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Mental Health gone down the drain.
Hi Everyone,
Its been a while since I posted here. I stopped asking for advice a long time ago because I never felt like talking about how i felt. However, I decided to give it a try and see what answers i get. I have been feeling so terrible and just need someone, anyone to listen to what i have been through the past few months, and past 3 years. It is a little long so please bare with me.
I have known this guy (lets call him M) for 10 years. We became friends when i was 17 and Now i am almost 26. I was head over heels inlove with him for years. I ended my first long term relationship when i was 17 and when i met him, i fell for him a few months afterwards. We share an amazing bond and have great chemistry. We understand one another, have the same values, friends, and our families are even really close. He knows my brothers and sisters and I know his. Our relationship is a littel crazy. We are a lot like tom and jerry, always running after one another and it always seems to be the wrong time. When i broke off my relationship, he was already in one. We started talking more (we were teens at the time) and he was inlove with his girlfriend and I was in love with him- ofcourse during that time I never thought about right and wrong, i just knew that i loved him and wanted to be with him. He would always act like he had feelings for me but never said it and always left me hurt somehow. Until after, I decided to let go and move on. I was in my share of relationships afterwards and so was he. While i was in relationships, he would text me but i always pushed him away because of my feelings for my boyfriends at the time. I never wanted to let him get to my head and kind of flicked him off. Afterwards, I broke up with my boyfriend, and found that he was in a relationship. I never intentionally wanted to ruin any of his relationships or disrespect it in anyway, neither did he but somehow we always found an (exception) to talk to one another and to stay intouch. He knew how i felt about him when he was in a relationship with this girl for a really long time (a different girl this time) and always told me that he loved her but confessed that he had feelings for me. He couldn't leave her because they were getting engaged and he really did love her ( he just always had feelings for me ) She found messages between us and broke up with him because she didn't know anything about me. After a while, he was always trying to win her back and when he realized that he couldn't, after a long time, decided to contact me again. It was too late by then because ,I have currently been in a long term relationship with my (almost fiance) for 3 years now. We met three years ago and were madly in-love. Ironically, I always had my doubts about this relationship because we are so different in many ways. We have the same principles in life but come from entirely different backgrounds. He is from another country and barely speaks English and I speak both his language ( not fluent) and English. I was raise and born in America and have a different mindset than him. So during those 3 years we've been fighting a lot and having a lot of disagreements and arguments. I always talk about how he doesn't understand me and we are always going back and fourth. Its been a tough time with him, but i Really do love him so much. and I know that he loves me. He proposed a few months ago and we were supposed to get engaged and ever since, many problems have been happening between us. Parents involved and just personal issues with each other. We've had a very rocky relationship for about a year now, but none of us really can or wants to let go and its easier said than done.
Now back to (M), after his engagement was broken off and he was finally over it, he decided to contact me telling me how he feels and that he wants to come talk to my dad and propose to me. He said he has always been inlove with me but its always been bad timing (either for me or for him) and that we both have the same dreams and outlook on life and we are the perfect match. I completely agree with everything that he said because since i was 17 all i ever dreamed about was being married to him and till today, I still feel that way despite being in my relationship. Anyway, he begged me to leave my relationship to be with him and told me that he will help me get over it. I obviously couldnt do that because I was inlove with my guy and Obviously still have feelings for (M) but had to reject him because it was just a mess in my head. It was the wrong time, just like always. After a few months of rejecting him, I find out that he had gotten into a serious relationship with this girl. She was someone new he met, someone he liked and wanted to be with. I was kind of shocked but figured that he would be with someone eventually, I just didn't think so soon. Especially that he told me how much he regretted being with other people and wish he had told me how he felt earlier and wasnt in any of those relationships. However,I was happy for him because I was happy in my own relationship. Up until, this whole situation started to affect me and my relationship really badly. Me and my guy were constantly fighting, at eachothers throats, the relationship became so toxic and unhealthy, but still, we could never leave. Things would get better, then worse, then better again and its been like this till today. So i was already having my doubts about my own relationship and all i could think of was if me and M were actually the right fit and if i made a mistake continuing in my own relationship. i always try to push that feeling away and focus on my relationship so i dont ruin things from these thoughts, but i find that no matter what i think, it just seems to get worse and worse. A few weeks ago, M spoke to my brother and told him he was getting married and invited him to the wedding. He insisted that my brother told me and told my brother that if i left my relationship to be with him then he would leave his fiance in a second. Ofcourse, i was in shock that he was getting married and didnt mention it to me when he wished me happy birthday a month ago, but i knew that he probably didnt wanna hurt me or have that conversation because he knows how i feel about him.
I honestly texted him and congratulated him, i told him i was happy for him but dissapointed that he didnt tell me especially seeing how close we were to one another. He said that he wanted to see if i was gonna write him and congratulate him. We talked for a while and he asked if he could see me one last time. I told him i didnt think it was a good idea since were both in relationships, and he insisted that he just saw me one last time. I honestly know that its not the right thing to do. But i have held back my feelings for him for such a long time because i was in a relationship and happy. There were so many things i wish i could have told him. Like how much i love and care about him and how hes always been the love of my life and that im sorry things didnt work out between us. I felt like i wanted to let that all out before he tied the knot for good and was finally married. I have terrible guilt trips, going to see him was not easy for me to do, but I tried to convince myself that this was something i needed to get off my chest so that i would have zero regrets. I met up with him and we talked for hours and hours about all the years that passed and how we felt about eachother, the times we spent together and all the crazy memories we have with one another. We laughed and cried, we talked about everything and let out everything. He told me he still loves me and knows that he shouldnt be saying that. I told him that i always loved him as well and that I do love my boyfriend, but I have to tell him how i feel before its too late. I made it clear to him that i would never get myself involved with a married man, even though hes always been an exception in my life and I in his, but its enough that we already saw eachother when were both committed. He knows that i am a really loyal person, and I know that he is too, but we both just had to let it out once and for all. When i told him how i felt, he started to cry and we shared a really intense hug and he told me that I just dropped a bomb on him. I told him that i never told him I loved him because I am in a relationship with someone else and its not right-- but that i owe it to him and myself to be honest. I told him that i want to see him happy and married despite us never having a chance with eachother because of our circumstances. It was always bad timing for us and none of us was ever really able to just drop their life to be with the other because we always cared about someone else at the same time. Somehow we always stayed in touch and always made sure that our significant others would never find out that we checked on eachother from time to time and we worry and care about one another. When i saw him, we were honest about everything and just let it all out. He kept saying things like 'What do i do? " tell me what to do? I can't hurt her, shes already planning the wedding. I told him i would never want him to walk away from someone for me, because I am not ready to even walk away from my relationship for him either. We are both way too attached to our significant other but are attached to eachother in some way as well. ( we talk occasionally btw, and its usually a "hey how are you, hows it been?) that turns up to a 2-3 day conversation until one of us feels like they have to end it because we know how we feel.
I know going to see him wasnt the right thing to do, but i needed to do it to get it off my chest. And i finally did. Now i can sleep in peace knowing that he knows how i feel about him and knowing that he loves me too but just that life has its weird way of being unfair.
Me and my boyfriend were fighting before I saw him for a few days, now after Ive seen him we are still not speaking. (Again, this has nothing to do with M, these are personal and family issues that we have) things are so hard between us right now that we dont even know how to communicate anymore.
My relationship is failing... and M is getting married and all i feel is terrible at this point.
My relationship has become too hard for me to deal with and save, I have done it so many times I cant even count. Im on the edge of just giving up and at the same time, I am so incredibly depressed after meeting M. I feel like my feelings crept back on me and in such a terrible time. I love him and Ive always loved him. But i do love my boyfriend in a way.
I never ever believed that I could love two people at the same time, until this happened to me. I guess you can love people differently, and I don't like to feel like im such a terrible person because of it. I can't control how i feel. I'm not disloyal, Ive never been. This was just a once in a lifetime situation for me and now that hes finally getting married, I feel so hurt about it. I feel like I am trying to fix my relationship and trying to get over someone at the same time ( worst feeling ive ever expirenced in my life)
I told M that we needed to stop talking for good, and let go of eachother (because i didnt want him to do anything crazy )
He didnt like the idea but didn't insist on not doing that. I told him all is said and done, and all he kept saying was 'I really hope i dont find excuses to cancel my wedding, I know that were meant to be. "
I haven't spoken to him or my boyfriend for a few days now and feel like a mess.
Is it really possible to love someone and not feel compatible? There are so many questions i ask myself about my relationship and its so hard to make any decisions, let alone make any decisions when i have feelings for someone else aswell.
Trust me when I say that I am not a dishonest or cheating person. I never knew things like this would happen to me and i never intended to hurt myself this much.
Im not sure what questions I have about this,
all i know is that i am a mess and want to feel like someone understands.
Any advice will be appreciated.
Thank you for reading.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Hon, I am so glad you wrote and wish you had written about this long ago as I have some information that will likely take that confusion away. You stated you have no control over your feelings but in a way, you actually do and I'll get to that soon. Plus while long, my answer is longer as theres so much detail to share.
At the end you asked, “Is it really possible to love someone and not feel compatible? “
Yes it is possible to have feelings of Love for someone who is wrong for you. But I also feel there's a great difference between Love and Being in Love. It might sound like insignificant word play on my part. SO I will give examples. People say they love things every day. “Oh, I just love chocolate, I love that band, I love dancing, I love good humor in a person, etc. So just 'love' is actually a preferance for one thing over another. Being in Love means it is unconditional love. While the partner may mess up, it's few and far between and nothing that was intentional or stuff that can hurt a relationship. All mundane tasks are actually fun simply because your partner is at your side, (ie grocery shopping, preparing dinner, doing chores. In fact, unless you're a person who needs a ton of private time, two people in love with each other will prefer being with each other and feel like something is missing when apart even briefly. If one mate were to lose the other, it would feel as drastic as having a piece of you cut off, like missing an arm or leg and you'd never feel complete or content or joyful after losing this mate.
Because of the constant fighting, I can safely tell you that the current relationship is a toxic one, not meant to be you life long mate. Sure any relationship has disagreements but that isn't constant and one can still love their mate and disagree on something and be willing to come to a compromise. It seems you are confused simply because you have feelings for this guy you fight all the time.
Rather than repeat much of what she wrote which I believe will open your eyes about relationships, I'd like to recommend you look for a book by Dr. Linda Papadopoulos called What Men Say, What Women Hear. I will share a paragraph as it is crucial for you to see right now before more time goes by.
“SEX: Women want to experience a certain emotional closeness before sex, while men view sex as a route to this closeness. Woman regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them.” Linda Papadopoulos
I found that at my Library and if you can't, try a bookstore having them research and order it for you.
I hope you noted that part of how a woman can still feel love whether the guy breaks up with them, mistreats them, is a toxic person or just not enough in common and different viewpoints and morals etc to be Mr. Right for you. That is a reason why you are having a hard time breaking up and leaving a relationship you realize is toxic. I was in a toxic marriage for 30 years. Actually, he was verbally abusive and yet I continued to love him until by his actions, he had used up all the love in my heart without doing things to redeposit love into my heart. Its like banking, once you've taken out all the money, you can't draw out any more and have to start making deposits. So at one point, I totally lost any love I used to have for him. That can happen to you too after some time being married to the current guy.
Now to what I referred to at the start, something else besides what you've already heard why a woman can feel love in a toxic relationship. And this has to do with your subconscious mind which I'll refer to as SM. Your SM is aware all the time even though you are awake. When watching a sad movie, even though you know its a made up story with actresses, what your subconscious sees, it reacts to as if it was for real and happening to you. Your SM makes sure you take your next breath, blink your eyes, without having to think about doing that, so it is really there, aware all the time. It will be aware of things you experience and what you spend the most time thinking about. Unfortunately, it often has a childs mentality and assumes that Every thing you think about most is very important to you even if it is something not so good for you.
So you can't trust that you are meant to be with him just because of feeling love. Can you say that he is in love with you and you are in love with him based on what I shared being in love is?
I can already tell by measuring it up against 'in ' that he isn't. If He were truly in love with you he would not be so irritated to the point of anger, instead he'd calmly discuss anything that he has a problem with, without blaming you and trying to work to an amiable solution together. Example, when I shared my day with hubby, he would be listening even if busy doing something. At some point, I was so side tracked mentally I forgot to really listen to him share his day and when he realized, he did not get angry but told me what it felt like to him and he felt neglected. This is called 'owning your feelings without blaming the other person for intentionally causing them. I corrected myself immediately because it hurt me to think that something I did had hurt him and he feels the same way, with neither of us able to see the other hurting and will ask if there is anything we can do to make things better. There is a willingness when you are truly in love with the other person.
Your (M) sounds like a nice guy. Heck he even cried when learning you loved him. But here this, its never too late until you both are dead. Since you aren't, its best to straighten out your thoughts on this before one or the o ther gets married.
See, what I get from your and M's past is that both of you were young when you met and split. Your decision making skills among other things were compromised, and both of you unable to make a good decision simply because the frontal lobe of your brain wasn't done growing, wasn't mature yet. You can look it up, its a real thing scientists have proved and they say this part of brain doesn't mature until the mid twenties so since you'll be 28 soon and I assume he is the same age or a year off, both of you now have mature brains that are telling you that the love you felt for each other in the beginning was the real thing. So why were each of you never available for the other all along since then? I think its likely that you are both very social people, you felt too alone or naked without a partner back then or simply got into other relationships to distract you from your original relationship.
Yes, it would suck for his fiancee to have to cancel wedding plans and with the fact that some monies are not going to be refundable. But it would suck even worse for him to push himself to make it work, be very unhappy and then divorce her later after a kid or two. That is definitely worse. Its nots like it hasn't happened before. I can't say that M is Mr Right for you, but I can certainly say the other guy isn't. So how do you know if M is right or you should overlook both guys and keep looking. You didn't ask but I bet you were thinking it.
I went through this after my divorce, trying to figure out which of the new guys I wanted for a 2nd husband. Out of that came this document I will paste in on how to find Mr. Right
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
But you have to go this time to browsing columnist and look for me, Dragonflymagic and write to me from there or I won't be able to respond.
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