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Do I get back with my ex
Hi there,
So I was seeing this girl for about two years however the final few months were a bit on and off so I just say two years as it’s easier. So we broke up and I still wanted her in my life so I said I’d be Friends with her as I was still madly in love with her as you can guess it was her that did the dumping. She was going through a rough patch and as always I was there on hand to help her through it she went on holiday and met this fella that she was seeing when we were off at one point. One thing led to another and they had sex but the next week she still came to my house and stayed for a week being friends but always that little bit closer than friends if you get me. But nothing sexual happened. Ended up going to a concert with her into about 3/4 hours away during this time and I seen him sending her kissing emojis so I think that’s when I realised I couldn’t do the friends thing you ended up leaving her in the carpark the following day saying that I couldn’t do this anymore and that we can’t be friends and I knew by her that she was devastated. Summer passes by and no contact however as we are both teachers the week before we are due back to school she contacts me asking if I was at home however I wasn’t and she wanted to meet up. Turned out that I was in her home town and she was in mine and we live 3 hours apart so I said that as she was travelling home I would meet her in hers however she got really upset and started saying that she couldn’t so we didn’t meet. Instead while I was driving home she ended up sending me an email stating how she was feeling and all the reasons as to why the relationship didn’t work out on her end. When I received the email it was everything I wanted all summer but I don’t know I felt nothing as a result. So we’ve been in contact since then we met up twice since then and have been texting everyday. However this is where it gets tricky. She is a workaholic and the reason it didn’t work out last time or the main reason was this as there was never no time for the relationship or me and now on top of work she is doing a masters degree too so she doesn’t have time at all. We met there earlier and she asked how I feel and I really do want to get back with her but I know if I get in it I won’t be second best I’ll be third best after her studies and work. Is it wrong for me to want to be number one? And I’m wondering should I even try to get back into this or is there too much things telling me that it’s not right
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I might point out you can't get back with her unless she is wanting it and willing. So she has to be willing as the final point here.
As to wanting to be number one in her life and top priority, I oonce listened to a guy in a video on line talk to women about how men think and he said that men can juggle only about three important things at once to keep at the top. He likened it to a totem pole with everything else falling to a lesser spot on the pole. Time for each other was one of the three but he was talking of normal average people, not a work a holic. Job was one, your male buddies or a sport team you're on and the female is the other. Men are able to juggle all three. I can't say for women but I have heard variations of this in many places, even sermons at church where God is in a number one priority along with your mate. Children actually come second to working on your relationship cus if not working on it, there won't be united parents to raise the kids. In pretty much every area of life, it all comes down to making time for the person most important to you.
This you say she doesn't do. You've known it a while. The issue is whether she sees it as a problem of hers, and wants to find a way to stop wanting her work at job so bad. If she is not ready to admit it's out of whack, no therapist can help her if shes even willing to go. She will not change on her own just because the two of you get bsck together. Since you have no idea when this revelation will come to her and she wants to change, be it a few months from now, 2 years from now, ten years f rom now or never, waiting for her is not an option unless you are willing to be single the rest of your life until your death bed as it could never happen. Telling her before she is ready won't help. I had an ex like that and all he did is tell me I was the problem and he was okay. A friend talked him into going to a psychologist which he did a hand-ful of times and then stopped. I was there at first couple meetings. He was going only to keep me but still told Dr. there was nothing wrong with him and Doc should be examining me. He'd already talked with me and ruled me out as being any problem in any way shape or form. All this to prepare you in case it happens that you don't get back together.
The heart falls easily for someone. But what keeps a person with the someone they fell for, is having a full foundation for a couple relationship. It consists of two things, one is being each others best friend and the other is being each others sexual equal. Most people end up having only one of those, dating or married and end up breaking up or divorcing because of it. I will explain what I meant here in detail.
On the friendship part, both get, and understand each other, so even if one is doing something irritating, deep down it doesn't really bother you, you find you can laugh it off and actually get a chuckle out of it when they are in a frenzy about something and I am speaking out of my own life with my second husband. He and I are two peas in a pod so to speak. We love being together and doing the most mundane of tasks is always fun or more fun when we are together. We don't hold on to negative feelings and share when we feel frustrated or something needs changing but since our hearts still really love the person unconditionally, that means no matter what they do wrong, any suggestions or corrections are met without feeling like one is being chastised like a child. From the little bits you shared, I am already wondering if on a scale of 1 to 5 you have the best friendship around being a 4 or 5. Three would be average and 1 or 2 is an on again off again friendship in trouble. I can't say that you are the problem from what you shared but it seems her expectations are all wrong. If I had been told He was in my home town while I was in his, I would have laughed hilariously for a while at how life unfolds. Yes, its a hassle when wanting to get together, but its not the end of the world and getting angry at something you nor she was not responsible for causing, is not going to change the issue. All it does is make yourself more uptight and upset and unwilling to see reason and find a solution. She would need to be willing to compromise somehow but she can't even keep her cool over something like that. She cancels getting together but she is still mad and wants to blame someone...not herself of course so she mulls it over in her agitated state, and comes up with a list of reasons of why the relationship didn't work for her. I don't know that list and it doesn't matter because no matter what was on her list , she has to want to compromise and meet you halfway. The best relationship is one where both are so on the same page most the time that there is no need for compromise. What might be best for her is to focus on studies until she is fully done with her degrees and then she can focus on finding someone to date, who is just like her and puts their job and other things before her and they can give each other the little time that is left, and take separate vacation, have separate friends and activities. If a person wants the relationship and the degrees but puts the degrees first, they've made their choice, there is no room for the relationship. Sure degrees are important but if it is so overwhelming for her that she doesn't have time for herself, down time or time to connect with you, she is going to burn herself out at some point or another. The human body is not made to be a work machine, a robot is. She will find that she will constantly be having mental emotional issues come up because of how she is pushing herself, even if you were never in the picture. So this isn't really about you, its all about the choices she's making, no time to stop and smell the roses and enjoy the simple things in life. I can tell all this from how she reacted to you both being in opposite places. I have known too many people like this to know that seeing it once was not a fluke, it simply means there is a lot more of that where it came from, like a nasty liquid sneaking out from around the cork in a bottle. If you were to remove the cork, it is logical that whatever snuck out, we would expect to see the rest of it inside the bottle. However people go through life expecting a sweet tantalizing wine instead. Then how does one explain how the nasty stinky liquid ended up oozing around the cork? Where did it come from? I had to learn that when I saw an undesirable behavior, that it wasn't a one time happening that I would forgive and it never happens again. I learned that in first marriage and I left. The next couple, well three guys I went out on dates with also showed me something undesirable in behavior after around the third date when they felt comfortable enough to let the false facade go and be themselves. As soon as I saw the first big lie and coverup, the verbal abuse of their maid, and such other things, I was out of there. I was tested I believe so that I could know I had learned the lesson to suspect more problems on the inside ready to come out and bite me in the ass so to speak.
I did mention having sexual compatibility. This I wouldn't know for you but I can use my ex and I as an example to give you an idea. I had the high libido and he had a low one. There is nothing wrong with having a low libido as long as you are with someone who also has a low one. The only way you learn this is over time being sexual with each other. If one wants it daily, twice a week or once a week, thats great. If the partner doesn't want it any more than once every two weeks or once a month, you have a problem. Usually you hear of the guy frustrated cus the wife won't put out after having kids and he loves her as his best friend but he's going crazy without sex so he cheats and finds a woman willing to be his outlet. And that goes the other way too although I never cheated on my husband. This will kill a relationship and all it means to me is that the two were never perfectly matched in the sexual area. Another thing about the ex was he did not like oral sex giving or receiving and I did. Okay, you figure you can live without one aspect and enjoy the rest. Well, his eyes never were filled with desire for me. Oh I know what it looks like, saw it in the eyes of other men. And that is just a couple things of how we did not match up there.
So you may have the compatibility sexually, I don't know, but I truly feel there may be a problem with the friendship. If the only time you get along is in bed, and other times one is frustrated or both are upset or angry or fighting argueing, then it means too many things are different from how one sees their worlds, their beliefs, their expectations, personality traits, and so one, that there can not be a truce. Even if both all willing to smooth out the friendship but not willing to change things about themselves, it wont work. About changing oneself, I did that early on in marriage but no matter what changes I made to be perfect for what his expectations were, and letting my wishes go by the wayside, eventually I saw it didn't matter to him anyways and I stopped trying. A person should never change themselves to be a perfect fit for the other becaues the one who changes, will eventually feel strong resentment for their partner. So even if your gal came to a compromise to keep you and spend time with you, some part of her subconscious may begin to resent you for it and it builds until eventually she leaves again and for good.
Feel willing to try it again, or based on what I said, know this is a really big project that could still go either way.
If you want to get over her to move on, it won't be easy. The thoughts about her have feelings attached. You want to reach the place where you can think of her but no longer feel the hurt and all. So it means telling your own subconscious, either aloud or in your head, that yes you once wanted a life with her but it is not going to work out so you want it to stop bringing up thoughts of her. You want to stop having feelings for her. Your mind will bring her up over and over each day and you will be surprised how often you think of her and have to repeat these instruction to your inner self. Don't think it is okay to skip because it is llike training a child, has to be constantly repeated to get results. After multiple times the first couple days, you will find the sting lessens every day and it worked for me in about ten days. A man who was in love with me and left his wife while they were contemplating divorce, actually decided to go back to her when she told him she wanted to go to therapy and work things out. Since they had adult kids together and a history, he went back to her although he was crying at leaving me, he loved too people. So i had to use this to get over the sharp heart break of his decision. I wish you the best/
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