love your partner and they also love you the same way, that means you both will be willing to overcome any obstacles in the future because the thought of never being with them again is almost unbearable because they are part of you as a leg or arm is and if you lost a limb, you'd definitely feel it as badly as losing a partner where both were in love.
My second husband and I are in love and we are older, grandparents and cant imagine being apart. Many couples need their own space and wouldn't last if they had to be lets say, quarantined together. A professional asked my ex before we divorced if he was in love with me. He dodged saying bad stuff about me. The Dr persisted and asked him again and after another dodge, finally answered, No but he loved me for being the mother to his kids. He didn't even treat me right as a mother, complaining when I bought school clothes each year for the kids at second hand stores.
Talking about kids, keep in mind many grandparents do not have grandchildren living conveniently near. The one kid I have who still lives near decided not to have kids, the other two are in other states, one is Hawaii. There are always visits like in the summer, for some of the Holidays where you make the trip and stay long enough to make it worthwhile or they make the trip, and theres phone and video calls, Skype or some such thing to see each other. No its not the same as seeing each other several days a week but a young family is going to have their own life to live, and that may involve living where one or the other needs to move to for a job offer. Moving to be near you is also as valid a reason. He would not have done so if he didn't want to be with his parents. I don't know how long he's been in your state but if its the 4 years, or 3, then he's going to do okay in the long run with not being near his family. If its been only 6 months or less, it hasn't been long enough to tell if or how it will get to him. Moving an entire family back and having to find a job, new schools, etc is a big undertaking and harder to do if 3 or more are doing the moving. If it got bad enough that something had to give, when his parents are retireed and not tied to a job, then they have it easier to relocate to be near you. He just might ask them if they would be willing.
As for being of the same faith but you being more relaxed about it versus him extremely active....that one is going to be the hardest to work through. Lets say you two are married right now. He is the head of the house and says he wants you to be as active as him. How would it look if he's the only one attending some function and you are not and kids later, would go with Dad but as they got older may decide theyd rather stay home as you do. This kind of conflict would create lots of arguments with no compromising. Some things can come to a compromise, some cant. I tell gals wanting to marry a guy and have kids, to ask if he even wants kids and would he be okay with it if you got pregnant right at the start? Women marry and keeping waiting til many years have passed, before they even ask if he wants kids!!. No way, this has to be something you're on the same page about. There is no compromise because you want a kid and he doesn't. A compromise would be halfway pregnant and half a child which is nonsense as its not possible. I've read books that also mention ones faith as also being something a person can't compromise on. So both of you would have to be so in love with each other that you don't allow your differences to bother you and neither do you attempt to change your partners beliefs or how they carry it out, you allow each other to be themselves and uphold them in their choices. That is hard for most people to do. My husband doesn't have the patience to do what I do here, advice giving. He hears of some of the crazy questions that show up here and he doesnt want to deal with it. But instead of asking me not to do this and do something else, he upholds me and is actually proud of what I do. He doesn't always agree completely with what I say but most the time, he is proud to say I have been gifted with wisdom and patience and he loves to tell others that I volunteer on here and gives them my dragonflymagic name for them to check it out. That is what upholding a mate is about.
So if it came down to a choice of you having to change all about yourself as far as faith or where you live to keep him, would you be willing to do so in order that you don't lose him? Would he at the same time be willing to make whatever changes to how active he is in the Synagogue, and suck up his desire to be near his parents because the most important thing in his life is being with you and you being happy? If both of you feel the same way, you'll find a way to make it work. Use your imaginations, close your eyes and picture some of these scenarios and see what emotions come up. i did this very thing when facing whether to stay with my now ex, or to leave. I pictured myself with him another month, another year with the crap going on, and I knew if I had done so before, I could make another year pass but it w on't be fun, I asked myself if I could handle 5 years more, ten years more and finally the rest of my life and at that point, I couldn't fool myself or trick myself into thinking I could hang in there. I began to cry hard as I felt dispair,and knew that my emotions were now telling me the truth, I would not be able to handle it. You might try that.
I also highly recommend making a list of needs and wants in a partner. I did this after the ex and it helped me find the wonderful husband who is mutually in love with me. I was strict about what I needed. After verbal abusive first relationship, I wanted a man who never raised his voice to me, would build me up with words and compliments instead of trying to belittle me. abd there was much more to my list. I also wrote what I strong and weak points were so I could be able to share them ahead of time in case a guy didn't like what he heard, he could walk away after the first or second meet up. What I mentioned on my list here is a need. A need is something which if missing in that person, means its a deal breaker, or he's the wrong person even if all the other things are okay. A want is something like I wanted a guy who loved to go dancing and I loved long hair. But I was honest with myself and realized that these were not needs for me. If I got them, thats wonderful, if I didnt I knew I could live without it. Hes got long hair but he doesnt dance at all, and never will, (a valid lets call medical reason) and I have lived without and adjusted to it. Do I resent him for not dancing with me, no. He is willing to let me find a dance partner and go dancing if I wanted to do so real badly. I don't as I'd rather be with him doing something we both enjoy together, even if its as simple as cooking a meal together or watching a favorite movie.
I hope this all helps you to sort out what to do. I don't know him or you and cant make that decision for you whether to stay together or not.
Best wishes on your decision.
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